Marital Talk

I’ve given you all a little background about me, now surely some of you can tell me something about your and your spouse.  You don’t have to get nitty gritty and give me all the details, just the general information.  So, I’ve basically made my own little questionnaire.  Please take a few minutes and fill it out so I can get some ideas what you guys are interested in discussing.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want, I certainly don’t mind and it really may let the conversation be more open if you choose to go the anon way. 

So, without further ado, I give you 5 quick questions:

1.  Where did you and your spouse meet?

2.  Have either of you been married before?

3.  If so, do you or your spouse have children from a previous marriage/relationship?

4.  When you first married/together, was sex the biggest past time you could find?

5.  If so, have you moved on to different past times or are you still regally adored and adoring to your spouse?

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I suppose that most of you have figured out that I basically write about what’s going in my life.  If you have a topic you would like to discuss, please leave a comment here or email me so I can do it.  For now, I’m just pulling from our own lives and making examples.

We are on our way on vacations.  I made the decision to keep our 5 year old out of kindergarten this coming up week.  His teacher sent his work home and we are going to work on it during our week off.  We are going to the beach.  And, we are strictly going for rest and relaxation.  Nothing more.

The city we’ve chosen to visit is one I’ve been too more times than I can count, even if I take my shoes off and we all there last year.  So, we know what we want to see and do..and basically it is very little. 

Wayne and our vacation well together.  He is a little more antsy to get up in the mornings and get going and I prefer to sit back and enjoy the morning watching the waves crash and surfing.  (And if Guidor, Gordo, Gustav or what ever his name is holds true to the weather man’s forecast, we won’t have to worry. 

And, if it is just rain we get off of the big guy, that’s fine too because like I said, we have similar expectations.  We’ve worked unbelievable hard in the last year and half.  Owning your own business is difficult on a marriage, especially when one of the partners is more dedicated and the other has to work his/her own full time job. 

So, basically, we feel like we deserve this vacation.  We’ve been on many short trips together but we really splurged on this one and will be staying for a week.  I absolutely couldn’t be happier.  And, like I said, we both want to sit and relax, hang by the pool and watch our children play in the kiddie pool, the kiddie bowling and we will eventually be rested enough to get in the big pool with them and play.

And, the boys have new sand shoes and sand toys so they will be ready to hit the beach and waste time there as well.  So, with that, I’m giving you the opportunity to tell me about you and your spouse. 

Do you travel well together?

Do you ever travel without one another?

Where is your favorite vacation spot?

What’s a typical vacation like for you and your spouse/family?

I’m waiting on someone to throw me a bone so I can talk about other stuff, so come on all, get to barking at me.

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Today was our session with our counselor.  I think all three of us really don’t know how to act because my husband and I really don’t have any issues to sort through.  There are some but not that I’m comfortable revealing to the counselor just yet.  But, when we met him the first time, I was the one doing all the talking.

I told the counselor how I felt about the way Wayne treated the boys, how he was grumpy and hateful, etc.  But, at the same time, he had just started taking an anti-depressant and he was already starting to get better.  So, before we closed, I simply said, "Here I’ve done all this badgering of my husband and he hasn’t said one negative thing about me.  Does that mean I’m doing everything right and I’m perfect?"

We all got a good laugh out of that.  So, Wayne looked at me and said, "you know the only problem I have."  I looked at the counselor and told him that that Wayne didn’t like it because our children slept in our bed.  The counselor laughed and asked Wayne if that was the issue.  Wayne confirmed it and we all got a good laugh about how I was doing the talking for both of us. 

Anyway, today, after a little jabbering about the fact that things were relatively good at our house, he asked if we were serious about getting the children out of our bed.  Wayne didn’t answer.  I let him know that it doesn’t bother me that they are there and that Wayne was the one who doesn’t like it.

He offered up a bit of research which is difficult to explain but I’m going to try.  Basically it goes like this (I thought I would eventually find it on-line but I couldn’t):

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and each time they pecked it, they got a piece of corn.  So, obviously they learned, peck once and corn comes out.

Group 2 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they had to peck the lever 5 times to get corn.  So, they would peck peck peck peck peck, get corn, peck peck ..you understand I know.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they got corn at random pecks.  One peck, corn, 5 pecks, corn, 20 pecks, corn, 8 pecks, corn.

Then, they took all the corn away.

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group peck, no corn, peck, no corn, peck, no corn - and they finally gave up.

Group 2 of Chickens

This group would peck peck peck peck peck,no corn, lather, rinse and repeat.  This group finally gave up.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group never gave up, they just kept pecking because they thought that at some point they would eventually get a piece of corn.

He related that to our children.  He says that they have figured out that there is a limit where we just say, "I give up, it is simpler to just let them go into our bed than to keep fighting us."

As we speak, we are doing the bedtime battle, however we both agreed that it is a mute point until we get back from vacation.

His suggestion of course, as I already knew, was to hold our ground.  No going to our bed, they had to go to bed in their bed, period.  No matter how many times they come and ask us before we go to bed, the answer has to be no.  Wayne can do it, or so he says he can.  I can’t.  I hate it.  I don’t like for them to cry.

I told the counselor how I am an only child and I was always alone and I hated it.  All I can think about is how horrible it felt and when the kids want to come to bed with us, I feel it is because they are feeling that way.

His answer, of course, was "don’t project yourself onto your children".

Finally, it came down to the fact that if they come to our bed during the middle of the night, we simply took them back to their room.  I agreed that this was a simple plan.  We’ve done it before.  However, as I told him, that always falls on me. 

When it was one and we were breaking him, I would get up 7 or 8 times a night and take him back.  Wayne never had to do this, he never even stirred.  The man could sleep through a volcano. 

The counselor agreed that this was ridiculous and how did I get any rest.  I explained that I didn’t, sleep deprivation is ugly and on me it is really ugly.  So, again I made the suggestion that even though it doesn’t bother me that the kids are in our bed, I know it bothers Wayne and I’m willing to toughen up and let him handle them prior to us going to bed.  I followed that up with the fact that when the boys come into our room after we are asleep, I felt like it would only be fair that he get up at least half the time.

The counselor agreed that it was fair.  Wayne on the other hand admitted that he would never wake up.  So, I say, "it just doesn’t work out because he wants it but I am the one who wakes up every time, even if it is to wake him up and tell him that it is his turn to take the kid back to bed."

The counselor agreed again that this sounded off.  We left this session with the counselor stating that if we really wanted the children out of our bed, he would help us.  But, of course, he made it clear, WE have to WANT it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The counselor said that when this happened with his children, he would finally get to a point where he would sit his children down before bed and tell them "Listen, Dad is not getting any sleep, if you come to our bed tonight, I’m going to spank you."

I obviously made an odd face because he said that he did indeed get his little paddle out and spank one of his kids at 2 AM.  But, that this child quit coming to their bed. 

I am not going to spank my children for coming to our bed, even if it is 99 times.  I will however try to find a way of rewarding them for staying in their bed. 

So, I am curious what you guys do about "children in the marital bed".

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As most of you have already figured out, I’m not a very short and sweet kind of writer.  I try, oh how I try so hard.  But, the fact is, I just get all excited.  But, this one, this one is going to be short I promise.

My topic is this:  How do you and our spouse/significant other/partner handle the every day duties of running a home when one of the adults involved is sick?  With that, I mean sick as in 1.  has a cold or the flu  2.  sick as in has a temporary illness but that is lasting several months (I’ll explain in detail) or 3. has a long term illness?

1.  Tell me what it is like in your house when you get sick.  Who picks up the extra work that you simply can’t do because you are sick?  Or does anyone bother to help out?  Secondly, what happens when your spouse/partner is sick?  Do you pick up his/her share of he work?  Or do you leave it for them as they maybe did the same to you at one point?

Ok, see, that was pretty short.  That’s my first question.

2.  What happens when one of the adults in the house has a temporary illness but one that lasts for longer than say the flu?  For instance, my husband broke his leg two years ago?  I worked myself into a frenzie around here trying to do my part and his part.  Is that the case at your house?  And, currently I have mono and my husband has been dealt a hand of doing more of the childcare than he already did which was quite a darn bit before.  As long as I rest good for a few days, I can have a few good days.  But, instead, what happens is, we get excited when I feel well and we spend 3 or 4 days on the go and then I have to spend 3 or 4 days in the bed.  What happens at your house under these circumstances?

A side note here, my husband has missed one sick day in 6 years other than when he had a broken leg.  And, even then, he would log into the computer system at work and do what he needed to do from home on many days.  However, since I’ve met him, I’ve had 2 c-sections, spent 12 weeks of one pregnancy on bed rest and 11 weeks of another pregnancy on bed rest, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, a hysterectomy, a major back surgery which involved about 2 months in bed and another 2 months of doing nothing and now with the mono bit which my doc predicts will last well into the month of October.  So, you can see who has been the one drawing the short stick at my house for quite some time.  I’m just curious what would happen at your house under these circumstances.  And, for you single parents, how do you handle these kinds of situations?

Ok, so that one wasn’t very short.  Sorry.

3.  One adult has a long term illness?  For instance, I am a diabetic, I have a thyroid disorder and now I have mono.  Hopefully by the end of October I will be back to normal.  But, cancer is rampant in our world.  How do the adults work out all the logistics when one of the adults has cancer, is paralyzed, etc?  Tell me how it works in your house, please.

Ok, see, that wasn’t so bad.  And, also, in all three questions I really would like to hear from the single parents. 

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Yes, I live over the top most of the time.  One of the top vote getters in the Poll entitled Strong Points of Your Marriage was Leisure Activities.  I must say that sounds fairly obvious to most people, or at least to the two or three I’ve spoken with.  But the fact is, sometimes, the very fact that there is time to be burned and that time is suppose to be spent doing something enjoyable is enough to cause conflict. 

For Wayne and I, it depends on the details of our leisure time.  It depends on if the leisure time is simply time off work, like the weekends, or a real vacation where you get in a car or plane and go sleep in a strange bed.  Let me explain.

If it is a regular work week, and there’s a holiday thrown in that gives a three-day weekend or even if a weekend comes a long that we have no plans at all, we differ completely on what "leisure activities" means. 

In that situation, leisure activities means sleep.  It means that I do not have to do the dishes until I want to, I do not have to vacuum or do laundry until I want to and I can take a nap anytime I please.  And, if that nap happens to last….oh 4 or 5 hours, that’s ok because it is my leisure activity for the time period in question.

This drives Wayne crazy.  He hates it when I sleep.  If I had my choice (and I did pre-marriage and children), I would sleep from Friday night until late Saturday afternoon, rise for a few hours and go back to bed sleeping until about mid-day on Sunday.  I would do my chores and then head back to bed in preparation for the work week.  That…that is the ultimate leisure activity for me.

For Wayne, a leisure activity means so many other things.  It means pulling out the lawn mower and working on it, pulling out the four-wheeler and working on it, waxing and buffing his car, getting dressed up nice and going somewhere nice to eat, having a few drinks and then returning home for …..well, you know for what.

I guess you can see the conflict there, eh?

Here’s what Duane W. Crawford at Texas Tech University and Ted L. Houston at the University of Texas at Austin had to say on the matter.

Obviously they did a study and:

Results indicated that

(a) new parents and childless couples do not differ in the amount of time they spend in leisure activities both spouses like,

(b) parenthood reduces the amount of time new fathers engage in leisure activities independently, (my husband would shout Amen to this one to the rooftops)

(c) parenthood increases the amount of time couples pursue activities together that are liked by the wife but not the husband, and (wow, he disagreed with this one)

(d) parenthood reduces the amount of time wives pursue leisure activities they dislike but their husbands like. (this one confuses me a little bit)

The results show that parenthood restricts husbands’ independent leisure pursuits and increases the extent to which spouses’ leisure activities reflect the preferences of wives rather than husbands.

I have to say that I don’t agree with the last one as much as I do the others.  Naturally I linked to it and you can go read it all for yourself and see what you think and where you and your spouse fall into the whole "leisure activities" subject.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how the Leisure Activity takes on a totally different meaning when we have the opportunity to go on vacation.

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I just wanted to make sure you know that I haven’t forgot about.  I’m checking the poll and will make my final decisions and do my research on that tomorrow.  From there, we should have some fairly good information coming our way.  So, stick with me, my husband has so surely you can too.

Somewhere in Alabama: you will find:

A Crack ‘n Life

Life In Reality

TV Boyfriends

The others should be added by tomorrow.

Mom is Teaching

Marital Talk

Mental & Emotional Health

Well, as it seems, we’ve had some visitors here.  And, with that, our Poll Results have changed a little.  You can see them for yourself but I thought it interesting that Money and Parenting cause about the same about of stress and sex and chores are equal.  Trust issues come in down there with a low six percent but I will be the first to admit that I had serious trust issues in my present marriage because of the garbage from my last marriage.

So, with that, let’s see what the strong points are in our marriages.  Take this poll and let me know what you think is most important.

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Well, at this time only ten people have participated in the poll but I full expect to see a couple more people in the poll later.  And, you can look for yourself and see that 40% of the polling people say that parenting is what stresses their marriage the most.

Parenting is terribly difficult in our houses as well.  Especially since my husband and I are both only children, we really have problems discerning when to step in and when to stay out of sibling squabbles.  And, of course, one of us always thinks the other one is being too strict.

Money received 30% of the votes and I can honestly say that we don’t argue about money in our house.  We don’t have much and we just pay what we have pay and I can count the few times that money was an issue.  Both of us are very giving and our children are no spoiled.  Neither my husband nor myself grew up in a home with an endless money stream so we know how to watch what we are doing.  Our children are learning this as well too I think. 

As far as the 20% of the people who chose sex as a stressor, I can totally understand.  There are so many factors to sex after children come along that it makes sex difficult.  Find the time, having the energy, slowing down to even spend enough time with one another that sex becomes a conscious thought.  And with so many drugs out there that treat serious diseases like diabetes, thyroid disorders, depression and anxiety, many people explain problems with their libido.  I’d love to hear more from you on this topic if you have time to comment.

So, with that, we will start our study on how parenting affects marriages tomorrow since it received the most votes.  And,, as the percentages change, I’ll keep you up to date.

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I’m anxious to start writing more research based information along with real-life examples.  So, if you will, please participate in my poll.  And, remember, anonymous comments are welcome.  I know many people frown on anonymous comments but I believe in a forum like this one, if we have the opportunity to be more honest and open, we can all learn from each other without hurting anyone.

So, please, take part of the poll.  Also, multiple selections are allowed.

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Ok, I tend to get wordy in these situations but my goal is to tell you about me and my husbands (yes  I meant that plural) as well as what I hope to do with the site. *I want to learn and I want to educate.  So, here goes:

My name is Jerri Ann and my husband is Wayne.  We’ve been married 6 years and we have 2 children.  One is 5 and the other is 3.  We have very different parenting strategies and it causes problems in our marriage.  We recently had our first counseling session because this seems to be our main marital challenge.  I will talk more about this I’m sure. 

We met on the internet.  He saw my online ad.  He sent me a message asking me to dinner.  I had a date with someone that I had been out with before but wasn’t sure I really liked.  I told him I already had plans and he immediately said, "what about lunch". 

There really is a point here, I promise. 

We went to lunch.  He asked me about dinner the next night.  I agreed.  But, I stayed out late that night and asked him to just join me at my apartment for pizza and a Braves game the next night.  (Would it be bad here to admit that I know that this was a Monday and a Tuesday but not the exact dates? It was sometime around the first of August.)  He ordered pizza and came over for the game.  He never went home. 

I am not kidding.  That is exactly what happened.  He had to be sent to Florida for business the next week and by Thursday he asked me to join him.  And, I did.  We bought a camper a month later (he worked construction).  I quit my job the next month.  We started trying to have a child the next month.  I got pregnant 2 months later.  I had a miscarriage but by this time we were living in Florida.  We tried again and immediately we were pregnant with our first child. 

At 38 weeks pregnant, I begged him to quit his job and move home with me.  He agreed.  He got a job.  We bought a home.  We had another baby.  And now…..here we are.

So, that was a trip down memory lane.  Now, a few more quick thoughts.  I want you to really know us and where we came from. 

He was freshly divorced when we met.  So fresh that he didn’t even have a copy of the papers from his lawyer.  He agreed to pay alimony and their house payment for five years.  Luckily, two years later, she got married, gave him the house and he was out of the alimony payment.

I…I am not so simple.  I married at 22 to my college sweetheart.  We grew apart.  I can’t say we tried very hard to keep the marriage together.  It ended 18 months later.  I married again 2 years later.  A rebound marriage to an abusive man.  He was verbally and physically abusive.  He wasn’t smart enough to manipulate me emotionally or intellectually. 

Here comes the hard part.  I married again in 1998.  He was abusive.  Not physically, not verbally, but the emotional and intellectual abuse was far worse.  He became addicted or I should say re-addicted to drugs.  He quit coming home from work on Fridays and would only come home when he had no money.  I finally got the nerve to leave him.  I then spent a year hunting him so that I could get a divorce.   I found him.  He was back in jail and currently he is in prison again. 

I told  you that previous part because when Wayne and I first got together, I had serious issues of him going to work and leaving me.  It took a long time (and I mean like over a year and a half) for me to be comfortable with him going somewhere without me. 

So, we’ve not come to this marriage without baggage, without expectations and sometimes the expectations have been negative.  I gave you the one example of me about feeling like I would be abandoned again so now one about Wayne.

For Wayne, his ex-wife gained a lot of weight after he married her.  I don’t mean, like 50 pounds either.  I mean, she gained almost 200 pounds.  He told me honestly when we met (I weighed about 180 pounds, so I wasn’t a little person, he didn’t care though) that he didn’t mean to be so cold but that he would not sit around and watch someone do that again.  He wished he had intervened. 

Trust me, he isn’t all about physical looks.  He hasn’t said a word as my weight shot up to 225 pounds as of late.  He has done his best to help me.  Now that we know I am diabetic and have a thyroid disorder, I’m losing weight.  We have a treadmill and my plan is to get with it on Monday.  (Why Monday?  Because I’ve had mono and my doc told me not to exercise until she checked me, so I waited.  Monday, the treadmill gets to meet me.)

So, as I said in the beginning, I get wordy with these kind of things but I believe it is important for you to know who I am, who my husband is and how we came to be in this marriage that I would say is strained first and foremost by parental strategies and secondly by financial problems but overall, 98% of the time, we are very very happy.  I would say happy enough to make the folks who know us in real life beg to know the secret.  No secret, just mature adults, doing what we have to do. 

*I am going to save this for tomorrow…because, you know, I got wordy.*

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