Marital Talk

Today I will address a couple of areas where domestic violence may be overlooked.

Domestic Violence can be present in the home, and it would not be evident from onlookers, especiallyif the abuser was the woman of the house. Most people might think she is a nag, or that he is too mild mannered, but they would not suspect abuse, because women are not abusers, right?

Wrong.

Spousal abuse can go either way. There are more women who are abused than men, but there are men who are abused. I personally know of 2 homes right now, where the wife is the abuser.

Why do men choose to stay in abusive relationships? Some of the same reasons women do. Mainly fear.

Fear of being ridiculed, fear of losing their children, fear of being exposed as a victim, fear of being alone.

For men the need to be manly, outweighs the need to be safe. When a man is belittled in front of his own kids, he loses their respect. When a woman is physically abusive, men generally take it- even though most of the time they could overpower their abuser if they wanted to. Then they might be considered the abuser, if she reports them touching her. (I know of a case where this happened.)

Another area we often overlook where abuse occurs often, is in the military. When women in the military are physiacally assulted, it is often brushed off as being a misunderstanding, or not that serious. Toni Kemp, a Military Wife, writes about it in her blog today, “Domestic Abuse In The Military“.

Other areas where abuse may be overlooked is in teenage relationships. Teens are less likely to report abuse, and more likely to end up in a lifestyle of abuse if they don’t get out of it. (http://health.yahoo.com/topic/relationships/abuse/article/healthwise/te7751)

Sometimes teen abuse takes the form of one person controlling another. I had a nephew who was in such a relationship. His girlfriend had him jumping to do whatever she wanted, and he developed bruising on his arms, and came home with scratches across his face. She was a true abuser- but he kept dating her for about 2 years. When they finally broke up, he told how bad it really was. Thank God he is out of that situation.

If you know of a family where violence is a way of life, let the victim know you are there if they ever need help. Don’t judge the vicitm. Be there, quietly waiting. If children are involved, intervene if possible.

For more information on Domestic Violence, here are some other 451 press blogs participating in Domestic Violence Awareness Month:

www.herdailynews.com
www.about-sanjoseca.com
www.homecomputertalk.com
www.earthlygarden.com
www.watchingbionicwoman.com
www.watchingbsg.com
www.limitededitionfoods.com
www1PStart.com
www.astrologyexplored.com
www.about-honoluluhi.com
www.parentingandreligion.com

violence, teen violence, spousal abuse in the military, husband abuse, domestic violence, abuse

Please check out these blogs, also supporting Domestic Violence Awareness:

www.herdailynews.com
www.about-sanjoseca.com
www.homecomputertalk.com
www.earthlygarden.com
www.watchingbionicwoman.com
www.watchingbsg.com
www.limitededitionfoods.com
www1PStart.com
www.astrologyexplored.com
www.about-honoluluhi.com
www.parentingandreligion.com
www.maritaltalk.com

          

Fear- of being alone, of not being able to make it on their own, of being killed, for the children’s safety, of living life without the abuser…. all reasons women stay in abusive relationships.

The Victim          (By Jean Lockwood, October 2, 2007)

When the abuser hurts her children, she looks the other way. She sees how bad it is, but she chooses to stay.

When the abuser controls her movements, she cowers down in fear, Not knowing where to turn, not knowing who will hear.

When the abuser threatens leaving, or maybe even death, she forgives and lets him stay with her- but fights for every breath.

When the victim finally takes a stand, for herself and for her kids, She hides in fear of being found- not a good way to live.

When the abuser says he’s changed, and begs her to remain- she gives in and believes him once again, only to tighten her chains.

When people see the bruising on her face and her arm, they turn away and pretend that there really is no harm.

She is all alone, nobody to stand by her side. People don’t want to get involved, they would rather die.

She’s the one who may die in the end, and he may not be blamed. After all, she chose to stay with him- she is the family’s stain.

Only in our selfish hearts, does the victim take the blame.

————————————————

I wrote this after hearing a conversation about an abuse victim at our Bible study this morning. My heart goes out to those who feel they have no choice, but continue to live in an abusive home- watching children be beaten beause they are in fear of even worse things being done. Choose not to look the other way, reach out in love to those who are hurting. Don’t judge them, or their fears. If they know someone genuinely cares, and will be there when nedded, they will eventually open up and let you help in whatever way is called for.

This is my goal;to be approachable, loving, understanding, and available.

For information on how domesic violence effects kids, read my blog, Parenting and Religion.

abuse, domestic violence, abuse victim help, victims

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/10/20031008-5.html), so for the next couple of days I will be blogging about Domestic Violence.

What is considered Domestic Violence? According to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence;

“Domestic violence (sometimes referred to as domestic abuse) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. The term “intimate partner violence” (IPV) is often used synonymously. Other terms include wife or husband beating, battering, “relationship violence”, “domestic abuse”, and “spousal abuse“.^[1] Family violence is a broader definition, often used to include child abuse, elder abuse, and other violent acts between family members.^[2] Some legal jurisdictions have specific definitions.”

So often, we tend to brush off the psychological side of it. After all, there are no bruises, no physical evidence of abuse- so is it really abuse?

How about the manipulation, insults and humiliation one spouse may inflict on another, is this abuse?  What about the husband who is controlling to the point of following his wife wherever she goes? Is this abuse? Is it abuse to accuse her of wearing make-up to attract other men, when she has never given reason to suspect such a thing? Is it abuse to cause feelings of guilt over her doing anything for herself? Is it abuse to humiliate her infront of others, or to control who she can see, how often, and when?

I say yes- to all of the above.

As a Christian woman (who is also a wife and mother), I can honestly say that I have seen a lot of abuse that is brushed off as being normal. Controlling, manipulation, insults, humiliation, and guilt are prime examples of abuse that is overlooked- especially among Christians. We look at the Bible for our answers, and tell wives to submit to their husbands, yet we overlook what should be obvious- LOVE, and treating others as you want to be treated.

If I really love another person, I will not try to control them, manipulate them, or use guilt to get them to do what I want.

In Ephesians 5, right after the verses telling wives to submit to their husbands, verse 25 says “ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

This means he is to love her so much, that he is willing to die for her. He puts her needs above his own, making sure she is happy, fulfilled, and has every need met. If a man does these things, he will have a wife who is willing and wanting to make him happy. (Submit to him).

If husbands really love their wives this way, they will not use manipulation, guilt, insults, or humiliation. They will not be controlling and domineering. They will be giving, encouraging, and generous. They will be glad to help when needed, and make sure she has time for herself.

Domestic Violence is more than physical, so is domestic harmony. It’s time to end the ignoring and hiding, and make a stand for treating each other with love. It is time to be honest, and say we have missed it. It is not ok to watch silently while others are in pain- psycologically, or physically.

For more on Domestic Violence, see http://www.lifeasachristianwoman.com/author-jocelyn-andersens-opening-statement-concerning-woman-submit-christians-domestic-violence/

domestic violence, psycological violence, abuse, domestic abuse