Marital Talk

On Sunday I had an opportunity to make some engagement photos.  Now, I’m not a professional but I do pretty good work.  Actually, my husband and I do better work when we work together because I can set the people, fix their clothes, turn their faces and such and he can snap photos.   Yesterday however, I did them all alone.

Here’s one or two of my favorite shots….then I’ll continue with the story..

They have agreed to help me document some of the on-going that occur when you are planning a wedding.  Right now she is suppose to be doing me a cute post of the &upthrust far in the world of wedding planning" and I’ll keep you posted.  You know, wedding planning is not easy, and she is getting married in December but she is really an organized girl so the planning hasn’t been that difficult.

However, she has done the planning while working, going to school full time (graduating a few weeks back), taking state boards, etc.  I think it might be neat for those of us who have lost our memory of how exciting and romantic that time of life can be.  So, enjoy the spreadsheet and remember, I’m not a professional and the photos haven’t been edited at all. 

Anyway, what’s your opinion?

I’m running a series of posts regarding children and their emotional and mental well-being as well as their physical well being.  I’m going to link to them but realize that some of the links won’t work until much later in the week.  But, the reason I believe they are appropriate here is this quote in The Case Against Homework by Sara Bennett and Nancy Kallish which I reference quite frequently in those posts simply as TCAH.

The premises is hard how children are being pushed in our world today.  There is much discussion about homework and children losing their childhood to school work instead of playing in the dirt or running around the playground.  Here’s the quote and it is in reference to children being pushed to score well on standardized tests.

"….Each year, up to twenty test booklet have to be discarded per day because children have thrown up on them"

Are you reading that?  They throw up over a standardized test that measures basically nothing.  While are we emotionally allowing schools to bully our children like this.  Here’s the other links and I’ll date them for you as to their availability.

September 28, 2008 - The Time is Now

September 28, 2008 - More of my silly comments about homework

September 29, 2008 - Some More ADD - TCAH - My Own Child

September 29, 2008 - Let me tell you a little story

September 30, 2008 - Here, Here, I say, here, here

September 30, 2008 - Oh and another real life story

September 30, 2008 - Oh and One more thing

October 1, 2008 - I Hope This is Not What My Future Holds

October 1, 2008 - The Case Against Homework - The Homework Potato

October 2, 2008 - Don’t even get me started on sleep

October 2, 2008 - Another Personal Rant

I’m cross posting this on my Mom is Teaching blog for obvious reasons.  Or at least I think they are obvious.

It relates to activity level of children and also their sleep habits.  You knew I couldn’t let it go that easily didn’t you? 

The Case Against Homework quotes an Early Childhood Education Professor named Olga Jarrett,

"When kids are not allowed a chance to be playful, that playfulness tends to come out in negative, disruptive ways."

I see this every day.  If Jace stays home with me, we stay indoors, he plays, I write, we read a book, we play, we eat, he plays, I write, we take a nap and when Walker gets home from school I swear it is like someone has fed him a hyper pill.  And, in the end, he gets in trouble.  Then, it is bedtime and he gets in more trouble.  It is a vicious cycle. 

Then, days like today (and most of this last week), the boys have played outside after Walker got out of school and Jace has been to my mom’s and played out doors some as well.  They come in, eat, take a bath and go to bed - exhausted.  And, they sleep well, remember.

Winter time is hard because it is more difficult to get him out and about for long periods of time and I’m sure it will affect Walker as well being cooped up in a classroom.

The bottom line goes like this:

an active child that gets the necessary physical activity does better when asked to do quiet activities and rests better after a day full of activity, mental and physical - pretty simple formula if you ask me.

My opinion goes back to a prior post where I said that my parents felt like it was my job to go to school and do homework and they didn’t intervene.  I feel very much like that.  The only job children should have is playing and learning and the more you can make learning look  like playing, the better off you and the child will be in the long run. 

My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on this all the time.  I mean, he has a hard time gripping the fact that when the boys have been cooped up, they need time to run wild and free.  And, if they don’t get that time, they become difficult and they simply aren’t sleepy at their normal bedtime. 

We are making progress, lots of progress, but it is a four-way battle every night; Daddy versus Mommy versus Walker versus Jace.  Every night….I can’t get Wayne to try to think like a 3 and 5 year old….should be easy, but in most cases, not so much.

Ok, stepping off my soap box.

Well, all that hoopla surrounding the how’s and why’s of getting our children to sleep in their own bed was for naught.  No it wasn’t really, it was extremely helpful.  Here’s the pieces of advice we took, modified and used to get the boys to the point where we are now.

1. We took away their night time TV.  Oh it wasn’t easy.  We gave them 3 nights warning which is basically how we handle everything.  We learned a long time ago that my children will do almost anything if you give them fair warning.  So, we counted down the nights and now there is no TV prior to bedtime.
2. We took away their night time "take a sippy of milk and water to bed".  Now they have no reason to come out of their room.  They would use that as an excuse.
3. I allowed my husband to force them to stay in their room and I did not intervene.  It worked.  It was painful, but it worked.
4. Wear them down.  Activities, activities, exercise and more exercise.  The more tired they are, the easier they fall asleep and the harder and more sound they sleep.

It isn’t great, at least one still makes his way to our room during the night but the last 2 nights, one has stayed in his own bed all night and the other has come into our bed after 5 AM or so. 

So, hey, I’ll take it!

Cross posted all over the place, just letting you know…

I have a very close cyber-buddy (I mean, you know, as close as two people can be in cyber space) and she has the most upbeat attitude that sometimes I wonder if maybe I need some of what she has stashed in her kool-aid drawer at home.  Either way, I’ve seen her make photos of thunderstorms and turn them into happy times.  She’ll pour a glass of wine and visit with the neighbor while the children play and she sits back with her wine and enjoys it all.

She’s been known to chase their dog around the neighborhood in her PJ’s and barely stops to wonder if anyone notices.  Basically, she just has a great attitude. 

Have I ever known her to not have a great attitude?  Of course I have, no one is that perfect all the time.  But, she knows how to block the punches, skip over the rocks and dunk under the timbers and land flat on her feet right in front of the river of rainbows.  Yea, she is that good.

Anyway, she has a new site up and running and in case you haven’t figured it out already, the site is Happiness Is The New Black.  I sent her a snarky little email asking her what she was trying to prove by not letting me in on the secrets of her blog life and she sent me packing to the about page and the submit page.   But, since I’m in such a grand ol’ mood, I’ll give you a quick blow by blow just in case you are interested in contributing.

In the about section, this quote summarizes the site for me, "True happiness is deep, pure and everlasting. It is subtle and it is popular because we all share an intrinsic need for it."  And, with that, you can share your happiness or just read about the happiness of others.

The Submit section will answer questions for you like, How do I contribute?, What do I contribute? Why should I contribute? as well as the When’s? and How often’s.  Go on check it out, it could make for some serious emotional healing….happiness is contagious The New Black

I think I have a fairly secure system here.  Yes, we’ve had a few problems, don’t let anyone tell you that they don’t.  But, the fact of the matter is, prior to last Christmas or so, we really had never had any issues at all.  We simply snap together and work it.  I think what happened last winter was a huge wake-up call for both of us and now we can continue with making marriage work for us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried it a total of 4 times now, and I know a bad one when I see it.  When I read blogs online when women are discussing their husbands being abusive verbally, it rips at my very gut.  When I read blogs where women discuss the emotional and physical abuse they they endure for the sake of their children….I wonder how hard could it be to see through the clutter and the plain ugliness of it all.

I’m fortunate that there were no children involved in any of my marriages until now.  I think I was very fortunate to find a man who was childless as well.  We were roughly 34 and 33 years of age and most folks have at least had one child by that age and very rarely to those who haven’t find a partner that’s childless.

I was a step-child and I know exactly how difficult it is.  I was a physically, emotionally and verbally abused step-child too.  I am not just playing with words here when I tell you, I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.  And, I know how it feels to wonder why exactly your parent tolerates such nonsense.

I mean, I know my mother loved me.  I  know she knew he was abusive to me because he was equally abusive to her.  So why would she let that continue.  It took a really big scene for her to discover what was happening right before her eyes.  And, even still, I wonder sometimes. 

Anyway, I didn’t start this to write about that, I started it to tell you what a wonderful man I have.  Yes, he has his faults and well, ok, if you make me say it, I have faults too, but over-all, I think we make a pretty good match. 

I just thought it was time for a good story instead of stressed one and then I had to go and throw in the step-children stuff.  Oh well, just remember, good marriages do exist.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I wrote on my other blog Mental & Emotional Health about my desire to change anti-depressants due strictly to cost.  My co-pay for Cymbalta had jumped to $60 a month and I knew there had to be some alternatives that were cheaper.  Prozac is a long time friend of mine and I chose to try it again.  And, it is substantially cheaper at $15. 

Anyway, none of the switching would even be possible if my husband weren’t on board with the switch.  I mean, honestly, no one else is going to deal with you when you are cranky and rude and sleep 20 hours a day as you make the transition. 

My mom would hang around and support me for a little while, and most definitely she has helped by keeping Jace the last 2 days, but she would get agitated herself with me before the medication change happened.  My husband is the only person I know that is up for that challenge.

Part of his understanding comes from the fact that he just started an anti-depressant a couple of months ago and when he first started it, the change in him was obvious but his body just didn’t know exactly how to handle it all.  And, so he had that adjustment period to go through.  He understands where I’m coming from.

And, if you don’t have a husband like that…I suggest you find one, one that will be there for you in all situations….all the time.

I’m trying to drum up enough people to live blog the show tomorrow night!  It is a 2 hour season premier for the first time ever.

Please email me or comment and let me know.  If I can get some interest generated, I’d love to do it!!!

Survivor - Gabon - The Last Eden - The Live Blog  at Mom~E~Centric

CONTEST:  Take the following five questions to your blog (if you don’t have one, simply answer in my comments section) and post the questions and answers by Friday night, September 26th at midnight.  Then, send me the link to your post showing me your questions and answers.

WINNER:   Everyone who participates, either on their blog (as long as you send me the link) or in the comments will be entered into Random.Org after Midnight on September 26th.

PRIZE:  The winner will choose from one of the following:

1.  a $20 Amazon.com gift certificate

OR

2.  a copy of The Case Against Homework by Sara Bennett and Nancy Kalish

OR

3.  a copy of The White Trash Mom’s Handbook by Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland.

Here are the following questions, remember that Survivor kicks off its 17th season tomorrow night with a 2 hour premier.  So, here goes…

How Well Do You Know Your Survivor Seasons and Players?

One of the big problems in many marriages comes about when the children arrive.  That doesn’t mean the children aren’t loved or welcome, it just means that having a baby is hard, and it puts a lot of pressure on your marriage.  Once children are born, there is high  percent of romantic relationships that get pushed to the back.  And, the wend of the romantic relationship comes the end of a marriage most often than not.

As you know, a newborn sleeps alot but the constant feedings and changing of clothes and diapers along with all the other household duties is tiresome.  Sleep deprivation can and will kick in quickly.  But, even then, the newborn doesn’t require the parent’s attention 24 hour a day.  I know I know, the women are looking at me thinking "woman did you really have babies because you are crazy".  Yes, I had babies and yes I let my marriage slip in the romantic department.  But, things are looking up, their age helps a lot. 

The most important thing to remember is that the children are not the reason why the relationship between the husband and wife suffers.  It is the marital partner who controls his/her time and in turn controls how much time they spend working on their marriage. 

So, go ahead, give it a try, see what you think?  And, then, let me know, ok?

Willard F. Harley, Jr. Ph.D. wrote an article entitled Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other.  Obviously you can go read the entire article on that link but I’ll summarize a few key points and save you from the excess reading.  Basically Dr. Harley says the one thing that we all know but are inclined to let slide when the going gets tough.  Children need their parents.  And, children need their parents to stay married to one another and to love each other.

How hard can that be?  If you don’t know, just look around at the divorce rate that runs between 22 and 32% for 2007.  So, many kids don’t even know what it is like for their parents to be married to each other.  I remember nothing about my parents living in the same house, they divorced when I was four.  And, most obviously if they don’t stay married it is probably because they don’t love one another and believe it or not, that affects our children. 

Couples have to remember that they didn’t marry to simply have kids and watch them grow up.  Men and Women marry so they can meet one another’s intimate emotional needs.  Unfortunately, when children are added to the equation, men and women alike end to put their spouse on the back burner. 

Dr. Harley gives 2 ingredients of a romantic relationship - being in love and meeting intimate emotional needs.  The two go together and you can separate them to fit your thoughts or feelings.  If either one of the factors suffers, the other will also suffer.  That means that no matter how hard you work to raise good moral children, remember that the state of your marriage is fragile and you children need to know that is is stable.

I couldn’t exactly come up with the right word for what our weekend could be described with so I just stuck with "stuff".  I wrote last week about how this weekend we unconsciously approaching it much differently than we ever have before.  For instance, on Friday night, I got my manicure and pedicure and that was 2 nights in a row that my  husband handled bedtime without me even being home.  That’s really unusual.  He usually handles the biggest part of bedtime stuff anyway, but the boys always lay on me quite a bit before giving in for bed.  And, I wasn’t around for that.

Then, Saturday morning I ventured out to Walmart with the two boys in tow.  Yes, something I haven’t done in so long that I don’t even recall the last time I did that.  They boys were absolute gems.  I mean, they acted 3 and 5 but you know, you have to do what you have to do.  Once home, the day basically was kind of normal.  Our five-year-old and husband messed around outside where my husband was building a new deck (and tearing down an old one) and my three-year-old and I took a nap.

Napped and I took the boys to a birthday part alone.  I don’t do that either.  If the party had been going to be inside someone’s house, I would never try it.  But, out in the open, where they could run and be loud, I figured I could handle it.  And I did.

Our weekend concluded when we sent the boys to church with my mom and we went for breakfast alone.  Wayne came home to work on the new porch/deck and I headed back into town for a haircut.  And, listen here, it is just doggone cute.

Again, very uncharacteristic of us but I went to my mom’s to stay for a while and then eat lunch.  Wayne kept working on the deck.  Once the boys were home it was a little more difficult because the boys want to play in all the junked up rotten wood.  Only one minor scrape and we were lucky.

Back inside, I did baths (I never do baths) while Wayne finished up outside unloading stuff and putting our front door back on, we painted it.  I put boys to bed (usually his job) and we close the night be watching something he likes on TV while I write. 

So, for a weekend that we didn’t plan out at all (which is unlike me too, I like plans), I think we did a pretty doggone good job of "different".  I guess sometimes diversity is a good thing! 

Normally my husband and I do almost everything together.  It has been a very rare occasion that we’ve gone separate ways when he is off work.  However, last night I was feeling overwhelmed with the 3 year old’s behavior as well the counselor pretty much let me know that he felt like part of the problem I was describing was I am over-bearing.

Over-bearing?  I won’t really argue with that.  But, as much as I am over-bearing, my husband is laid-back.  My style is sit back, tell the boys to stop doing something after they’ve become obnoxious and then really lower the boom.  I prefer to simply keep them on track as the events transpire. 

The counselor basically said that I had to back off and give him a chance to parent.  He said I had trained my husband to parent that way. 

Anyway, on Thursday night I sent him to Home Depot and home with the boys and I got my manicure and pedicure.  Alone, just me and my book.  Friday night he is at home depot actually buying the lumber he priced last night and I hit McDonald’s for the boys to play before getting them a haircut and heading home. 

Saturday the boys will either be cooped up inside the house with me while my husband dismantles the deck and rebuilds one (once it is down, we won’t be able to get out of the house without jumping six feet).  If my mom is better the kids will go spend a little time with her but mostly they will be in the house with me (and my parenting style), outside in the yard with my husband (and his parenting style and please don’t let them get hurt because of his negligence) or with my mom and her even more laid back style.

It is no wonder these children are confused about what is acceptable behavior.

I generally feel guilty when I indulge in myself.  By indulge I mean spend money on myself in a way that is not beneficial to my entire family.  I’m not sure why I feel this way, but my mom never took time for herself and rarely bought things for herself so I guess I took after her. 

The thing is, when we owned the daycare, I rarely felt like I needed to have "time" away, or that I needed "speciality care".  But, when I have my 3 year old with me all day and he and I just battle one another all day long, I have to have some time to myself.  And, I generally feel guilty for anything I do for myself. 

Today we went to therapy and we had to carry the boys with us due to sitter issues.  So, we had our two boys with us when we went to therapy where we talked about those little cherubs.  Disciple was a big topic during this session, more so than any of our others. 

Then, after a 3-year-old meltdown, we headed to dinner.  When dinner was almost over, my husband suggested that he would take one kid and go get lumber prices for our new deck if I would take the other.  I quickly said, "I was thinking you would take them both and I would go get a pedicure".  And, immediately the guilt set in.

I did go get my pedicure but I also checked with my husband several times because I felt like a bad person for leaving him to deal with both kids.  It isn’t that the boys are that difficult, but I did leave him to handle bedtime alone. 

I know I know, it didn’t hurt anything, but mommy guilt is serious business.

Discuss.

My marriage is very rarely on rocky terms.  I don’t say that with a cocky attitude nor do I take my marriage lightly.  I’ve been married three times prior, I know it can go south fast.  But, as I’ve mentioned to you lately, one of the biggest issues happens to be our children want to sleep in bed with us. 

We had been following a plan we set up with our counselor last time we say him which was, "Wayne would handle getting the boys to bed and forcing them to stay in their bed and I would not intervene."  Yes, I hate to hear them cry, I would give in and let them go to bed with me when they wanted to.  I mean, I can only take so much crying.

Finally, after posting all over the web on Friday about this issue and promising myself that I would take the advice of many of the comments, I realized that my point was, I wasn’t willing to listen to them cry again starting Sunday night.  (Friday and Saturday nights are camp out nights in the living room floor and they don’t usually cry those nights). 

I read the following comment to my husband on Sunday afternoon,

They are crying because they have a need that is not being met. When Sunniemom says that it’s manipulation, that seems to me to be a very unkind thing to assume about a child. Very unkind indeed. And it also completely misconstrues the intent. Yes, children have needs and cry in order to express their feelings. They hope that their needs will be met. Assuming they are manipulation is just a way to put *your* preferences first, and to create a needless power struggle between you and your child.

When ever I wonder if the way that I am treating my child is right, I imagine that it is my husband instead. If your husband was crying in another room at night, whether for being lonely or just wanted to be with you, would you *ignore* his cries? Would you insist on him sleeping alone regardless of his feelings? Is so, I would wonder about how long the marriage would last. Unfortunately, children cannot escape our cruelty.

If you are having trouble standing up to the counselor, why not familiarize yourself with a copy of some of Dr. Sears’ writings on The Family Bed, and maybe print out some information on the benefits of sharing sleep with your children? I think that once you give up the power struggle and let yourself relax into enjoying your children’s company (even at night), you will find yourself a lot happier.

BTW: most counselors of from the school of thought that children need “behavior modification” (e.g. they should be trained like dogs at a dog training school). You may have to look much farther to find someone who is more attachment-parenting oriented, and who is willing to respect your very legitimate intuitions when you sense your crying child is suffering.

 

He agreed that if they had tried to go to sleep and simply couldn’t and were crying hard enough that it seemed cruel BY MY STANDARDS, then he would back off and let me handle it.  Both boys fell asleep in their beds last night and tonight without a tear.  Without one tear!