Marital Talk

There are many forms of abuse, but I want to talk about spousal abuse. Physical, emotional, and mental abuse in marriage. We most often hear about the husband being the abuser, but it can also be the wife as the abuser.

April Gilford, http://www.lifeasachristianwoman.com/ , has an interesting post , and is having a blog carnival about abuse. I would encourage anyone who writes about abuse and uses examples of counselors or anyone else who deals with family problems as examples, to make sure you investigate to see if they really said what you have read or heard that they said. Don’t take things out of context, and don’t assume one article or word of mouth tells it all.

I will be participating in April’s blog carnival, and I will make sure I keep my emotions under control when voicing my opinion. I feel very strongly about this issue, and see the need to make a statement that will encourage others to take it seriously.

Abuse is NEVER acceptable, and the abused is NEVER the cause of the abuse.

Please read April’s article and participate- making sure you check your sources, and keep a control on your emotions.

What Exactly Is Marriage?

“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents” -Eric, six years old

“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not. She can’t wait to find out.” -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” -Kelly, nine years old

“My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife” -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.” -Lottie, nine years old

“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won’t tell me what kind.” -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old

“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.” -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” -Allan, ten years old

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan” -Kirsten, ten years old

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them” -Anita, nine years old

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” -Will, seven years old

http://www.ahajokes.com/mar045.html

Good books on Marriage and Realtionships:

“Sheet Music”, by Kevin Leman

“The Christian Husband”, by Bob Lepine

“Blessing Your Husband”, by Debra Evans

“Rekindling the Romance”, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

“Peacemaking for Families”, by Ken Sande

“Love and Respet”, by Emerson Eggeriches

“For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men”, by Shaunti Feldhahn

“For Men Only”, by Shaunti Feldhahn

“The Act of Marriage”, by Tim and Beverly LaHaye

“100 Fun and Fabulous Ways to Flirt With Your Spouse”, by Doug Fields and Marion Nixon

marriage books, marriage advice, relationship books, marrriage

I am sitting here drinking Chocolate, Raspberry Coffee. I love Fridays. Dan is usually home for a while, and then he goes to the church to prepare for Sunday. Did I mention Dan is a Pastor?
I had a hard time getting out of bed today, I woke up with a headache- one of those “You didn’t drink any caffeine yesterday!” headaches.
I should know better… I am a caffeine junky lately.
Another thing about it… I don’t want to give it up ..yet.
——————————————————————————————

Dan and I are planning on doing something to celebrate our anniversary (which was yesterday), in late August or early September.
Until a couple of years ago, we rarely did anything alone to celebrate.
Then I went through some health problems, and my priorities changed a lot.
It was the summer of our 25th anniversary.
I was suddenly made aware of my own fraility as a human being- the fact that I may someday die.
And according to what I was being told- it could be sooner rather than later. Things turned out beautiful, because of faith and prayer.
Dan and I had been planning a wedding vow renewal for our 25th, but with 2 surgeries, and many tests (you name the scan, I probably had it), time was an issue. We worked it in, between surgeries, and planned it in 2 weeks.
Thank God for friends, mine did most of the work.
We ended up having about 80 people there, all who came with very short notice.
The ceremony was beautiful, a good friend was the officient. We had our oldest 2 kids stand up with us. We exchanged NEW wedding bands…we had been planning to on our 25th ever since we got married.
That is when we decided that from now on we will celebrate our marriage every year.
Being happily married is not always easy, it takes work and maintanance. If we take it for granted, it will begin to slip into a zone we don’t want it in.
I appreciate Dan, and the fact that he works just as much, sometimes probably more than, I do at keeping us good.
We are worth celebrating.

Dan and I celebrate our 27th anniversary today.
WOW!
I am amazed at how fast time goes. It seems like just yesterday I was getting ready for our wedding, and here we are- 27 years later.
Love is different , but in a great way, than it was when we got married.
When you grow older together, love eachother regardless of the obstacles that come along, and continue to love even when it might not be easy- that first love or infatuation grows into soemthing that makes it very clear that you are now truly one.
When I am not with Dan, I feel like a very important part of me is missing.

In the Bible it talks about cleaving to eachother, and becoming one flesh.
Gen. 2:24
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Here is the definition of “cleave”, from dictionary.com;
cleave:
–verb (used without object), cleaved or (Archaic) clave; cleaved; cleav·ing.
1. to adhere closely; stick; cling (usually fol. by to).
2. to remain faithful (usually fol. by to): to cleave to one’s principles in spite of persecution

Cleaving- a very important part of a long, happy, satisfying marriage.

Communication is one of the most important aspects in any relationship, especially marriage.
Here is the definition of communication from http://www.dictionary.com

“Communication:
1. the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated.
2. the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.
3. something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted.
4. a document or message imparting news, views, information, etc.
5. passage, or an opportunity or means of passage, between places.
6. communications, a. means of sending messages, orders, etc., including telephone, telegraph, radio, and television.
b. routes and transportation for moving troops and supplies from a base to an area of operations.

7. Biology. a. activity by one organism that changes or has the potential to change the behavior of other organisms.
b. transfer of information from one cell or molecule to another, as by chemical or electrical signals ”

I especially like # 7. If you really think about it, our purpose and desire in marriage is often to change the behavior of the other “organism” involved in the relationship. If we are able to effectively communicate, we will not only change the behavior of the other, but have our behavior changed by them also.
Communication is two-fold. It requires talking and listening.
It is easier to talk than to listen- but much more beneficial to listen than to talk. If we are really listening, we make sure we are understanding what is meant by the one talking- otherwise there is no true communication.
Mis-understanding can be avoided if we listen well.
When we really hear what our spouse is saying to us, we may see things in a different light. When we pay attention to them and their desires, it will enable both parties to understand eachother better.
Listening effectively may require asking questions such as: “Did you mean….?”, or “Are you saying…?”
When given the chance to clarify, the speaker may word things in a way that is better understood by the listener.

Here is a good article on communication in marriage. http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2007/002/15.17.html

communication, marriage, spouse, talk, listen

Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage

Can’t you just hear Frank Sinatra singing this good old song?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KyQtitfozIo&mode=related&search=
(check it out!!)

Love and Marriage. If only it were that simple, right?
When we fall in love, we think “WOW! This is IT!!”
And then we expect to always FEEL like we we are in love, and never be bothered by anything the other person does, or doesn’t do.
Then after the honeymoon, sometimes soon after, sometimes not- reality sets in.
We are suddenly aware that the one we love is NOT perfect after all. As a matter of fact, they are FAR from perfect.
The cute way our spouse talks or the silly things they do, may suddenly irritate us to no end, or we may notice things that were DEFINATELY not there before we married them.

The wake up call can be rather startling, or it may be mild- but sooner or later every married couple has to face it-
They married an imperfect person.
How do we handle it?
There are many options- and not all of them will benefit the marriage.
I will begin with this piece of advice that has gotten Dan and I through the not so perfect times:
LOVE IS A DECISION!
When your spouse is suddenly unlovable- decide to love anyway.
When you have had a fight, and no apology is in sight- decide to love anyway.
When the socks are still on the bedroom floor, after reminders and nagging- decide to love anyway (and leave the socks there).
When she comes to bed with gunk on her face- decide to…well..you know.

My point is this: When we decide to continue loving our spouse, even in the hard times, we grow and so do they. Our marriage takes a turn- a right turn.
With each step of growth a marriage takes, it becomes easier to make those loving decisions.
I am not talking about ignoring things that may need attention.
I am talking about deciding to take actions of love, and have a loving attitude- even when you aren’t feeling love at the moment.
Love is a decision, and sometimes the only decision that will pull you together instead of tear you apart is the hardest one to make.
Decide to love.

My name is Jean Lockwood, and I am the new writer for the Marital Talk blog.
I also write the Parenting and Religion blog at http://www.parentingandreligion.com

I am very happily married to Dan Lockwood, and we celebrate our 27th anniversary this Thursday, July 26th.
Dan and I have learned a lot over the years about what works for us and what doesn’t. I hope to be able to share some of that with you as I write. I also hope to receive some feedback from you, and some great advice on marriage…there is always room for growth and improvement.
Now a little more about myself:
I live in upstate NY with Dan and six of our seven kids. We have one who is married and lives in a neighboring town with her husband.
Dan is a Pastor of a church here in our small village, so yes, I am a Pastor’s wife.
I am also a very busy mom, with kids of all ages. Andy is 4, and learning to read. Troy is 7, and loves to skateboard and draw. Danny is 10, and my big helper around here. He loves to ride his bike and learn tricks like pop-a-wheely. Rachel is 13, going on 20…she loves going to her youth group and hanging out with friends being silly. Shawn is 16, plays guitar and is very artistic. Katie is almost 19, and married to Andy O. They are very happy and excited about life in general. Joe is 21 today(Sunday), and planning on joining an Internship program at a local church- he plays guitar and bass, and loves to shock me.
Dan is my wonderful husband,my best friend,and my partner in crimes of late night Applebee’s Appetizers, and walks in the dark.
If you have any suggestions as to what you would like to see discussed here, please contact me. My information is where you see my name high-lighted, and I can also be reached by you leaving a comment.
Here’s to a new beginning, and a great time!