Marital Talk

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” ~Ruth Bell Graham

for·give: –verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/forgive)

When we say we forgive someone, we are freeing them from any bad feelings on our part. True forgiveness means we won’t bring it up again in anger. We will not rehash the past. We will go on from here with confidence that it is gone. Our claim to using it against them is given up…
So often in marriage there is constant rehashing of the past, even when things have already been dealt with and forgiven (supposedly).
When people keep a record of wrongs, forgiveness has not happened.
The saying “I will forgive, but I won’t forget”, is hypocritical in that true forgiveness enables a person to forget. Maybe not forget the action, but forget the pain and the hurt.
I am not ignorant that if we forgive, we will never have to deal with it again. But I do believe that if we forgive, if we do have to deal with it again, it won’t be with the same pain and grief the offense caused when it happened.
I agree with Ruth Bell Graham. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

I kept having strange dreams last night, so I didn’t sleep very well.
One dream I remember.
We had bought a new house, and the master bedroom was not finished- it was just a shell.
Dan decided to put twin beds in the second living room for him and I . I assumed it was because he didn’t want the kids to know we share a bed. (weird!!)
After a few days, I went in the living room, and the beds were gone.
I got really angry, and began to cry. Dan came in and said “Don’t you trust me?”
Then he led me upstairs to our new, completely finished master bedroom- with my dream furniture in it- including a sleighbed.
I told Dan about my dream, and he asked me “So, you didn’t wake up mad at me, did you?”
(That may sound funny, but it has happened where I have had a dream and woke up mad.)

I am sharing the dream to point out how often we can mis-read the motives behind what people do. In my dream, I though Dan set up twin beds for us because he was ashamed that we sleep together. The truth was that he had gotten rid of our bedroom furniture and gotten new furniture…to surprise me.
In real life there are times when we think someone may think or mean one thing, when they really mean something totally different.
It is so important not to assume we know the motives of others, especially in a marriage.
We can become so familiar with eachother, that we think we know everything going on inside of the other, and that is not true. The truth is that we all change, and we all see things different ways.
I know women who think their husbands only care about them being around because they cook dinner and clean the house.
The truth is that their husbands do care about them, but don’t think there is a need to show that they care. After all, they provide for them, stick with them, and are there every day- what more is needed?
If couples would tell eachother, “I need to hear you tell me you love me”, or ask questions such as “How can I help you know you are loved?”, or “Do you love me?”- then the communication would begin. From my observations though, nobody wants to begin.
How sad, to let pride come into a marriage, and rob a couple of what could be a great thing.
Why not be the first to take a step toward making things wonderful?
Ask a question, say “I love you”, or do something that will touch the heart of your spouse.
It only takes one person to begin…usually the other will follow.

Did you ever see a married couple, and think..”They look perfect together!”, and then find out they have many problems in their relationship?
Or did you ever see a married couple and think, “Wow, they don’t look like they belong together!” And then notice how well they get along and how much they seem to genuinely love eachother?
Opposites really do attract.
In my examples I was talking about appearances, which can be very deceiving.
In reality, I am talking about differences in personality.
My daughter and her husband are perfect examples of being opposites.
Katie is very expressive. If she is excited about something, everyone within sight and hearing distance knows it. She jumps up and down, and giggles like a little girl.
She will ask Andy (her husband), “Aren’t you excited???!!!”, and he will look at her with no particular expression on his face and say “yup”.
And he really IS excited….he just shows it with his answer, not his whole being.
Dan and I are opposites in a lot of ways.
I am more emotional and not as quick to make decisions. He is emotional, but keeps everything in balance. I let my emotions determine how I deal with people a lot- he is always steady and fair…no matter how he feels inside.
Dan is more impulsive and I am more reactive.
Dan is more prayerful, I am more apt to think.
Dan loves music and collects it.
I love books, and to his dismay I have a lot of them. (and keep getting more.)
Even amidst all the opposite parts of us, there is agreement.
Katie and Andy love the same things. They both enjoy running and the outdoors. They want the same things out of life. They have the same goals and dreams for their family.
Dan and I love being together. We enjoy eachother and agree most of the time. We also know how to disagree agreeably.
We share the same vision, one we have built together for ourselves and our family. We have talked about our future and how we want us to be when the kids are grown and gone on with their own families.
We share life.
Coming to the conclusion that just because opposites attract, there is a connection between the opposites that binds them together- with work.
If Dan and I were the same, we wouldn’t need eachother.
I am thankful for our differences, and for the ability to work with them, rather than against them. In doing such, we have allowed a wonderful marriage to grow.
I am complete because I have what I am missing in myself….Dan.

Today’s Quote:

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they
are always watching you.”
Robert Fulghum

It’s true, Children learn what they live. Every once in a while though, there will be someone who doesn’t live what they have seen as an example. Some people take what they have seen and learn from it, rather than live it.

As parents, our goal is to show our kids a good way of life. How to be in a marriage relationship and how to treat eachother. There are so many examples of how not to treat eachother- in themovies, TV, and even advice by well meaning experts.

Our goal (meaning mine and Dan’s), is to show them a better way.

When we see people who have no respect for eachother, or show disregard for eachother’s needs, wants and feelings- whether on TV or in real life- we know the kids who are watching them are having a wrong image of how marriage should be built into their minds.

Our kids are always watching us, and learning from us- even when we wish they weren’t.

What we show them, they are likely to try for themselves. The attitudes we display toward our spouse, is likely to be one they pick up on and possibly one they adopt for themselves.

Having a good marriage takes work. It take scommunication, and time alone together. When kids see us working to have a great thing, they will know that relationships take more than it may be easy to give- but that they are worth it.

Yesterday was my daughter and son-in-law’s first anniversary. It seems like they just got married this summer, there was a whole year already?
Life seems to go faster the older I get. I want to savor all of it.
Dan and I took our youngest five and went to my parents for the weekend. We attended a family reunion, and Rachel and I went to a birthday dinner for my grandmother. We had a lot of fun, and I am sorry we could only stay for a couple of days.
What I enjoyed most was having Dan there. He doesn’t usually go with me and stay as long as I do, but this time he did- it just worked out perfect for him to be able to come.
We had to drive separate vehicles, because he came directly from work, but we came home at the same time, and he drove slower than he normally does so I could keep up.
Isn’t that kind of what marriage is about?
Sometimes we have to wait for our spouse to catch up with us?
That can mean letting others pass by while we patiently wait.
Sometimes we need to have some signals to let eachother know what is going on, such as me flashing my headlights twice if we need to take a potty break, and Dan flashing his blinker so I respond to tell him I am right behind him.
And sometimes we need to get out to talk about what route to take, and where the roadwork may be the worst.
Marriage is a continuous drive.
We know where we want to go, and often find ourselves taking detours to get there.
But as long as we keep going and getting back on the right road, we will reach our destination.

I am writing this on Wednesday night, because tomorrow we are going out of town.
Tonight, we went to the park with the kids- 3 of ours, a niece and a nephew. We had a blast playing on the swings and talking while we watched the kids play.
Talking about life is so important, but sometimes life can get in the way of the talking.
While we were swinging and talking, I was observing my kids. There was another family that showed up at the park, and right away our kids were playing with their kids; like they knew eachother. Kids make friends so easy, and seem to ignore any hesitation that they might feel when they want to meet someone and play.
Why can’t married couples be more like that?
Why do we think things have to be just right in order to talk to eachother?
What would happen if instead of waiting for the right moment to begin a conversation, we just made it easy to begin anytime?
What if we decided to begin talking, just to share something cool that happened, even if it seemed trivial?
How about telling your spouse about the beautiful scenery on your way home from work?
Or that the sunset made you think of her or him?
Why not begin by saying “I was thinking of how much I appreciate it when you________.”
You fill in the blank.
How surprised would your spouse be if you took a picture on your cell phone of a flower and sent it to her? Would she respond? My guess is YES!
Everyone wants to be thought of, and told they make a difference- especailly married couples.
Try something new, something that might open up a chance to share the beauty of life, and help you begin talking about life.
Married life is worth it.

Last night, I was once again reminded of how good I really do have it.
Dan and I know many people who are not happy in their marriages, and some who are in the process of getting divorced.
Divorce is never easy, and it always leaves scars. But I also believe that sometimes it is the best, or only, real choice.
I am not blind to the fact that I am sometimes an idealist.
I know that my ideals can be just that, the ideal- not reality.
I also know that as a woman who is happily married, I have a husband who has worked hard with me to keep our marriage happy, and to make it even happier.
One of the best peices of advcie we ever heard given to married couples, and have applied to our own life, is this:
Don’t ever think of yourself as immune.
Every relationship has the potential to grow old, have adulterous affairs, become boring, and end.
We took that to heart, and made a plan of action to prevent such things from happening to us.
We made some “rules” for ourselves, and we have stuck by them.
We decided that if one of us could sense that we weren’t spending enough time alone, they had to speak up so we could fix it.
One thing we have done is make sure we have date nights. We go out at least a couple of times a month.
When our kids were small we had to hire baby-sitters, and could only afford to go for a walk together, or out for the endless cup of coffee.
Now we have children who can babysit the younger ones, and we can go out for longer and afford to actually have dinner out (sometimes with a coupon for half off a meal…but hey…who cares?).
We also made it a point that neither one of us is to be alone with anyone of the opposite sex, unless they are a relative. This can be tricky to stick with, especially since Dan is a Pastor. But we do it, and it is good for us to be accountable to eachother.
Having safegaurds in place can also be misunderstood by others.
One friend accused me of being insecure in my marriage because of these things.
I told her that these things are for the security of my marriage, not the insecurity.
People will judge us for being true to eachother, just as people judge everything that goes against what they think should be.
Dan and I are proof that when a couple works together to keep a relationship strong, it works.
The key words: Work together.

My mom called last night. She was once again laughing over what we did for our honeymoon.
In light of yesterday’s post, she reminded me that we camped in a tent next to where my parents had parked their camper for the week.
Dan and I did go to the Thousand Islands for 5 days, but when we came home we found out my family had gone camping. We still had a few days off, so we decided to join them.
They had a pop-up camper, but all we had was two-man tent. We set it up, and had a blast.
In the morning, I remember catching my little brothers trying to see through the little window in our tent.
My mom says she was going to comment on yesterday’s post, and suggest that for our anniversary we camp out again- right next to my parents.
I think If I had it to do over again- I would still do that. It was fun, and it has given my parents 27 years of laughs…..
only this time I would insist on an air mattress.

My daughter and her husband will celebrate their first anniversary this Sunday. It doesn’t seem possible that they have been married a year already, but here it is.
I wonder if the time went as fast for them as it has for us.
We had our 27th anniversary last month, and have yet to celebrate it. From July 19- August 9th, we have 4 birthdays and our anniversary.
It used to be that we would’nt celebrate our anniversary because we were so busy and spending what little money we had on the kids for their days.
Now it is more a matter taking time for us. I am not talking about dinner and a movie, I am talking about a weekend, or even one night away. The arrangements for the kids, and for our other responsibilities. The reservations to where-ever we go. The money to go… all of these are things that need to be handled in order for us to go.

When I told Dan what I would like to do, he said “I will take care of it all.”

I can hardly wait! He is great at planning surprises. Last time he planned one, we went on a dinner cruise on the St Lawrence River, at the Thousand Islands. We decided that it would be best in September sometime, because of the busyness of summer.

In light of the comment contest (See below), I am asking for ideas of what suggestions to make to him if he asks what I want to do. Your suggestions can take up anywhere from a couple of hours to the whole weekend. We live in upstate NY, and flying anywhere is out of the question- because of the time limit and the money.

Some rules:

No smutty suggestions

Keep it low budget

no sports or outrageous thigns like skydiving or bungie jumping.

We don’t drink or gamble, so keep that in mind.

 Thank you in advance for the help.

If I had $300 dollars I would buy________.

What would you buy with $300? Or even $200 or $100? Now is your chance to find out! Comment on any 451 Press site during the month of August and you could win! Three comments will be chosen at random to win a cash prize of $300, $200 or $100. The more you comment the more chances you have to win. So start reading and let those fingers fly.

I know so many married couples who let their relationship with eachother slide when kids come along. What you do to maintain and grow your marriage will determine what you have when the kids grow up and leave.
It is so important to keep the marriage relationship first.
Taking time to talk to eachother, going on dates- even just out for a walk together, or a movie night after the kids go to bed, keeping the romance and the fun alive. All these things will build on your relationship, and when the kids grow up you will have a good thing still going.
I know money is tight for a lot of people, and dates seem like they would cost a lot if you think it means going out to dinner and a movie.
Here are a few suggestions for a date, all of them inexpensive:
*Swap babysitting with another couple
*Take a walk, or a hike on a nature trail
*Go out for an endless cup of coffee, and some good conversation
*Put the kids to bed early, and watch a good movie together
*Go for a drive
*Play a fun boardgame or card game after the kids are in bed (you can even make it interesting in your own way…make up some new rules)
*Go parking (yes, even married couples can go parking)

Keeping your relationship growing and nurtured is as easy as taking time for eachother.
It is worth the investment in your marriage.

marriage, dates, marriage dates, marriage growth, date nights, communication, happy marriage

Honor-
1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions: a man of honor.
2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one’s family.
3. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.
4. such respect manifested: a memorial in honor of the dead.
5. high public esteem; fame; glory: He has earned his position of honor.
6. the privilege of being associated with or receiving a favor from a respected person, group, organization, etc.: to have the honor of serving on a prize jury; I have the honor of introducing this evening’s speaker.  (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/honor)

Honor in marriage, and in other realtionships, is important for the growth and nurturing of those relationships.
When we honor someone, we respect them, keep our word to them, treat them well even when we are not in their presence, speak highly of them, are honest and fair with them. We would think of putting the honored person ahead of ourselves, and seek out things that would be best for them and make them happy.
In marriage, honor may mean not talking about our personal business to others, respecting eachother even while disagreeing, being faithful not only physically,but in our thoughts as well, encouraging eachother when needed, doing what the other wants- without compaining or holding a grudge, forgiving-even when we know we were right, making the first move in a difficult situation, giving the benefit of the doubt, standing by our spouse in public- even when they may be wrong, being honest with eachother-in love.

Honor is not always easy to uphold, and it doesn’t always come naturally. It takes practice, and it takes dedication to making an honorable marriage.
It is worth the work.

This week is a strange one at our house. Dan had his bi-weekly overnighter last night. Tomorrow he goes out of town for the annual business meeting for two nights.
That means it is just me and the kids most of the week.
I love my kids, and I have a lot of fun with them- but I miss Dan terribly.
I am an odd wife I guess. I love being with Dan, and even after 27 years I look forward to being with him every chance I get.
Sometimes I think I may be a little abnormal in that area. Especially when I hear other women talk. I try not to get into those conversations, because nobody believes me when I tell them how good I have it, rather than how bad (if I said it was bad, I would be lying).
The norm is for women to confide in eachother about the frustrations in their marriage. But when they begin doing this, they tend to try to outdo eachother.
You know what I mean?
One may say “I wish my husband would move, all he does is sit and watch TV!”, then of course the next one will say “At least your husband showers before he watches TV, mine won’t unless we are going out!”
Then the next one might say something like “Well, my husband, he only goes out with the guys, not with me- thank GOD!!”
Do you see the problem here?
When we get into gabbing the bad, it gets worse than it really is- in our minds.
Why not gab the good?
Why is it that women like me feel like we are bragging if we say what a good thing we have, when really- we have it the way it should be?
I’m not saying there aren’t things to work on in my marriage, but I am saying that I refuse to concentrate on those areas when there are so many good things….the good outweighs the bad.
Concentrate on the good, and the next time there is any gabbing going on, either don’t participate, or say something that lets them know you have it better than that.
It might only take one to start the conversation flowing the opposite way.

marriage, women in marriage, talking about marriage, good marriage, complaining

I showed my married daughter this picture and she said “Wow! What guy would do that??!!”
I showed it to my husband (who is really more romantic than most men), and he said “What?”
Meaning that he thought it looked like fun.
He didn’t get it!
Romance is such a big deal to most women I know, and men just see things idfferent than we do.
I guess that may be why romance takes planning, and most of the time it is us women who plan it. As long as we let them know we want it romantic and what that means to us- it might work out.
This is not a slam- but sometimes men need help to know what we women think is romantic.
And sometimes we need to be more into having fun- it works both ways.
So I would suggest taking turns planning dates or time together. Just make sure the other knows what you expect.
(And NO! That is NOT me and Dan!)

romance, fun, dates, men, women, marriage, romantic times

How many of us have talked about some of the things we may face together in marriage, and have agreed on the ways we will handle certain issues?
If you haven’t talked to your spouse about any issues you may face together, you should begin now.
There have been so many things that have come up in my own marriage, I am thankful we had those talks. It gave us a place of agreement to use in our decisions.
When we have to make decisions, we have a basis of those discussions to go on.
Here are a few issues I would suggest you talk about. They are common to many marriages and life in general.
1) Who takes care of the bills?
2) How much can one spouse spend without talking it over with the other?
3) How do we handle discipline issues?
4) When disagreements arise, should we talk (argue) in front of the kids?
5) Who gets the final say about big decisions we can’t agree on?
6) Will we go to church? Where?
7) Rules for arguing (yes, we have these, and they have kept us from hurting eachother and ourselves)
If we are both very busy, we need to schedule time together- and not cancel.
9) If we are very busy, we may need to schedule time for sex (#8 doesn’t count, that is for relationship- talking, playing, dates)
10) Who does what around the house
11) How do we handle in-law interference?
12) How will we decide whose family to spend holidays with?

I am sure there are many other issues you each can come up with, this is just to give you some ideas of where to start.
Agreement helps any situation, and if you agree before things happen, they will go much smoother.
Happy Monday!!

marriage, communication, agreement in marriage, talking to your spouse, marriage issues