Marital Talk

I began my new job today at The Village Toy Shop.I had a fun day, and was actually told that the employees are encouraged to play with the toys so we are familiar with them…I can hardly wait till Thursday!
The people I work with are all very nice, and there is a “Let’s have fun!” attitude in the store.
This morning when I was getting ready to go to work, Andy (4) asked me “Where are you going?” I told him I was going to work. He said “But I thought you worked in the office downstairs.” He was ok with me going when he found out where it was. My kids love that store. They have Thomas trains to play with, a big wooden train to play on, and a really cool race track with loops set up to play with.
I may be the mom, but I still love to play with toys.

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”

How do we react when someone else makes a funny mistake? I tend to laugh, a lot, sometimes too much.

Dan was asked to read a prayer at the end of his Aunt Frances’ funeral last week. He agreed to do it, and was handed a card with the prayer on it when he was called up front. He said “Let’s pray”, and everyone bowed their heads in prayer. The only thing was, it wasn’t a prayer- but a poem.

He was embarrassed to have called it a prayer, but that is what he was told it would be. Then when he was reading it, there was a line that said “And He closed her eyes and called her home”. Dan made a mistake, he said “And He crossed her eyes…” then corrected himself.

I lost it. I was laughing, his sister sitting next to me was laughing, other people behind us were laughing. We were all quiet, but Dan didn’t know why we were all laughing.

When we got out to the car, I told him what he said. His sister confirmed it, and we all had a good laugh. But then we got to the church, and he had to read a scripture for the service there. The poor guy was so nervous, but all was well. He did a beautiful job. As a matter of fact, the priest told him he would like to make Dan a regular Lector. I told Dan “He must not have been at the funeral home, huh?”

I still laugh when I think about Dan saying that, but I will get over it.  I really think Aunt Frances would have laughed too. After all, she did have a great sense of humor.

The blog “Long Relationships” has a new writer, JM. I am looking forward to reading what JM will write about maintaining and improving relationships. JM also writes “Write Anyway“, and “Fiction Scribe“- both  offer very interesting writing challenges, and creative writing prompts.

“Being An Air Force Wife“, by Toni Kemp offers a look inside the relationship of a military couple. The relationship of marriage may be the same, but the problems and solutions may have to be a little different. “Life On Post“, written by Daniele Watkins, is another military wife blog, only this one deals with being married and in the Army.

“The Focused Family” is a blog written by Bryan Ayers. He is a Pastor, Husband, Father.. and writes about all of these things. Especially interesting are the video songs he writes and puts up about family life.

I will be trying to include a number of blogs and links every once in a while that might be interesting to people who read my blog. If I include some that don’t measure up to what you like, oh well, don’t read them. My goal is to encourage married couples in things that are honoring to marriage, have fun ideas, and could spark creativity in you to do things together and have fun.
I also want to hold up the standard that I believe a Christian married couple should have- honoring God in our relationships. If any of the blogs I suggest don’t always do that, I am sorry. I do not read every word others post- but once in a while I look at them to see what is new and good.
Have a wonderful weekend. Maybe have a date night, a movie in, or a game night?
I think I may go make some plans of my own.

Death happens every day, maybe not to us or someone we know, but it is a fact that it eventually will touch us in ways that are painful and hard to deal with.
How do we support our loved one when it touches his or  family? I think one big way is to make his family my family.It has been said that when you get married, you are marrying not only the person, but their whole family. I have found this to be true for me and Dan. Our families were both so excepting of and welcoming to us being a couple. It was almost as if my family adopted him, and his adopted me I guess.
Today we went to a funeral for Dan’s Aunt Frances. She was his father’s sister-in-law. This death, though a loss, is not painful. It had been about 5 years since I have seen her, but I still felt a loss.
When someone dies, our lives change- even if we only saw the person once in a while, there are still changes. I won’t be asking how she is doing anymore when our cousin Donna calls. Memories of time spent together becomes more important. As I listened to Dan, his brother, sisters, father, and cousins talk about childhood memories, I felt like I was a part of it- though I wasn’t part of the family yet.
Remembering the good times we have had with people is one of the things that help us go on, even in times of death. I have been a part of this family for 27+ years, so they are a part of me. I am married to them.
One thing that was said today, is that we need to learn from the people in our lives, reap what we can and become people we would like to know. It was also asked for each of us to think about what people would say of us at our own eulogy? Are we living lives that are worthy of the people we love? Are we setting examples others will want to follow, and would we be deseving of being thought highly of?

As a woman in her mid 40’s (yes dad, I am that old!), I sometimes get caught up in thinking I have a lot of time ahead of me, but the reality of life is, you just never know. My goal is to be living a life worthy of that which I have been called- loving God, loving others, raising my children to know Him, being a faithful and loving wife- these are the things I know I am supposed to do. I only hope I am doing them well enough that I am a good example, and that when my time comes, God will tell me “Well done!”

Over at Parenting Sites 411, Marilyn Porter asks what three things you would wish for your kids to experience during their lives.  I want to put a different spin on that premise, and suggest asking your spouse a question: “What are three things that mean a lot to you, that I can do, change, or try?”

One friend I have who did this was surprised by the simple request for her to have fresh squeezed lemonade available regularly. Such a simple thing, and so easy to do.

I asked Dan, about 2 years ago, and he has so far only given me two answers. I am still waiting for the third. His requests were also simple, and easy for me to comply with, but they are things I never would have thought would mean much to him…surprises abound even after 27 years of marriage.

This is a good way to get a better idea of what your spouse thinks is important, and what their love language is. It is also a great way to show that you do care about what they want, and are willing to work at your relationship.

I am still waiting for the third thing, and every once in a while I remind Dan that he still has one thing to come up with. Maybe he is waiting to think of the perfect thing….or maybe he already thinks things are pretty good. Either way, I win because I am making him happy.

There are so many things we can do as married couples to build on our relationships. Knowing what things mean a lot to each other is one step. A happy healthy marriage is built one step at a time. Taking the step puts us on our way.

Arnold’s Gay Ed. Bill to Be Overturned?

It’s time to pray.

Friendship. The bare bones of relationship. Not always, but often the foundation on which falling in love is built.

I have come to the conclusion that if a couple gets married without becoming friends first, and they do not work on building a friendship, they most often will not have a good solid relationship.

Friends care about each other, and can talk to each other without feeling like they are not going to be respected and loved when their friend knows the truth. We almost always treat our friends with respect, allowing them to have their own opinions, and express themselves while we listen carefully. We try to encourage our friends, and gently speak the truth when needed. We apologize if we have hurt their feelings, and forgive if they have hurt ours. We may not have everything in common, but we find things that we both enjoy, and we do these things together. If you are my friend, you can call on me anytime- and I will answer you kindly. If I am rude, you give me the benefit of the doubt, figuring I have had a hard day.

If my friend needs help, I am quick to offer it, and not throw it in their face. I try to be fair, and not critical when I don’t agree with my friend. I can talk to my friend, and he will let me finish, making sure he understands what I mean before answering.

How often do we forget that we are friends first? Does my spouse get the respect from me that a friend should get? He should get more respect- he is my other half.

Do I treat him with kindness, valuing his opinions as his, and showing him that his opinions matter to me?

Do I let him talk, without interupting, except to make sure I am understanding?

Do I help him when needed, without giving him a guilt trip or making myself out to be a martyr?

Do I encourage him in the things I know he wants out of life, and the things he believes he is called to do? Do I belittle his feelings, or respect them?

As a wife/friend, it is my goal to treat my husband better than I would treat a friend, but if I don’t evaluate my end of the relationship occasionally, I can slip. I want to make sure that doesn’t happen.

My marriage means a lot to me, and I am willing to work at it to keep it great, and make it even better.

 If Arnold gets his way, there will be no more reference to “mom and dad” or “husband and wife” in the school curriculum of California, and the rest of the country will most likely soon follow suit.

What does this say for the future of marriage? Are our children to be taught that having rolls based on our sex is wrong? Are we to sit quietly by and let the laws change to reflect the sick minds of people who believe that we are not really what we are…. male and female?

This degenerate generation is fulfilling prophecy:

2 Timothy 3

 ”1BUT UNDERSTAND this, that in the last days will come (set in) perilous times of great stress and trouble [hard to deal with and hard to bear].

    2For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered, lovers of money and aroused by an inordinate [greedy] desire for wealth, proud and arrogant and contemptuous boasters. They will be abusive (blasphemous, scoffing), disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane.

    3[They will be] without natural [human] affection (callous and inhuman), relentless (admitting of no truce or appeasement); [they will be] slanderers (false accusers, troublemakers), intemperate and loose in morals and conduct, uncontrolled and fierce, haters of good.

    4[They will be] treacherous [betrayers], rash, [and] inflated with self-conceit. [They will be] lovers of sensual pleasures and vain amusements more than and rather than lovers of God.

    5For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion), they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it [their conduct belies the genuineness of their profession]. Avoid [all] such people [turn away from them].”

We can’t sit back and watch this take place. As husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers, we need to make noise about things such as this.
If we value marriage, family, religious freedom, and want our children to grow up in a society that allows them to be male and female- without making them confused about what these things mean- we must stop it in it’s tracks.
Take this seriously, it is only the beginning of the things to come.
For more information, and tips on what you can do, read Parenting And Religion.

Plethora of Pink, by Margie, is today’s post in the “Limited Edition Foods” blog. Focusing on food and companies that promote Breast Cancer Awareness today, Margie gives us opportunity to find special promotion food.

As much as I like Peppermint Patti bars, and any other dark chocolate, knowing I am supporting Breast Cancer research or awareness encourages me even more than my chocolate cravings, to seek out and buy these things.

This month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and the color is pink. My husband received a beautiful pink packet in his work mail this month, with a pink ribbon and a little book of inspirational poems and quotes, “The Pink Ribbon Book”, by and about women who have fought this disease.

“Hope…is not a feeling; it is something you do.” (Katherine Patterson, American Witer)

The hope we have to go on in spite of seeing and hearing that which is a bringer of fear, doubt, death…this is what we do. Hope is nothing without action. If we truly hope for something, we will hold onto our hope while taking action to help it along. According to the Bible, Faith (action) is the substance of things hoped for. It is what the thing hoped for is made of. (Hebrews 11:1)

If we hope for a cure and for preventive things for cancer, we will take action to see that hope come to pass. We will do our self exam, get our mammograms, and eat healthy.

Now, I am going to buy some pink candy (probably the Nuggets). And by the way, I have already had my mommo for the year (not as bad as I thought it would be either.)

Toilet paper roll on backwards, toothpaste squeezed from the middle, socks on the floor, dishes in the cupboards but in all the wrong places, sheets not on the bed right, so many things to fight over, yet so little time to fight. Do these things provoke arguments in your marriage?
Are they worth having strife over, and being angry about? Is it so important to you that all of these things are done your way, that you insist on proving you are right, and any way not your own is wrong?
Dan and I used to have an ongoing argument, competition, fight….call it what you will. It had to do with how the toilet paper roll is hung. I insited the right way was for the paper to go over the top, and he said it had to come from underneath.
We fought about this so much, we even asked others for their opinions.
Every opportunity, I would change it to my way, and the next thing I knew- he would have it changed back to his way (the wrong way!!!).
I finally decided that, even though I think my way is better, it wasn’t worth having srife or stress over. Who the heck cares, as long as there is toilet paper?
I have even gotten to the point of, if he does dishes, and they end up in the wrong place- so what??!! At least he is doing the dishes!
Having a happy marriage means that sometimes I have to let his way be, even if I think my way is better. In the end, it doesn’t really matter if the cups are on the middle shelf, and the glasses are on the bottom shelf. What matters is that I didn’t have to wash the dishes. It doesn’t matter if the toilet paper comes from under the roll, he remembered to put a new roll on- and that is what matters.
Just think of all the stress in our relationships we could avoid, if we would choose our battles wisely- fight for what really makes a difference, not for the petty, little, unimportant things. Agree to disagree, and that even though you may like your way better, it may not be the only right way.
Now, if I can only get Dan to see that sleeping in a cold room is really better….(nah!!!).

To read about forgiving your spouse, see “Forgivers“.

Did you know that Breast Cancer can be caused by trauma, such as injury, to the breast? I didn’t. I only know this now, because a friend of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer, probably caused by injury or bruising to her breast- years ago. It is called Duct Cancer, here is a website that explains it: http://www.breastcancer.org/pictures/types/dcis/idc.jsp

If you look at the pictures, it shows how it develops, and where. My friend is doing well, and we are praying for her. She is one of the women who went for her mammogram regularly. It’s a good thing they did. This particular cancer is so deep within her breast, that it took a mammo to see it. If she hadn’t gone, who knows when they would have found it? Because she went for her annual mammo, they found it early enough that she expects a very good outcome.

Breast Cancer is something that we have the power to find early, if we are willing to do what it takes to find it. I have known a couple of women who have such a fear of this disease, that they won’t do a self exam or have a mammo. I know one woman who knew she had lumps, and rather than go to a doctor, she ignored it until she could hardly stand the pain. This woman has 3 children, and was convinced that if she got checked out, it would be bad news. When she finally went to the doctor, it was nothing more than an infected duct. All she needed was an antibiotic.

Fear is a powerful thing, it can paralyze us from doing what we know we should do. We need to take control , and if we are afraid- do it afraid.

If you want more information on almost any aspect of breast cancer, please visit Karen Lynch’s Breast Cancer blog.

Take control and take care of yourself. Do your self exam, get your mammogram, and be healthy.

Ten Ways to Transform Your Marriage  is an article at www.CBN.com

Last night at dinner, our oldest daughter (married a year) was here. Dan asked her how married life was, and she said “good, yours?” We looked at each other and I said “It gets better every year!”

Katie replied, “Too bad it isn’t that way for everyone.”

Then we got into a conversation about keeping a marriage good, fun, growing. Dan made the point that even if a marriage seems good, it can always get better. In marriage, like in life in general, we have never “arrived”.

Marriage is not maintainance free. It takes continuous work, and a willingness to do your part. The only trick to having a good marriage, is to realize that even when it is good, you still need to work at it.

Think of it this way- when a bridge is built, it is strong and can take a heavy load. It can go for years bearing weight of enormous amounts. If the bridge is not maintained and worked on to make sure it is structurally sound- regularly- one day it may surprise everyone and suddenly collapse. The collapse could have been prevented if it were checked up on and had been kept up to par. It seemed fine, but under the surface there were things rotting it away. Things which could have been caught and fixed if someone had paid better attention, and taken the time to work on it.

The same holds true for marriage. Instead of assuming things are fine, we need to make sure all is well. We need to have standards we set for our marriage. Communication, time, having fun together, making love regularly- all these things need to be kept up on.

Read this for a list of the Top Ten Strengths of Marriage.

Marriage Quote from www.Smartmarriages.com

 ”Successful treatment of domestic violence must restore the sense of father as
protector for the well being of women, children, and society-at-large.
Children do not need fathers to fight and die for them; they need fathers to
live for them, to value them, and to value what they most value - their
mothers. A father who truly protects his children cannot possibly hurt their
mother.”
 Steven Stosny, www.compassionpower.com

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I am close to someone right now who had a biopsy on Monday, on her breast. Now, we are Christians, and have prayed in faith that the test will be negative. We are believing for the best possible report. As believers, we are also responsible to do everything possible in the natural to keep ourselves healthy. What changes can be made for women to keep themselves healthy?

This article, from the National Breast Cancer Foundation, tells some of the signs and symptoms of breast cancer. Education is the first step in remaining or getting healthy in any area. Having a time for self examination, being aware of any changes that may occur, having an annual breast exam, and mammograms are key to finding things early. Eating a low fat diet, keeping a healthy weight, and exercise are good preventative measures to take against cancer. There have been new studies done that say Vitamin D is helpful in preventing cancer too. Do some research, find helpful information. Not just for Brest Cancer, but for any area of life you may need it for.

There are also ways to help others remain healthy, and get help if they are not healthy. There are foundations,a nd companies that support Breast Cancer Awareness, and other causes you might want to support. M&M’s is one such company. You can read about them here.

Don’t be someone who ignores your own health. Fear, shyness, thinking you are indestructible- these things can keep you from seeking help. Don’t let them. Take charge, and keep yourself healthy. Ask for help from your spouse, or a friend if you need it.
Life is too short, without letting it be cut shorter by things we can avoid, or catch early.

 Among the women I know, there are a few that I know have either been abused in their own homes, or are being abused in the relationships they are in now. They have moments when they want out, and then they have moments when they think the abuser is really changing- so they stay. They walk on eggshells so they don’t tick the abuser off- trying to avoid making him or her angry, pretending everything is ok now. After all it hasn’t happened in a few weeks, or maybe a few days. The victim has a way of idealizing that can be deadly. They know the pattern is simply repeating itself. The abuser seems to change, saying he is sorry, being nice for a while- as long as the victim behaves herself. But eventually he will get angry again, or maybe just have a couple of drinks. He will once again begin the abuse. Not that it ever really ended, it was simply following a pattern.

When an abused person wants out, she needs to make a plan. There are things she can do to prepare for a sudden departure.

If you are a victim of abuse, and you want to get out- here is a wonderful website you can look at to give you tips on how to make a plan and keep yoursef, and your children safe. Click on this : Domestic Violence and Abuse. There is a detailed list of the things you should be prepared to take with you. Having a kit made up ahead of time is a wise decision. You could ask a friend to hold it, or use a suitcase and hide it in a closet. The main thing is to begin making a plan now, before it is too late and you have to leave with nothing.

If you are not sure if you are being abused, read April Gilford’s blog, How Do I Know If I Am Being Abused?

Please, if you are a victim of abuse, seek help. Don’t become a murder victim.

abuse, help with abuse, doemstic violence, marital abuse, victim help, escape plan, end abuse