Marital Talk

I received a comment that some of my ideas for couple time weren’t practical for a couple with a toddler. When I think of toddlers, I think of the way mine craves solitary time and doesn’t mind playing in her room by herself. I forget sometimes that some toddlers are non-stop bundles of energy. So I gave it some thought and here is what I came up with for couple time with a toddler around. Keep in mind this isn’t one on one time, but more like quality time with your toddler included. With the right frame of mind, and a high dose of caffeine to keep you awake, you can manage to get some unwinding, let’s talk about our grown-up lives time out of these ideas. If you have any more ideas please leave them in the comments section and I’ll add them to the post.

Take a walk- this allows you to throw your toddler in their stroller, grab your spouse’s hand, and talk their ear off. If you can muster up enough energy to do this right before your child’s bedtime, you may get lucky and they fall asleep and stay that way for the night. Then you have another opportunity to take advantage of couple time. If you’re to the point of exhaustion and want to sleep when your toddler does, well, there isn’t much I can do to help you with that. (more…)

Here’s the marriage joke for the week. Happy humorous hump day!

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

“How’d you get down here so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!”

“Oh my God,” his wife gasped, “That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.”

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?”

The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn’t about to start now!”

marriage humor, hump day, mother in law, jokes

Have you ever run across a point in your marriage where you fall in love all over again with your wife or husband? Sometimes, with all our busy lives offer us, we can overlook the reasons we chose to marry the person we come home to everyday. I had one of those “Ah-hah” moments this weekend. We had some family over for a BBQ and all the kids were swimming. They had been pestering my husband to go in the pool with them as soon as we finished eating. But, like the other adults, he kept putting them off with a “in a minute” comment. When the time came that he went into the pool with them, I went outside to watch. What I saw made me fall in love all over again with my husband and realize how great of a husband and father he is.

I saw a man act completely and utterly goofy to entertain a bunch of children all under 12. He made goofy faces, goofy voices, created whirlpools and waves, and held an extra large beach ball on his belly and proceeded to knock the kids out of the pool with it. The kids were a pile of arms and legs and laughter by the time he was done. The best thing was that he never raised his voice, never got annoyed by the constant pestering, and never said “no” when they asked him to do something silly. He totally threw himself into entertaining the kids. It helped me remember why, about 10 years ago, I threw myself into a relationship with him. It also made me fall in love with him all over again. Especially when I looked around at the rest of the adults who were nothing more than spectators.

I think it’s important to share these moments with your spouse. It’s easy to just move along with life thinking our spouse knows how much we care or appreciate them, but it helps when we actually tell them. I’ve been meaning to share with my husband my feelings of that day, but my childhood shyness overtakes me when it comes to sharing my feelings. Instead, I’ll let him read this post. If you have moments that make you realize how important your wife or husband is-share them. If you feel that you’re too busy to remember or even notice those moments try keeping an “Ah-hah” moment journal. Write down the times where you look at your spouse with a newfound love and admiration. Then when you have some alone time share those moments with them or just let them read your journal. Either way, it is important to remember why we chose to come home to this person everyday. Forget any current issues you may be having and relish in the memories of when your relationship was new. Then try to find those same moments in your marriage now. You may surprise yourself and your spouse with how much they haven’t changed.

marriage, falling in love, loving your spouse, wife, husband

I posted a few days ago how my husband and I got into an argument started mostly by his tone of voice. If you have a spouse that starts a conversation rudely or loudly, maybe these three tips can help you out. I have tried all of them at one time or another;sometimes it is a success and somtimes it isn’t. Sometimes I get an apology right away, and other times we still argue but he apologizes later.

1. Watch Your Tone
Your tone is as important as your spouse’s. Tones can range from happy, sad, angry, irritated, furious, or mocking. It is usually the tones that imply that we are irritated, angry, or mocking our spouse that start arguments. It is easy to lose your cool when you are being yelled at, or spoken to disrespectfully, but if you try to maintain a calm tone you are more likely to induce conversation rather than arguing. This works for me half of the time. If I keep a calm tone, I find that we have a better chance of discussing the problem rather than yelling at each other.

2.Point Out The Behavior
This tip can be tricky. You don’t want your spouse to feel as if you are reprimanding them or treating them like a child. The best way to do this is to ask them why they’re yelling, being disrespectful, mocking etc… Many times you may find that they have no good reason and may not even understand why they are doing it. This signals that it has become such a part of their personality that it is just normal for them to speak to you like that. If they justify their behavior with a viable reason, you may need to step back and see if they are justified in their behavior. After our argument the other night I realized that my husband did have a right to be upset. I would have been too if he had spent as much as I did. I didn’t feel he was justified in yelling at me without so much as a discussion beforehand, but I did see how the situation could make him fly off the handle. That’s where step 3 comes in.

3.Discuss it After You Cool Down
The next day I told him I understood where he was coming from, but that he should have approached me with more respect. He agreed and apologized, and I made him promise to never let me go to the grocery store twice in the same day. He agreed to that too. But there are times where your spouse will feel that they are right and no manner of talking to them will get you an apology or understanding. This has happened to us on more than one occasion, but the more we talk about our feelings the less this happens. For the times when he or I feel we’re in the right we usually just let time heal the anger. There may be no apologies given and we may still feel that we’re right no matter what, but after some time we give up on being angry and move on. Don’t waste energy being mad at your spouse when you can spend energy loving on them.

If you would like more tips on this topic click on the link below.
Marriage and communication: Tips for talking - Equality in Marriage Institute

marriage, marriage problems, yelling, marriage tips

Friday is a good day to plan a romantic dinner for you and your spouse for the weekend. So look for Friday’s to have a romantic recipe listed for you to try. Everything from desserts, appetizers, entrees, and drinks. Enjoy!

Strawberries with Raspberry Sauce in a Chocolate Bowl.
1/2 pint fresh strawberries
2 chocolate shells
1/2 cup raspberry sauce
1 cup whipped cream

Wash and slice raspberries. Fill Chocolate Shell half way with whipped cream (you can make a chocolate shell by coating the outside of a small bowl or cup with melted chocolate — put in freezer for 20 minutes and then fill the bowl/cup with warm water to remove the shell) Next place strawberries on top and dribble raspberry sauce over top and on plate. Garnish the top with a dollop of whipped cream and mint leaf.

Raspberry Sauce
1 12-ounce packages frozen unsweetened raspberries, thawed, with juices
1/2 cup sugar

Purée raspberries with juices and sugar in processor until smooth. Transfer mixture to strainer set over bowl; press on solids to extract as much liquid as possible; discard solids in strainer.

Treat others like you want to be treated is a popular golden rule. In marriages the rule changes somewhat to: It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Tonight my husband and I got into it over how much I spent on groceries. When I told him the amount he asked, “How did you manage to spend that much?” If he had asked me this in a normal tone of voice I probably would have explained that we needed some extra things this month like cleaning supplies. But his tone was very accusatory and defensive;as if I’d went and blown a bunch of money on stuff for myself. Now he is one that likes to yell…..a lot. I’ve always told him he has two volumes, loud and louder. But I’ve adjusted to it over the past ten years and can tell when he’s angry and when he’s just being loud. Sometimes my family reminds me of that show that used to be on about the Gotti’s. Someone in that house was always yelling it seemed, but they all still loved each other at the end of the night. That seems to be us a lot of days.

I can honestly say though, that if my husband watched his tone more often we would fight less over how he talks to me. If I had to pinpoint one problem in our marriage it would be this. He doesn’t say mean things to me or things that make me wonder why he’s asking. It’s just the way he talks a lot of times. I’d take it more personal if he didn’t also do it to his mother, father, sister, kids, and the dogs. In his defense, he does realize he does it and he works to try and change it. But since it is such a part of his personality it is hard to change. I’m going to try and think of some tips to post on how to handle this since my theory on life is that if I’m experiencing something, someone else probably is too.

marriage, yelling, fighting, marriage problems

Wednesday is officially known as hump day. You’ve gotten two down and two to go. Since Wednesday is officially my slump day, I thought a little humor would be good for Wednesdays. For some reason Wednesday is my busiest day of the week and I can always use a good laugh at the end of the day. Feel free to email some of your favorite marriage jokes to be used for Hump Day Humor.

Seven Stages of the Married Head Cold
1ST YEAR: Your spouse says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some Italian takeout. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”

2ND YEAR: “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”

3RD YEAR: “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup and apple juice around here?”

4TH YEAR: “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. After you make dinner, finish the dishes, the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”

5TH YEAR: “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”

6TH YEAR: “You ought to go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”

7TH YEAR: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues and cough syrup while you’re at the store.”

Happy Humorous Hump Day!!

humor, marriage humor, jokes, marriage jokes

Exhaustion is one reason many married couples find themselves spending less time together or fighting more frequently. With work days becoming longer and couples with children scheduling more and more activities, marriages are taking a backseat to extracurriculars and careers. By the time work and play activities are over, dinner is on the table, and everyone has gotten ready for bed, most couples want nothing more than to go to sleep. Few words may have been spoken, kisses and hugs have gone to the wayside, and the only thing on the tired minds of many is what they have to do tomorrow. Before you realize what’s happening, your marriage is slowly disintegrating and you feel like a slave to your job or a hired hand to your kids.

Exhaustion causes us to become cranky, easily irritated, and just plain boring. When we’re exhausted it’s easy to push aside activities with our spouse; we figure they’ll understand because they know how tired we are. We also hope they’ll understand why the question of, “What would you like for dinner?” is answered by a rude, defensive “I don’t care. Have whatever you want. Why do I always have to make all the freaking decisions around here?” The truth is, our hope for their understanding is usually overshadowed by the fact that after awhile they don’t understand or they no longer want to deal with it. The good news is that exhaustion can be conquered. It requires only one thing-prioritizing.

If you work many hours and find that your marriage is suffering because of it try to figure out how you can maximize your workload in less time. Are you taking on more projects than you can handle? Are you constantly being asked to fill in for absent co-workers because they know you’ll say yes? Has the almighty dollar caused you to spend more time at work and less at home? Is your job the reason you come home late, cranky, and exhausted? If so, you need to set priorities for both your work and home life. If you think this is impossible and there is just no way you can change your work situation ask yourself, “If something were to happen to my spouse tomorrow would I wish I had spent more time working?” Of course, there are those couples who need to work constantly just to survive. For those couples it is harder to prioritize. But if you can squeeze in quality time, not necessarily quantity time, then you should be able to enjoy your marriage.

If your busy life schedule makes you exhausted then you need to prioritize what activities are truly necessary. If you are transporting kids from one activity to another every day of the week exhaustion would be expected. It’s time to go back to a simpler time when kids didn’t need to have a full schedule by the time they were out of diapers. One I-love-it-and-I-can’t-live-without-it activity is enough. Maybe you can arrange carpooling or have an older sibling take over some of the driving responsibilities. This will help you to feel more rested and hopefully have some extra time to spend nurturing your marriage. If you spend your days at home with a baby or toddler try napping when they do. If that’s not possible, try to at least squeeze a 30-minute break into your day. This will require you not to think about dishes, laundry, mopping, or any sort of time consuming, tiring, cleaning ritual. It’s not always necessary to sleep to ward off exhaustion. Sometimes we just need to put our feet up and relax.

marriage, Exhaustion, marriage, exhaustion

I believe there are ultimately only three types of married couples. Those that plan their lives around their marriage, those that plan their lives according to their marriage, and those that fall in between. Those who plan according to their marriage put their marriage at the forefront. Their decisions are based on how it would affect their spouse or family. Those that plan their lives around their marriage base their decisions on their wants and needs, sometimes forgetting they are part of a unit. My husband and I try our best to plan our lives according to our marriage and not around it; but we tend to fall in the in between category. For the times when we disregard the other person’s feelings or desires it usually causes marital friction. Marriage seems to work best when a couple plans their life according to their marriage.

If you’re not sure how you’re planning your life in regards to your marriage, think back to the three most recent occasions where you had to make a decision that affected you and your spouse or family. Did you make your decision right away, not giving a second thought to how your decision would affect anyone else? Did you think first of your spouse or family and make the decision that would best benefit them? Or did you think first about your spouse or family, taking into consideration their feelings, and compromise to make both you and them happy? The first choice means you plan around your marriage, the second in accordance with your marriage, and the last means you fall in between. If your marriage seems a little rocky, or you feel that things aren’t as harmonious as they once were, try changing the way you plan things.

For example, my husband doesn’t care for me to drink alcohol or bring it into the house. He’s not against people that drink and we have quite a few friends who do. He just doesn’t think it is a good thing for our family. On occasion, I like to have a beer or cocktail. But I thought hard about my husband’s wishes and decided that since his desires were important to me, and an occasional drink really wasn’t, that I would just abstain from drinking. In return, he thought about my desires and understands the rare occasion when I have a beer or fruity cocktail. Both of us planned this part of our life according to our marriage. I could have ignored him and drank whenever I felt like it, but imagine the friction that would have caused. Because I chose to make a choice according to my spouse’s wishes, I induced him to do the same. So if some things in your marriage seem strained, try making your next few decisions according to your marriage and ask your spouse to do the same.

marriage, family, married life, plans, couples

Most married couples can remember a time when date night meant any night of the week. Being intimate could happen anytime and anywhere. Exhaustion didn’t set in until after a frisky night, and a candlelit bath was a regular occurrence, not a luxury. Those were the days before kids. So how do you maintain not only intimacy but also solitary time with your spouse to discuss issues that don’t involve bugs, boogers, or boo-boos? How do you get away from the sound of little feet, the screaming at the top of their lungs, and their inability to understand what the term privacy means? Frankly, you don’t. However, you can manage to spend some quality time with your spouse even with the kids around. Use some of the ideas below to remind you that you’re not only a parent but also a wife or husband too.

One necessity for some bonding time is to create a kid-free couple zone in your house. This doesn’t have to be the bedroom or a small closet that locks from the inside. A comfy couch, oversized chair, or even a soft rug with lots of snuggly throw pillows can be a couple zone. After creating the zone, you will need to create the rule that when mom and dad are lounging in the couple zone they have a designated amount of time that they cannot be bothered. The kids must entertain themselves quietly or risk being sent to the alternate time-out zone. You can use the couple zone when watching a movie or favorite television show, or just sit and chill for a few minutes after dinner. Whichever way you choose, it is a place where you can reconnect with your spouse without interruptions. At least that is the theory. (more…)

Hello,

I just wanted to give a quick intro for any current readers of this blog. I’m Rhyah and I am the new Marital Talk writer. I’ve been married for 7 years, but I have been with my husband for 10 years. For those of you wondering if people really ever do marry their prom dates that answer is yes. I’ve been with my husband since high school and he was my prom date. We have two children and live in a rural part of Missouri. I look forward to having tips, advice, discussions, and fun with the topic of marriage and relationships.