Marital Talk

Yesterday I went to work with Dan. We went to Plattsburg NY and had a wonderful time. The leaves were spectacular, though not at peak yet. I brought along a book, some magazines, and notebook- but did I open even one? NO!

I had a great time talking to Dan, and looking at the beautiful Adirondacks. We drove by Saranac Lake. It is 9 miles long and a mile and a half across at the widest point. We also drove by Great Escape Amusement Park. I think we might take the kids there next year. I had a lot of fun, but amso thankfult hat I don’t have to drive that far every day (over 3 hours each way).

Isn’t it amazing how we are each gifted to do certain things? Dan wouldn’t like being home all the time, unless he worked from home. He would hate being the main care taker for the home,, and the kids- I love it. I would hate Pastoring and driving long distances to stock a store with candy- he loves it.

I am so glad we are different. If we were alike, then one of us would not be needed. Thank God for our differences. We balance each other out. We complete each other.

differences, adirondacks, plattsburg, talking

Last night Dan told me about a T-shirt he saw. It said “They call it ‘PMS’ because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken”.

Now, I don’t know any woman who would want to be compared to a cow, but I have to admit, it is funny.

I have also heard that PMS stands for “Punish My Spouse”. That seems more fitting, since it is usually the husband who gets the brunt of a woman’s monthly moodiness.

According to  http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor725.htm , there are many meanings for PMS. Here are a few of my favorites they mention;
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
PARDON MY SOBBING

 The horrible thing about having PMS moodiness, crankyness, weeping, anger, etc…- is that anytime we get angry or cry, the men in our lives attribute it to PMS. They are ignorant to the fact that we get angry and sometimes we cry for other reasons. Sometimes it is because they did something to deserve it- actually that would be 3/4 of the time at least, because PMS only lasts about 1 week, right?

Here is a word of advice for men- NEVER, and I mean NEVER, ask a woman if it is “that time of the month”! Always assume you are to blame, and you will be safe. After all, one of the things PMS may stand for is “Pass My Shotgun”.

(Just kidding honey, you are safe today…besides- I don’t even own a shotgun.)

PMS, PMS humor, PMS sayings

Last night we took the youngest three kids out for a walk, and I came to the realization that marriage has stages, just like kids growing up have stages that they go through.

 The first year or two, kids think their parents are perfect- so do newlyweds. If they see any flaws, they can easily ignore them and just love and be cute.

When the third and forth year come, challenge becomes stronger. The discipline for children begins. In a marriage, this is when one spouse looks at the other, and instead of the perfect person they married, they see a person full of flaws that they think they can fix. Just like a young child trying to get mom and dad to do what they want, the husband and wife try to change each other into what they want.

If they make it through this, the next stage is realizing that you can’t change someone else, just like kids realize by the time they are about 6-12, that they have to follow rules, married couples realize that they can’t make the other person be who they want them to be. This is when a decision must be mad. They must decide to either try to change themselves, or live with wanting the other to change. If they decide to try and let themselves change, by looking at themselves honestly and a willingness to not tell the other how to change, they can get through this together. Neither one can change the other, but they each can change themselves.

The next stage is when they realize that they really can make it work. I would compare this to when kids realize that they are growing up. They want more responsibility, and are more likely to try to make their parents see that they are growing up. Teenage years canbe a challenge, but with guidance, trust, and honesty, they will make it. Marriage also needs to grow in guidance (preferably from God), trust (in each other), and honesty (with ourselves and each other). Talking to each other is the most important part of growing. Without communication, there is no relationship.

Next come the adult years. Even though the years leading up to it may have been hard, you made it. When you are an adult, love becomes more than just the butterfly feeling when your hands touch (though it is nice to have that), it becomes more than having your needs met, and meeting your spouse’s needs. Love turns into something that can only be explained by the word “one”.

When you are truly one with someone, you have a connection that goes so deep, that you feel incomplete without that person. Being one, makes being together the only right way tobe. Not being able to imagine life without your other half. Feeling like you are not all there when you are apart from each other.

Being one, what a wonderful way to be. One together, for life.

For more on walking together, read http://www.maritaltalk.com/walk-in-love/

For more on being one, read  http://www.maritaltalk.com/one/

According to a study on marriage, the top ten strengths of marriages are:

1.communication
2.couple fexibility
3.couple closeness
4.personality compatibility
5.conflict resolution
6.sexual relationship
7.leisure activities
8.family and friends
9.financial management
10.spiritual beliefs

This study was done to encourage couples to have their focus on being happy, and the strengths of a happy marriage, rather than on the weakness’s.  You can read the article and the study results here: http://www.prepare-enrich.com/files/Article_Info/national_survey.pdf

The top five things couples argue about are : money, sex, children, work, and housework. ( http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/06/02/22/the_top_5_things_couples_argue_about.htm)

Maybe that is why we don’t argue, at least not often. We do disagree at times, and that is ok, but we don’t argue anymore. Here are the reasons we don’t argue about these things:

Money- we don’t have to argue about it because when we do have money (that is not for current bills)- we already have talked about what to do with it, and it is usually to pay past bills, replace something that broke, or repair something. We both have common goals for what we want to do, and agree on things before they happen. That prevents arguing.

Sex- we don’t argue about sex because we both know we need to give to each other. The bible tells us that his body is mine and mine is his- therefore we do not deny each other. ( we also both enjoy sex- and that is a big help!)

Children- We don’t argue about the kids- ever! We had six years together before we had kids, and we decided together how we would raise them, and how we would handle different situations. Of course there are always things that come up unexpectedly- such as a daughter getting married while still in high-school, but we pray together and come to the same conclusion on almost all decisions we have to make. Discipline has always been agreed on, so there is no argument there.

Work- We don’t argue about work, we both know it has to be done. If I feel like Dan is working too much I say so, but generally he doesn’t do that. He knows our limits as a couple, and he is wonderful about making time for us.

Housework- Why fight about something that will always be there? There are more important things in life than having a spotless house. If you come to my house, you will see a very happy family living in a very lived in house.

Choose your arguements wisely. What is worth fighting over? Make the choice to fight for things that are worht having stress and strife over- that is not every little thing. Come to agreement before situations arise.

Talk a lot, argue a little, and agree to disagree on the things that make no difference.

I remember when it was just the two of us. We could be spontaneous and leave town for a couple of days, with no second thought. We could sleep with as little on as we wanted to- there was no one to climb in bed with us in the middle of the night. We could eat ice cream in bed, and no one would know. We could play any kind of game in any room of the house. We could make love in the living room, and not be afraid of being caught.

Now, we can look forward to those things in our future. We can enjoy the lack of spontanaety and revel in the crowd of our family. We can find new ways to play games, and actually follow the written rules. We can lock our bedroom door.

We can build on what we have, and look forward to having it even better when we are alone again.

We can enjoy our children, and the ways they bring us closer to each other.

We will be alone with each other again someday, and we can make plans for then- now.

I had an interesting conversation with a young woman today. She is in her mid 20’s, and has 2 children. She was telling me her reasons to not get married. The main one is the cost of divorce. She said it costs too much- financially speaking.

I told her my opinion on it, that if you go into marriage and both of you go in with the idea of “we will make this work, we will work together”, you are less likely to end up getting divorced.

She has seen the heartache, and the struggle of other women who have gone through divorce. She has not had good examples of how to stay married and be happy together. How sad!

I also told her that children learn what they live. If you want your kids to grow up going from one person to another, then having one live in boyfriend after another will do it.

Children learn what they live. Not that none of them will ever move off that course, but generally kids do what they saw as normal. Even if they stray from that course, they will end up coming back to it.

WHat do we want to show our kids? How to work together for a common goal, even in hard times sticking together and working our lives out together?

Or do we want to show them how to quit when things are tough, get a new love and move on. When that one fails too, do we move on again? What are we teaching them? 
That marriage is NOT worth the effort, that family means nothing, and life is about having fun?

I want more for my kids. I want them to see how to work it out.

I know there are situations that must end in divorce; adultery, abandonment, and abuse are the three biggest things that make divorce a good choice.

Not wanting to make it work, arguing, not loving each other anymore- those things can change. Counseling is a great option in a lot of cases. But giving up without a fight is not.

As far as my friend goes; I hope she begins to look at couples who have a wonderful thing together, and see that it is possible to not only make it work- but be happy with marriage for life.

(For a good article on communicationin marriage, read http://marital-communication.suite101.com/article.cfm/communicating_effectively )

marriage, single, living together, happy marriage

Last night Dan and I were talking about a couple who we heard were divorcing after 18 years of being married. This couple is also in ministry, and that seems to be a factor in their decision to divorce. Not ministry itself, but the way they handled ministry.

In any marriage, if each spouse goes their own way, and they are not working together, sharing vision and pupose for the marriage, putting eachother ahead of work, ministry, friends, fun with others- there is the danger of growing apart and being distant from eachother.

Now, I don’t know this couple personally, I only know what I have read and heard about the situation. But I do know that they had their own directions that they each were being pulled in, and that they went separately and willingly.

The deceit of thinking “we will be alright, we are stronger than that”, can be dangerous. When we begin to make exceptions to things we would have rejected before as being a danger to our relationships- we are already in trouble.

Having a steadfast plan is necessary. Sticking to it and being honest with eachother is also necessary. Part of being honest means that sometimes one of us will have to say “Hey, I need some attention here!!”, or “I am feeling left out by you, we need some time together!”

Working together doesn’t mean you always have to be together; but it does mean you have the same plan, and you both stick with it. Communicating well, honestly and often about your relationship will keep the doors open so when one of you notices something that is not right- you are free to say so. Keeping a watch on the relationship is what may make it work.

If you read my parenting blog today, you will see that I wrote about family game time.

Now I am going to write about a “couple’s game time”.

Playing games with your spouse can be fun, enlightening, and add spice to your relationship. When couples play games, they can make up their own rules. Games such as Rummy, Monopoly, Uno, Scrabble, these can all be made more interesting by twisting the rules into your own version of the game. You could even name a prize for the winner.

I recently suggested to a bride to be, that she bring a deck of cards on the honeymoon. She said “I don’t think we will be interested in playing cards.”

I told her “Believe me, you can get very creative and make up new rules for old games- makes for an interesting honeymoon.”

When she came home from her honeymoon, she said she brought the cards, and they had a lot of fun with them.

Be creative, have fun, and get to know eachother better.

Walking in love is not always easy, especially when it comes to an every day thing- such as marriage. How do we walk in love towards our spouse, when sometimes we want to look at him or her and scream?

Here are some keys to keeping a balance of the love walk:

1. Determine to always talk to eachother with respect. When you are disagreeing, no name calling or making digs that may wound forever.

2. When you know you are wrong, admit it.

3. Extend and accept forgiveness- that means don’t rehash the past.

4. If there is something you ALWAYS disagree about, leave it alone. Agree to disagree. Usually this type of thing is opinion and not something that we need to fight through. Who cares if he thinks the toilet paper should go one way, and you think it should go the other. There is not always a right and a wrong.

5. Tell eachother “I love you”, often.

6. Always touch a lot. (sounds silly, but keeps you connected)

Walking in love takes a LOT of practice, and someone has to start. (Why not you?)

Did you ever look at a sleeping, peaceful baby, and say “He sure looks content!”

Are you content like that? Is your relationship such that you are peacefully content?

A friend told me yesterday that she would like to see people respond to these questions, so here they are:

1) Are you content?

2)Why or Why not?

3)What could help you be more content?

4) How could you help your spouse be more content in your relationship?

I welcome and will respond to all answerrs and comments.

Today is the anniversary of the terrible terrorist attack to our Country.
Seven years ago many people died at the hands of a few men, who were deceived into thinking they were martyr’s…..when in fact they were mass murderers.
My children talk about it a lot, they watched it on TV.
My brother though, he was there. He saw it all from his office across the river from the site of the Twin Towers.
He was one of the people who had to walk many miles to get home.
He then borrowed a car and went out to help others. He gave rides to many people who were walking like he did.
He lost his ability to write…for a long time.
But he had his life.
So many people lost their lives, and more lost their much loved family members.
In my estimation, my brother is one of the unsung heroes.

He could have gone home to be with his wife and son, but he chose to see that others got home to their families.
Frank Troy is a hero. He put others above himself.
He rescued the weary and gave them not only a ride home, but hope that even in the midst of tragedy and terrorism-
there is still good in the world.
Frank is how I want to be.

9/11, september 11 2001, terrorist attacks, heroes, unsung heroes, Frank Troy

Marriage takes a lot of work, from both people involved. But the first step to the work is being commited to make it work.

I know of two marriges right now that are ending, mainly because of the lack of the husband to be commited to the marriage, and to the wife.

To be commited to something, you need to go into it with a conviction that you will make it work. In marriage it takes working together to make it work.

If one spouse is commited and does their end, it may last for a while. But if the other spouse breaks their commitment it will eventually end, unless there is restoration.

Going off and doing your own thing is not commitment. Leaving your spouse to take care of the house and the kids while you go out and have fun (on a regular basis) is not commitment. Placing blame on your spouse for ruining you fun, simply because they want to be a part of your fun, is not commitment.

Some people think that they should be able to live single and be married- WRONG!

I am against divorce in most cases, but I must admit that I would not have stayed as long as they did. Most likely I would have given up sooner. I would not have given two more chances to prove the love and commitment. ( of course this attitude comes from years of watching the heartache caused by such things).

My advice to anyone contemplating marriage is to talk about commitment and what it means. Talk about what you will and won’t expect from eachother. Talk about seemingly mundane thigs, such as how often you will go out without the other, and how you will work together to make sure your marriage works.

Be commited before you commit.

That will make the difference.

Now that September is here, I feel like life is moving at a little bit slower pace. Summer was so busy for us, and it is nice to have a break from all the busyness.

Here are some romantic ideas for fall:

*Create a place in your house where the two of you can enjoy sitting together and talking, watching a movie, or playing games- here’s the catch- without interruption. (In our house that is near impossible!)

*Go out for a fall picnic

*Enjoy a walk on a nature trail

*Go camping (without the kids)

*Go on a scenic railroad tour

*Take a cruise on a local river (many areas offer boat cruises)

Fall is a very romantic time of year. The weather is cooler, the mosquitos are not as bothersome, the changing leaves are beautiful (in the Northeast where I live anyhow). Take time to enjoy the beauty of fall together.  

fall dating ideas, leaves, picnics, boat rides, marriage