Marital Talk

I have to say goodbye to writing the marital talk blog. I have enjoyed sharing this part of my life, and will miss it. I will continue writing the parenting and religion blog, so please visit there.

I hope the new writer will enjoy sharing the married life with you. God bless!!

 Jean

Who’s your best friend? Is it your spouse?

I can honestly say that my husband is my best friend. When you think about what being a friend and having a friendship means, being friends with your spouse should be the foundation of your marriage:
being kind to each other
being honest with each other
loving when it’s difficult
not being judged for making mistakes
having fun together
talking to each other
listening when the other talks
making up when a disagreement happens
being faithful
encouraging each other

The other benefits of marriage will grow as the friendship grows. Being friends with your spouse will open up areas of relationship that you wouldn’t have if you were only lovers. Being friends and lovers is the best.

If you get dizzy, you better stay off the marriage go round. OK, you may be asking “What is a marriage go round?”

Let me tell you, a marriage go round is the thing all married couples deal with that they keep going round and round with. They will never agree on it, and both of them continue to think they can sway each other to their way of seeing it, doing it, or thinking about it.

It will never happen.

Now, getting off the marriage go round is as easy as deciding that going around and around has gone on long enough. Decide that being of a different opinion, persuasion, or doing things differently is ok.

It is no big deal if he puts the glasses in the cupboard out of order, at least he put them away. It’s no big deal if she pulls the car in the driveway, rather than back it in. At least she got it in the driveway without hitting anything.

And how about opinions? Who cares if he thinks the color of the house is green, and you say it’s turquoise?

Being on the marriage go round may give you something to talk loudly about, but if you get off of it, how much more intimate talking will you be able to do, and enjoy?

I say, agreeing that it’s ok to do things different, think different and hold different opinions will make marriage much more enjoyable, and help you grow as a couple.

Where did the standards for marriage go?
Since when is it alright for people to have many affairs, and expect to be treated like what they did is ok, and even the norm?

Where did the standards for authority figures go? Why is it all of a sudden a good thing to have had an adulterous marriage?

When are we going to say, enough is enough?

When are we going to stop allowing the people who are leaders in this country to do whatever their lusts demand of them, and insist that we will only elect people who have the integrity to stand for what is right, in their private lives, as well as their public lives?

When we begin to take back our rights to say “enough!”, and not allow people who can’t even keep their vows in marriage, to lead us….then maybe we will see change.

It is not alright that our leaders (As in ….I live in NY!) can’t keep their marriage vows.

If they can’t keep their marriage vows, how can we expect them to keep their public office vows?

Let’ wake up, and insist on integrity.

Check this article out. My sister-in-law sent it to me….she said it reminded her of my husband and I…..but it will be about 53 more years before we are there. I am sure we will make it though, after all, we are both devoted to making it work…forever….and ever……and ever…..and….

Thiry years ago today we met. Thanks Dad (after all, it is all your fault!)!

As I have been watching and listening to all the media reactions to Elliot Spitzer and his wife Silda, I have been both amazed and intrigued at all the differing opinions being expressed, and at some of the blaming.

Just like I said would happen, last week, some people are putting the blame on Silda.   I was particularly surprised about the remarksw Dr. Laura made. She said that when ever a man strays, he is not getting what he needs from his wife.

Putting her judgement on Silda, without knowing what was really going on in the relationship. I don’t know what’s going on either, and maybe I am wrong, but I whole heartedly DISAGREE with Dr Laura.

When do we stop making anyone who does wrong the victim, and insist that they take responsibility for their own actions, their own decisions, and their own life?

Silda may have been a neglectful wife, or she may have been a wonderful wife……but that has absolutely nothing to do with why her husband…..the man who pledged to be faithful to her, was not only unfaithful, but used a prostitute. Having sex with a prostitute is not only stupid, it’s dangerous. He put himself and his family in danger of getting sick (disease from sexual contact).

He spent money (probably not just his own money either !) , and lots of it…..for some sexual (I think it’s more like sick) fun!

And this is Silda’s fault how????

Give me a break!

Dr. Laura, you need to reevaluate your understanding of people, and begin to insist that they take resonsibility for their own decisions and actions.

Silda Spitzer, Prostitution, adultery, Spitzer, Dr. Laura

In this breaking news article from Fox News, there is a quote I want to addresss. It is Elliot Spitzer, making his resignation speech.

He says that he has begun to atone for his  failings. I am reminded of a radio show I regularly listen to, dealing with relationships. The common advice given to couples who have been through unfaithfulness, is to try to work it out. Restitution can be made, and must be if the relationship is to be saved. With Counseling, agreement as to what restitution needs to be made, and any consequences that need to be dealt with, marriages can survive, and end up being even better than they were originally.

Marriage Builders offers hope and encouragement to couples trying to rebuild a marriage that has been hurt.  This thing with Spitzer has touched many people, and maybe some will try to fix what is wrong in their relationships because of seeing that even men in powerful positions, with seemingly strong marital relationships, can fall…..hard and fast.

“In the past few days, I have begun to atone for my private failings with my wife Silda, my children and my entire family,” Spitzer said.”The remorse I feel will always be with me. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the love and compassion they have shown me.

“From those to whom much has been given, much is expected. I have been given much — the love of my family, the faith and trust of the people of New York, and the chance to lead this state.

“I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me.”

He added: “Over the course of my public life, I have insisted I believe correctly, that people regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself.

“For this reason, I am resigning from the office of governor.” 

Spitzer Resigns, Elliot Spitzer, Divorce, Unfaithfulness, NY Governor, Marriage help,

Many times when a married person acts unfaithfully, we may ask ” How did she not know? Weren’t there signs?”

And usually there have been, but they are seen more with hindsight than with foresight.

In the case of Elliot Spitzer, a man married for 20 years, the signs that would have been obvious to some in other circumstances, were not so obvious in this case.

Going on unexplained trips, he was the Governor- he was always going on trips. Money being spent, unaccounted for. Again- the Governor has a lot of money, and his wife probably wasn’t even aware of it missing, it was taken care of by the state accountant or something.

Then there is the simple reason that obvious signs wouldn’t be obvious- denial. Not knowing is often easier than dealing with the infidelity and all the baggage that comes with it. The decisions that must be made, and everyone you know telling you what you should do- regardless of what you want to do, or feel you should do, as the offended spouse.

For many women in this situation, there is the fear of making it on their own. Ignoring what is obvious makes it possible for them to continue in the marriage, even for a little while, to make plans on what to do.

Some decide to stay and try to work things out. If the unfaithful spouse is truly repentant,  (admitting wrong done, asking forgiveness, and not doing it anymore), they get some marital counseling, and both spouses are willing to work on changing things, it can work. I have seen it work. But there is a level of trust that will need to be worked up  to again.

Mrs. Spitzer has a lot of decisions to make. She needs support for whatever she decides to do, and she needs our prayers, not our condemnation if she doesn’t handle things the way we think she should.

Governor Spitzer, also needing our prayer, needs to be held accountable for whathe has done, both on a personal level, and on a public level.

Consequences, even for people in power.

infidelity, affair, marriage, marriage problems, Spitzer, Governor

Read about why wives may stand by their men, even in the public eye, when they have been the victimof infidelity.

Personal choices can be hard to make, but in the midst of the public, how much harder. Being faithful to an unfaithful spouse, in support, encouragement, and helping them deal with what is being said and written about them- then the decisions of what to do about the marriage.

According to the news, Governor Spitzer (NY) was caught using a prostitution ring. I watched the video of his statement, with his wife standing behind him, looking like she had been through a war.

And I imagine she has been. She most likely is going through a war within herself. Emotions flaring, thoughts of being betrayed, and maybe thoughts of condemnation. What it must take for women in that position to even stand next to their men, and not break down.

I for one can’t imagine the turmoil of being in that position at all, let alone in the public eye. How much courage and strength it must take to hold it together. How much self control it must require, to be decent to a man who has put the view of your marriage under a microscope for the world to see. And to know that people are possibly condemning you, for the actions of your life partner. What a world we live in.

Passing judgement on every person, and every decision.  I don’t know how women or men can stand there and take it when they have a spouse who is unfaithful, and the whole world is judging. We judge them if they leave, we judge them if they stay. We judge them for the infidelity- both of them, the innocent and the guilty, and we judge them for splitting up as well as staying together.

Rather than pass judgement, we need ot look at ourselves, and in all reality of being human, say “But for God, there go I.”

We all have the capacity for being in this type of situation- either the offender or the offended. With great power comes great responsibility. Without great conviction, comes great falling.

Let’s remember, Mrs Spitzer is not the one who did this. She is however, the one who must deal with it.

I wish her well, whatever she decides to do, or not to do. And I pray for her to have the grace to go on living her life the best she can, regardless of what the media says or does.

marriage, infidelity, Governor Spitzer, prostitution, falling, adultery

I was thinking today of all the married couple I know who have to be apart from each other for long periods of time.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to keep things good, healthy, sustained, and growing- when you can’t be together.

Here are some hints  that might help maintain your relationship, and possibly even help it grow, if there is a long separation:

1) Talk as often as possible. Make sure you are open and hinest about the emotions you feel, and the fears you may have about being apart.

2)Use the internet to chat if possible. The more you can communicte with each other, the better for your relationship. It would also be good to have a webcam if available. That way you can see each other as well as talk to each other.

3)Keep a jounal for your spouse. There may be times when you see something or hear something, and you wish they were there to share it. Keeping a journal, of pictures and written entries, can help you feel like you are sharing it at the same time, and let you share it later.

4) Keep the romance alive by telling each other of your love and devotion. Send cards, letters, pictures and momentos that can help you feel closer. Keeping the emotional stability of your marriage strong is important. This will help you grow and look even more forward to being together again.

Being apart may be difficult, and present special challenges, but your relationship can grow through it, and be better than ever when you are reunited.

I thought I would share a little about marriage from the Bible. Genesis 2:21-25 (Amp)

21And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam; and while he slept, He took one of his ribs or a part of his side and closed up the [place with] flesh.

    22And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man He built up and made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

    23Then Adam said, This [creature] is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of a man.

    24Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

    25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed or ashamed in each other’s presence.

Now, here are some of the things that stand out to me.

1) Woman was taken out of man. We complete each other. Together we are whole. We should not try to be like each other, God made us different.  When women try to be like men (I can do anything HE can do), they also take on all the consequences of being like men. They are asking for more stress, earlier death, and being less emotional. When men try tobe like women, they are feminizing themselves, giving up their masculinity, and becoming wimps (yes, I think feminine men are wimps!).

2)Marriage means that we leave our parents, not just their house, but the emotional attachment that keeps us running to them for every little thing. We are to look to our spouse for that encouragement, strength, good advice (not that we never need our parents, but we must not give them priority over our spouse), and attentiveness we once looked to our parents for.

3)Cleave- to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly. DO this and you will be stuck together….in a wonderful way!

4)Be naked together. Not just physically, but in all honesty, emotionally, communication, and any other way possible. Of course, being naked together physically is important too- and remember, enjoy each other.

As long as we stick to doing things with the purpose of making marriage wonderful, it will become better each day.

Here’s an example of “How not to handle being offended by your spouse.”

My new laptop, which I compromised to get…hehehehe…..works wonderful! (I am using it right now!)

When I told Dan that I had written about the laptop, he laughed and said “See what I did for you? I paid for part of it, and made sure you got what you wanted!”

He is so right! This is the laptop I wanted, and as usual he helped me get my way. I love having a husband who wants to make my life easier.

Marriage is meant to be long. Not that is should seem LLLOOOOONNNNGGGGGG, but that it should be long, as in “lifetime commitment”. The desire to be with someone is normal. Committing to the right someone is not as easy or as normal. I have seen so many of my friends make the mistake of getting married even though they knew it probably wouldn’t last.

I feel bad for them, but also know that they kind of asked for it. They (one in particular) were in a hurry at the time, thinking this was a chance she might not have again…and getting married despite having warnings from within.

Now, I’m not talking about prewedding jitters. I am talking about that internal voice, the one that nags at you and warns you when things aren’t right. The voice that might make you turn right when  you would normally have turned left- and when you heed it, you avoid a terrible accident.

I can guarantee that almost every person (or at least every woman) reading this knows that voice.

Marriage is wonderful, for a lifetime, to the right person…. anyone other than the right people together will have a lot more work, and possibly a rough road ahead of them….for life.