Marital Talk

The reality is our insecurities are what eventually leads to divorce. We are taught an imbalanced mental perspective growing up and project that perspective onto our spouses. For example, if you are a woman and you didn’t have a balanced, affectionate relationship with your father then you get angry when your spouse doesn’t show you the affection that you expect, from your subjective perspective. Eventually you rationalize this issue in your marriage and jump over that wall of vulnerability where you decide you need a divorce.

The problem, though, is you have yet to overcome your insecurities so they are still present in your unconscious. And you bring those insecurities into your next marriage where you project them onto this spouse as well.

But one of the most important elements of life for each of us is as we get older we mature. Hopefully you are older in your second marriage and realize that the same thing is happening in this marriage that happened in the first, so this time you take a proper inventory of yourself to maybe look differently at the situation this time. After all, you already went through divorce once, one of the most gut-wrenching experiences any of us goes through as an adult.

The reality is it takes courage for you to face your demons and slay them and this is truly only possible when you have the motivation to look within yourself. Obviously the insecurities that lead to the first divorce where not overcome but with the choice of divorce or maturity, maybe the understanding of that pain will motivate you to approach the situation differently the second time around.

guest post from Tim Kellis

Now here is an excellent question and really gets to the heart of what eventually causes marriages to fall apart. But the problem with this question and the reality of divorce is cheating isn’t the cause of problems in a marriage but the result. Unfortunately for our professional marriage therapists they still view cheating as the major cause of divorce, without delving into the problems from the past that set up the foundation for the infidelity.

The basic premise in a successful marriage is you have to be happy with yourself if you are going to build a marriage with your spouse. And the caveat here is your happiness as an individual has nothing to do with how much money you make or how good looking you are, but is achieved by understanding and appreciating your internal character traits, which are nothing but systems of beliefs that reside in the unconscious. The reality is your character traits are what cause your behavior.

So what eventually leads to a spouse cheating are problems in the marriage. I call intimacy the icing on the cake, but in negative relationships this is one of the first activities to go. After all, how are you supposed to come together and open yourself up to intimacy with your partner when you are fighting in the other elements of your marriage?

I was at a marriage conference about a year ago and attended one presentation where the topic was sex. The speaker summed up sex in a marriage when she said that “no” always wins.

The other element of marriages which eventually leads to cheating is jealousy. The funny aspect of the minds of people with insecurities is the notion that if you fear something happening it eventually does. If you fear your spouse cheating on you and get jealous in situations where you believe your spouse is thinking about doing that and the subject becomes a major cause of anger, then eventually your intimacy breaks down and either you cheat or your spouse cheats.

guest post from Tim Kellis

Just five minutes away from my super conservative state, Iowa did something we liberal midwesterners thought could never happen.

They repealed a law limiting marriage to man/woman partnerships only. effectively legalizing gay marriage.

And how did they do it? They stated that to limit it was violating people’s constitutional right to “pursuit of happiness”.

In a nation where even hippies and Hollywood starlets can’t keep marriage for everyone, I was completely convinced Iowa wouldn’t be able to pull it off? For real, we make fun of our neighbors to the east, saving the best of our barbs for the city directly to the east of us (Council Bluffs, i love you so!). Now, however? I kind of want to pack up and move ten minutes away to a state that regularly shows up blue on the map, and recognizes all people are in fact created equal.

GO IOWA!!!

I keep running into some of my favorite blogs discussing marriage, and it seems The Simple Dollar is no exception.

The blog has been featuring a five-part series on the blessed event of marriage, covering such topics as courtship, engagement, the wedding itself, honeymoons, and having a reasonable marriage.

The final topic, on reasonable marriage, just went live last week, and after reading it I feel like I’ve learned a few things.

Remember to both talk and listen. Not only is it important to talk to each other often, but it’s also important to listen to what your partner is saying. I tend to like to be right, so this is a good reminder for me!

Plan big purchases together. We’re not in a place where we’re making big purchases yet, but when we do, I’ll keep the tips on this topic at the forefront of my mind.

Talk about long-term goals together. Not only making sure you’re both still on the same page with these goals, but also talking about how you can get closer to these long term goals today and tomorrow is such a good suggestion. We definitely need to be more intentional about this!

And my favorite? Reaffirm your love every single day. I try to look my husband in the eyes every day and tell him I love him, and I hope that as our marriage continues this will be a practice I keep up with. It’s so fun to see him light up when I tell him how much he means to me!

Now this is an excellent question and really gets to the heart of the problem, of course. The surface answer is an easy one, one that doesn’t even require an in depth study, not that any professional would want to simplify this question. The worst thing married couples do to each other is obviously infidelity. Nothing destroys that bond that developed when 2 people met, fell in love and decided to spend the rest of their lives together faster than infidelity.

And the reason for this is quite obvious too. One of the most significant characteristics of successful relationships is trust, the trust that you can depend on your partner for life. This trust will get you through anything. But once that trust is destroyed then it becomes extremely difficult to get back. There is nothing worse than realizing that your partner for life is actually working against your relationship instead of for it.
Can you imagine the bombshell that goes off when one discovers that the other has actually let someone else invade that most personal element of a relationship? Your heart immediately falls through your feet, straight to hell, where it begins descending. The unimaginable truth about infidelity is you get to view hell from below.

But the reality, and something never before explained, is infidelity is not usually the cause of problems in the relationship, but the result of those problems. People do not cheat on their spouse to cause the problems in marriage but as a result of problems in the marriage, as a result of an unhappy marriage. Actually the worst thing married couples can do to each other is the power struggle, where one tries to control the relationship.

The bottom line behind the causes of troubles in relationships is the way couples handle conflicts. The positive way is through disagreements, where the two different perspectives are discussed logically, even the emotional issues. The negative way is through arguments, where the emotional perspective is used so that one gets to utilize a subjective perspective to decide the solution to a conflict.

And the reason for this is the basis behind the subjective perspective are our insecurities, which are prejudices we have developed in our past that we use to justify our current perspective. I call this the “Hierarchy of the Argument”. We develop our emotional perspectives when we are the youngest, when we are children. If that perspective is based on the imbalance of those who taught us then we develop an insecurity, which is defined as best by fear and anxiety. The result is we develop a prejudice, which is a preconceived judgment or opinion, and the result is we become judgmental, the source behind our anger.

And as adults we use this insecurity behind our power struggles to get our way with conflicts on subjective issues. This is best described as when a simple truth becomes the truth or a minor mistake is equated with a fatal error. Have you ever gotten in trouble for not replacing the toilet paper? This is an example of a minor mistake being equated with a fatal error. Or has your spouse ever tried to convince you that the sky is brown, even with your continued futile attempts at explaining that no, the sky is really blue, even to the point of soliciting friends to justify the perspective that the sky is brown.

This prejudicial perspective is best summed up in one of the most poignant sections of the book, where I use the prejudice of Hitler to demonstrate how couples engaged in the power struggle do so by using their prejudices to slowly take away the individuality of their spouses. This is the story of a man and his wife who survived the horrors of Germany, and whose memoir gives us a fascinating glimpse into their lives. At the end I recite a joke they had heard. “A man in Berlin takes his wife to the hospital so that she can give birth. A picture of Christ hangs over the bed. The man: ‘Nurse, that picture must go, I don’t want the Jewboy to be the first thing my child sees.’ The nurse: She herself could not do anything about it, she will report it. In the evening he gets a telegram from the doctor. ‘You have a son. The picture did not need to be removed, the child is blind.’”

guest post from Tim Kellis

I wanted to take a minute to let you all in on an amazing secret - author Tim Kellis is going to be guest posting here weekly for the next three weeks! While I’m still getting used to wedded bliss, he’s going to fill us in on some of his marital secrets from his new book “Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage”.

Renowned Wall Street analyst Tim Kellis takes on what could be considered society’s biggest problem today: divorce. The journey that led to him tackling such a significant issue was both personal and professional. After a successful career that eventually landed him on Wall Street, Tim met what he thought was the girl of his dreams, only to see that relationship end with bitterness and anger. The journey included work with a marital therapist, and after he discovered the therapist wasn’t really helping decided to tackle the issue himself.

The objective of this book is to provide real, logical help to couples so that they can learn how to stay out of the divorce trap. The bottom line is to learn how to set up your relationship so that you can maintain a happy, healthy, harmonious, loving, affectionate, intimate marriage.

Because I’m about to be a newlywed, and want to relish in the wedded bliss for as long as possible, I’ve set a goal to have a date-night once a month to “keep the romance alive”. Or whatever.

So I’m trying to collect great (and cheap!) ideas for some unique date nights (or days).

This is what I’ve come up with so far – I’d love some comments to help me come up with other ideas.

Dinner and a movie – yes, it’s classic, timeless, and probably pretty boring. But we do this at home, with take-out pizza and a good (or terrible, depending on Netflix) action flick to keep us entertained. We’re actually doing this a few days after our wedding, and I’m considering it our first official married persons date.

Morning at the farmer’s market – okay, so not technically a date “night”, but I’m pretty excited to bust this one out once the Farmer’s Market hits it’s stride. We’ll be able to pick up some locally-grown foods, and enjoy the people watching and the sunshine. All that’s missing is a dog on a leash and some cutesy kissing.

College game day – we’ve got a pretty popular college football team within an hour’s drive of us, and we try to get to a game at least once a year. This fall, I’m definitely going to count it as a date, as we go just the two of us and have such a great, coupley time whenever we’re there.

Ice skating – once the weather gets cold, I want to go rent some skates and hit up one of our city park’s skating rinks. I haven’t been on skates in YEARS, and I think it would be a great way to get some good quality (butt) time in!

And that’s where my creativity runs dry. What are some other great date night suggestions?!

I’ve had my fair share of wedding freak outs in this whole planning phase. And now that we’re a mere three weeks away, I’d hoped that all the big planning and such being done, I’d be free of the major freak-outs for the duration.

So when this morning, as we were getting ready for work, an e-mail threw my for a loop and caused a major freak-out on my part, The Monkey did what he does best – he tried to get practical about it, and help me see how it wasn’t as big a deal as I thought it was, and that it would all work out.

And of course, because I was still in the throes of panic over it, I snapped at him. Bad. And for about twenty minutes.

So now that I’m free of the major portion of the freak-out (I’m still internally panicking, don’t get me wrong. I’ve just finally hit an external sense of calm.) I’m wondering how others deal with this sort of thing. Stress, blowups, dealing with panicking, all that.

I tend to be someone who needs to be allowed to panic, no matter what, until the panic has run it’s course. Then I’m all sorts of ready for practical solutions, and welcome the help. But until I’m there, until I’m ready to hear it? It’s best to just let me panic. And The Monkey has a very hard time with that, so this isn’t the first fight like this we’ve had. Any suggestions for curbing this sort of drama in the future?

When she’s not writing here, Robyn is contemplating the awesomeness that is Showtime.

Apparently, expensive weddings aren’t the only thing on the downswing. According to an article in The Arizona Republic, marriage itself is less and less popular.

Americans are waiting to get married until their late 20’s, according to recent studies, and the idea of getting married at all is taking a serious hit as more and more socially acceptable options are becoming available to young people (staying single, non-married monogamous couples, same-sex pairings, etc). More and more couples are choosing to date longer, have longer engagements, and live together indefinitely instead of taking the “big step” towards matrimony.

The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, based out of Penn State, is aiming to change that. They’ve launched an ad campaign aimed at touting some of the benefits of marriage.

“The resource center, a federally funded virtual clearinghouse, works under an agreement with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Children and Families. The campaign is part of the Healthy Marriage Initiative, a Bush administration effort”

The research they’re touting for making marriage a happy alternative once again includes better health, better overall happiness, greater wealth for the couple, and improved well-being for their children.

This whole thing worries me. Not that I’m opposed to marriage – obviously I’m not, as I’m getting married in a month. But the program is federally funded, and I have issue with the governments incredibly vocal about what types of marriage are acceptable, and which are not. Will the ad campaign show marriages with multi-racial groupings? Will it show people that foster and/or adopt children? Will it show families that choose not to have children?

We already know it won’t show any GLBT families, as the government has already taken a decidedly anti-gay stance when it comes to federally regulating marriage.

So, am I all for promoting marriage? Definitely. But at the expense of other forms of happy couple-dom? Definitely not. What are your thoughts?

Source

Generally considered to be recession-proof, even the wedding industry is starting to feel the burn of the global economic crisis currently happening. Because weddings are generally considered a “once in a lifetime” experience, most people will go overboard on the spending. But recent reports are showing that people are spending less and less on this newly-labeled luxury.

I found an article from a Korean newspaper discussing this very phenomenon. In it, only the most luxurious wedding facilities still seem to be booked out. Most of the mid-range and more modest wedding venues are showing openings across the board, even on Saturday afternoons, a globally popular wedding time.

Interestingly, in Korea matchmaking industries are booming, as people look to marriage as a way to help stretch their finances. And 7 out of 10 women about to graduate from university have stated they’d consider a marriage over a job search in these times of economic crisis.

source

Not everyone dreams of the perfect, romantic wedding proposal. While most women think long and hard about the way they’d like to be asked to marry the man of their dreams, men are often left confused, and sometimes scared, that their idea of a wedding proposal won’t measure up.

I’m happy to report that when The Monkey asked me to marry him, he did so in a way that was unique, perfect to us, and private enough that it will always be a moment just the two of us share.

There’s been some credence given lately to geeky proposals, and Wired Magazine posted an article online of the top five geeky marriage proposals in honor of non-traditionalists everywhere.

From using Google Maps and the IPhone to hacking a video game and virtual diamonds, this article showcases the ways the geek-set can pop the question in a less traditional way. I love the idea of hacking her favorite video game, but even if your lady isn’t the gamer type, this article opens the door to a wider variety of proposals than hidden in the cake or at their favorite restaurant.

So, many of you know we’re crafting much of the “stuff” we need for the wedding. And by “we”, I of course mean myself, my MIL, my wonderful mom, and any other female I can convince to help me out. The Monkey? Not so much doing any crafting.

Of all the items we’re making, I’m particularly excited about the coasters right now. both guest gift and food indicator, these bad boys will tell the wait staff if you’re a child, a vegetarian, or a chicken-eater, as well as being something fun for you to take with you at the end of the night.

Instead of just buying a metric ton of coasters in three different colors, though, and being done with the whole thing, I am instead opting for craziness. About five seconds after the last time The Monkey said “are you sure you’re not doing too much crafting for the wedding?” I decided I wanted to make the coasters. One quick trip online, and I found these plastic coasters (not in my actual hands yet, or I’d have a picture) that have inserts.

Perfect, right? I’ll just make the inserts, and then can add them in once we get the coasters! I even though ahead, and asked my amazing friend Matt, who designed our invites, if he’d make the coaster design. Which he did in about five seconds. Because he rocks.

So, easy peasy, right? Just cut them out into circles and it’s done. Except I want them to be scallopy circles, so they look cuter. So now I’m using the Cuttle Bug, this amazing invention my MIL has, and punching out all these scalloped circles.

Needless to say, I thought I’d have them done in an afternoon. I still have 2/3 of them to do. And I have the machine currently in my house, so that I can (theoretically) punch them out while watching our tv shows. Which is actually my knitting time, but I didn’t think about that.

The monkey? He is not amused. I, however, am writing up a tutorial type post for you all, so that when the actual coasters get here, and I start to get them put together, you all can imitate it for your parties, showers, and weddings. It’s actually really easy, to be honest. Just a LOT of punching!

Who here thinks this is what The Monkey had in mind when I said, “nope, not too much crafting at all! It’ll be easy!”

saturdays are officially “wedding planning central” at my MIL’s house. she’s got not just me over there crafting items for my wedding, but also my soon-to-be cousin for her wedding (happening a month after mine) and her best friend, who is getting married in September! and some of those saturdays involve a “quick” trip to the craft store to buy items we need for our wedding crafting.

this saturday was one of those days.

this is the back of her minivan, the back bench taken out, completely full of three brides’ items they needed. most of those items? used that very day for crafting!

(and no, monkey, only a bit of that was mine!)

these supplies are being added to the tons of stuff we’re already using to craft our weddings, much of which is stuff we’ve already got laying around our homes. scrapbook paper and yarn are the dominant themes, and all of us are making our own invites to one degree or another, making our favors and centerpieces, and even doing all our own flowers!

How did these supplies make their way into our wedding planning? this week (and the weeks to follow if I’m honest) will be a running display!

So, the big closet reorganize that I had planned for this weekend didn’t actually happen. I was struck down with a sickness, and couple that with the Super Bowl party we had, and not much else got done unfortunately.

But having a few friends over to watch the game, all of us choosing sides and rooting until the final seconds, gave me some time to contemplate a part of marriage I never would have thought would be important.

The importance of picking sports teams carefully.

You may laugh at me, but where I live there’s a certain college team that takes up a large portion of the hearts of most men, and when I moved here I had to quickly adapt to the reality that most fall weekends would be spent either watching football, excitedly talking about watching football, or rehashing every moment of the football game that was just watched.

It’s easy to pick the local team to cheer for, but when it comes to something like the Super Bowl, it can get much more difficult. So when I came down the stairs, proudly sporting my gold and black (YAY STEELERS!), it was to the chagrin of my fiancé, who was rooting quite loudly for the Cardinals.

In some homes this sort of behavior is acceptable, and thankfully ours is one of those houses. With pro football. Again, if it had been college football, and I’d been wearing anything other than Husker red …. Actually, I don’t even want to think about it!

Who knew sports were such a volatile subject? So my question for this Monday: how important a role do sports play in your home and marriage?

Both my fiancé and I are pack rats, although in very different ways. For me, it’s craft supplies I hoard – I just cannot seem to let go of those balls of yarn I’ve had for six years, or the Rubicoil I used three times and have left sitting to gather dust.

In The Monkey’s case, it’s clothes. Most men would say they’re not clothes horses, and The Monkey is no exception to that rule. He doesn’t buy himself new clothing very often, and when he does it’s pretty versatile stuff. So what could be the problem?

In our case, we both have issues letting go of stuff once it’s made it into the house. Rather than tackle my craft room, I’ve decided that this weekend I’m going to tackle the closet space. I decided this when I ran out of hangers and we still had three loads of laundry to do. We just might have too many clothes for two people.

So this weekend I’m going to clear out the closet clutter. I’ve got a pretty straight-forward approach, too. I’m going to weed out anything with holes or stains in it. All those items, if they’re usable, will be sewn into napkins. Anything not usable for that purpose (think holey socks here) will be tossed. Anything that doesn’t fit will be packed into a bin and stored away. In six months, if it still doesn’t fit or we don’t want it anymore, it’ll get donated.

I’ve got some before pictures up on my personal blog, and I’ll be documenting the “during” and “after” shots there as well.

And just what does this have to do with marriage? I’ll come back here on Monday and discuss that!