Marital Talk

Dan surprised me by coming home last night. He was supposed to be away for work, but got all his work done- so he came home.

I love surprises like that.

It amazes me that after almost 28 years of marriage, I still crave being with him. Even just being in the same room with him is satisfying.

I think that is one area some couples miss it. They are together, but not. They let life interfere with really being together. Being totally open, letting themselves have fun, playing, talking serious, and enjoying each other. These things have to be done on purpose. They have to be a regular part of a marriage relationship for it to grow and continue getting better.

There is no “We have arrived” in marriage. There is a constant change, a continuous growth, a need for always working- together.

Being apart physically can be hard. But being together physically, and apart emotionally, and spiritually is a trap. I suggest this:

Be together. In all ways possible, work together, unashamedly telling your spouse what your needs are- and being willing to change things in order to meet the needs of your spouse. Sometimes the change can be as simple as taking time to talk. Sometimes it may be changing your priorities. The important thing is that you work together for the common good- your relationship. After all, the investment you have already made is worth growing into a beautiful marriage.

Being together for life, and liking it. That is marriage.
Having my marriage be even better tomorrow than it was today- that is what I want.

So, I was telling my brother that Dan and I are going away for a week later in the spring, and he suggested we go to Disney World. I said “No way!”

I would have such a hard time being there, thinking how much fun the kids would have, and all we would talk about it the kids.

He said “So tell them you are scoping it out to plan a family trip…..”

hmmm…………..

Now I am thinking ………

As I was trying to decide what blog to put this in, I decided to put it in both of them because when parents unite, it helps the marriage and when husband and wife unite, it helps the parenting.

What I am dealing with right now, is the idea of what to do when you have a child (teenager at the moment), who outrightly is into arguing to make a point. It doesn’t really matter what the point is, or even if it is something worth arguing about- they just want to make their point (of course the opposite of your point as a parent).

That is what seems to be the big challenge here lately, and Dan and I have come up with a solution together- we refuse to argue with them. (not easy when they are wrong- but worth keeping peace in the home).

What I mean is, we decided to refuse them the opportunity to push our buttons by saying the way it is, and if they voice an opposition we don’t get into a shouting match. We are however willing to discuss things unemotionally. That is the key- to remain unemotional.

Not an easy task when we are emotional as parents, and want the best for our kids- but a needed task if we don’t want to be trapped into a shouting match.

I have learned from experience with my adult children, that if I keep my cool, they will get tired of trying to prove their point. If I loseit, and get emotional, they want to make their point even more- and will say hurtful things to do so.

Keeping my cool is not easy, especially when it is something I have conviction about. Sometimes I have to call an end to the conversation, and let them know I disagree but will not discuss it any further. This type of thing is important to be a united front with your spouse on because you need to stick together.

Not only on how much talking you are willing to do, but on the consequences of crossing the line into arguing and manipulating. These things must be agreed on and enforced.
For instance: if the disagreement is about TV, the parents must agree on what is acceptable for viewing. Of course there will be oppposition, but if it escalates into arguing and manipulating- the consequence should have to do with TV. Something such as setting parental controls (which should be done anyhow), or being stricter for a while (grounding?) may work to curb the argument- but must be agreed on by the parents.

When it comes right down to it, the more parents can agree on - the more peace there will be in the home. Being in agreement is the deciding factor.

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The best Christmas gift Dan ever gave me, was what he gave me this year. He wrote me a letter telling me thati t is time for the two of us to have a few days alone, and that he wants to take me away when he has a vacation week….. without the kids.

Now, Dan and I make sure we get time alone. We go on dates, we talk daily (some days hourly…thanks to cell phones), so it isn’t like we never have time alone. But since we have had kids (almost 22 years), we have only had 1-2 nights at most without kids.

He checked with our teens and adult children, and they agreed to provide child care for the little ones so we can do this.

I am not driven to tears very often, but when I read the letter I cried. I told Katie (my married daughter), that even if we never end up doing it, just knowing he wants to is a huge gift to me. She laughed. She said “of course you will go, we will make sure of it!”

The point I was trying to make is that the gift of knowing he desires to be alone with me, means more to me than actually being alone with him will. Knowing his heart is in it, and that he wants time with me- that is the ultimate gift. He is not only giving me his time, but wanting to. I am blessed!

So, here is a bit of marital advice: Let your spouse know your desire is for them. To spend time together, with no interuptions. It is a wonderful gift.

And who knows, it could make all the difference in your marriage.

Sunday at church, Dan made a very interesting and true coment during his sermon (did I say he is a Pastor?- well, he is). He was talking about how to have a good relationship. He mentioned the fact that all married coupel have in common the fact that they all went through some kind of marriage ceremony, all said vows to each other in front of witnesses, and all made the commitment to stand by each other in better and worse, sickness and health. Yet if you take a group of married couples, there will be all degrees of good or bad marriages.
Yes, we all did the same thing to get married, yes we all made vows and had good intentions. Why are there so many differences when we all started out in the same way?
The answer is that what we do to make it continuously better or worse is the key.

What comes after the ceremony, and in the daily life together? Do we work together to make it wonderful- keeping a continuous hand on problems and addressing them before they get out of hand>

Or do we assume that we are ok, ignoring possible warning signs and thinking- “Oh, that could never happen to us”?

It is a good idea to evaluate where we are as a couple, and how we got here. What have we done that makes us a good thing, and what should we stop doing that can potentially make us a problem thing?

How can we work together to make our marriage the best?

I would strongly recommend a Marriage Conference, such as Family Life’s Weekend To Remember. It is good for great marriages and for troubled marriages.

Check it out: Weekend to Remember

You won’t be sorry.

I know a couple who have been struggling in their marriage for years. They have very little in common- other than both being Christians, and their four children. They have considered calling it quits, but over 25 years together makes it a tough decision, They have decided to try and make it into a good thing.

I give this couple a lot of credit. So often when things are hard we give up without a fight. Why not fight for something that can make life better, such as making a marriage good.

One problem they have is that one of them wants to be able to do what they want when they want, with no questions and no reporting when they will be home, or where they are going. There is no affair going on- just outright rebellion (reminds me of what teenagers go through), and selfishness.

We are all selfish- we want our own way all the time. (Me included!)But when there is a relationship of relying on each other, and being one with each other (marriage), there can be no “Just Me” attitude, and have it be a happy relationship.

We have a rule at our house- no one, not even me or Dan, goes anywhere without someone knowing where they are going. It is not only for relationship’s sake, but for safety. We also have the “No one storms out angry” rule (which really stinks when I am the angry one).

Mutual respect, consideration, and kindness are so important in any relationship- but above all the marriage.

If I respect my husband, consider him in all my decisions, and speak to him with kindness- he will in turn treat me the same way. If I treat him like he is a child (talk down to him, belittle him, nag at him), he won’t want me to ask him questions or give me information about his whereabouts.

Marriage can be wonderful and marriages that are not so wonderful can be made better. But it does take work. It can take retraining ourselves and doing things different. It can mean not doing what we want when we want, regardless of how we feel about it. It means coming to a mutual decision to make things better, and each spouse working on themselves.

Make marriage great- work together.

Marriage- next to religious beliefs and choice, possibly the biggest decision any of us will ever make.

To marry, or to remain single. That is the question. Now, I know there are some who prefer to remain single- they haveno desire to be married, and are happiest living alone. Then there are those who live as though they are married, but without the “paper work and ceremony” to go along with it and make it a sealed deal. Then there are people like me who believe that if you are going to be commited to someone, and want to spend your life with them- marriage is the only way.

I vote for marriage. If you are going to live with all the fun of being married, then be married. Why deny what has traditionally been the greatest joining of people together- just for the sake of being politically correct, or not commiting because of fear.

If you are already married- make it an adventure. Don’t stop surprising each other. Keep the flame burning. Enjoy all life can offer you, together. There is no need to get bored or grow tired of things- if you keep sparking the fire.

Making the decision to be together for life (and that is how marriage should be looked at- despite the popular fad of wanting contracts for a few years and then it is over), is a serious one, but should not be feared to the pointo f being afraid of commiting. It should be embraced as a step towards completion. Completion of a couple becoming one, a new family beginning, and a force that had never been being.

Marriage is a uniting of a front, a tying of a knot that is not easily untied, and the unveiling of a power that is greater than one person ever could be.

As scripture says “Two become one”- that is a great thing.