Marital Talk

So, if you confide in a member of the opposite sex, does it turn into cheating?  I’ve always said that I thought this would be the most painful type of cheating.  So, if there is no sex, is it still an affair?

According to the Peggy Vaughan of DearPegg.com and author of The Monogamy Myth:  A Personal Handbook for dealing with Affairs who was quoted in Ladies Home Journal, Yes, it is an "emotional affair or "accidental affair".  She says, "Emotional affairs are most likely to affect the person who would never intend to cheat."

"According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands have had an extramarital sex.  Add emotional affairs and other non-physical intimacy, and the numbers go up by 20 percent." 

And, so, you ask yourself, what’s wrong with chatting it up with someone, a co-worker, that you have much in common with?  "No touching doesn’t always mean Harmless Flirting."  And, the experts really believe that it is very very wrong.

The basic idea is, there is deception.  So, that makes the risk seem harmless but when the guilty partner starts to rationalize that it’s okay, then the more hiding takes place.  The toxicity exists because of the secrecy.  The number one way to know you are having an emotional affair is if you are hiding it, then you probably are.

And, one reason it is exciting is…the secrecy, the illicitness of the relationship is what makes it exciting and tempting.  And, that’s exactly what makes it wrong.

So, are you crossing the line?  Answer the following questions from LHJ:

1. Do you touch him in "legal" ways, like picking lint off of his blazer? 
2. Do you tell him more details of your day than you do your partner.
3. Do you talk with him more about your relationship than you do with your partner.
4. Does your partner have no idea how much time you spend with this guy?
5. Do you pay attention to how you look before you see him.
6. Do you think crush-like thoughts like, "He’d love this song!".
7. Has one of you said, "I’m attracted to you but I would never act on it because I/you are attached?
8. Would you feel uncomfortable if your partner saw a videotape of the time you spend with this person?

How many times did you answer yes?

0-1:  friendship/harmless crush

2-4:  slippery slope/step back

5 or more:  911 Emotional Affair.

Is it time to fess up?  How?

1. Take responsibility.
2. Offer a sense of security.
3. Be patient.

So, it will be a painful process, just make sure you know what’s what and who is who and then make what’s right right.  Got that?

The scene:  in a restaurant where we were having dinner, the following conversation ensues….

"3.95 year old who is not potty trained" in other words, youngest kid says:  if mommy goes to jail it will be ok because we have Nanny"

Me:  hey, who said I was going to jail?

Youngest kid:  if I don’t buckle up my seatbelt you will go to jail

Me:  oh, yea, you are right about that

5.5 year old:  if you go to jail, I will be sad mommy

Me:  I know, mommy’s not going to jail baby

Husband:  I would be sad too

Me:  why?  I don’t do anything for you that anybody else can’t do

Husband:  True.  Except take care of the boys.

Lovely relationship we have, eh?

Ok, so Ladies Home Journal has this online quiz.  I’m going to take it but first, I’m going to tell you that my marriage is fairly healthy.  In the grand scheme of things, I’d give it a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. I asked my husband who happens to be home today with a sick day and he said "7 or 8".  See, I am delusional. 

I’m going to take the quiz first and I may try to get him involved.  You can go take it as well, here.

Question 1:  We failed miserably.  Actually it wasn’t a good question fitting our family and lifestyle.

Question 2:  Spot on- we agreed

Question 3:  Again, we don’t go out without one another, so this doesn’t fit, but we both chose the same answer in a hypothetical situation.

Question 4:  We agreed with the key in this question being, "you an afford it" because the times we’ve had marital problems with spending was when we could NOT afford extras.

Question 5:  I definitely fail at this one miserably.  I am a story teller and love to make people laugh and the stuff my husband is down right laughable - he’s even laughing now that his answer to this question was the direct opposite of mine, lol.

Question 6:  The female instinct in me kicked in and I became immediately jealous and his answer was ‘kiss you goodbye and not worry anymore’.

Question 7:  We both answered this one the same but I’m not telling you which one right now.

Question 8: We agreed on this one out right, without a second nod.

Question 9:  I am the bully and the stubborn heifer in this couple, we agreed on what my decision would have been but differed on his.

Question 10:  This doesn’t fit us really because simply by process of elimination, we both came to the same answer.

Notice, I didn’t spoil the questions for you, you can take the test without any pre-fabricated ideas of what the ‘right’ answer should be. 

~~~~~~~~~~~This part below is just extra~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo compliments of my new found love for my new camera. I will return to doing some professional work, just on a very low scale.  I did the engagement photos for this couple (she is my cousin) and this is no where near one of the best photos, but is just the epitome of respect in my opinion. 

If you want to see a favorite one, let me see…

I’ve never entertained the thought that a married couple might have had issues and one or both partners found a way to have and enjoy a double life, a second family if you will.  Then, today, while sitting in the doctor’s off, patiently waiting while it took an hour and a half for them to see the 2 people before me, I found something to read.  I thought I was just picking up any old magazine, little did I know, the enjoyment that would ensue.

There, right in front of me, in the August 2008 issues of Ladies Home Journal was an article written by Jeanne Marie Laskas entitled, "Sex, Lies and Double Lives".  The first thought on my over-worked brain was, "who has time for this?"  And, upon reading, I found that only men have time for this apparently.  I’ll quote Jeanne for a few good ones just to lure you in and then you can go read for yourself.

He did what? I think, as I learn of double lives, of the destructive stuff men do to satisfy apparently acute sexual urges. He rang up an $80,000 tab on a call girl? He arranged for threesomes with his driver? He flashed secret foot signals under a bathroom stall?

He, he, he. Where, I am starting to wonder, are all the shes?

Women don’t do double lives? I try to imagine having a secret second family across town. This notion puts me in immediate need of a nap. Like I need more softball practices to drive to, more piano lessons to arrange? I try to imagine paying $80,000 for a sex slave and wonder what the heck kind of sex that would buy me, but all too quickly I’m back to the dollar amount, calculating not how to get me one of those boy toys but rather: That could buy me how many pairs of shoes?

That should be enough to lure you in because this is  really awesome article.

I’m getting ready to write a post for a contest.  The contest involves how my husband is the best candidate for 2008 Man of the Year.  I plan to write this one and follow the twelve step rule.  The rule is one I got from an editor which basically says that after writing the post, re-read it.  If at any time a change is made, then it must be read again.  When the post has been read 12 times and no changes made, then it is ready to be published. 

So, I’m going to give this a whirl and I’m also going to have an editor take a look at it.  So, soon I will be telling you all the wonderful things I can come up with as to why my husband should win this award.

He really has been a great husband and I know he is destined to win.

In my house this week marital anything has been non-existent.  I mean we’ve done everything that we normally do with our eyes closed basically.  We’ve approached nothing new, we’ve just sit back, rested and relaxed.

We’ve handled the kids in a much more relaxed manner than every before and even with each other, we just go about our business and work together.

This is called having a great husband.  I know, just a few days ago I was telling you how horrible he is.  But, the fact of the matter is this, when I am sick, he takes over.  I think that maybe the change in weather, plus some sheet rock dust and a little saw dust has worked together to put my sinus’s in a horrible place.

But, as usual, my husband has stepped up to the plate, along with my mother I might add, and let me just be sick.  And, so, I am selfish like that and I’m expecting you guys to do much the same, just let me be sick…and when I’m well, I’ll be back here with more "stuff".

There are many talented writers out there writing everyday about topics just like the stuff I’ve tried to broach here.  But, if you haven’t met Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored, then you have no idea what you are missing. 

Either way, here’s a link to one of her latest goodies

AIN’T NO SUNSHINE WHEN HE’S GONE

Go read, come back, tell me what you learned.

I’m waiting!

Cross posted everywhere I can find to cross post it!

Mom~E~Centric needs a dishwasher

Mental and Emotional Health

Marital Talk

Mom is Teaching

TV Boyfriends

I think in the whole scheme of things, my husband and I do really well.  We are one of the couples that would be on the Amazing Race and bicker for one leg of the race and smooch the next.  If were on the show now, we would definitely be winning because my husband has such an eye for detail and all things mechanical that he could easily pull us ahead.

Finally, last night though, I was asked to write a post by the Parent Bloggers Network regarding what is well known in most households as "the man cave".  I was all over this one because I can so do this without thinking twice.  I’ll give you one photo, you’ll have to go read the post to get the rest.

1.  my scanner…which should be in my desk in my family room?

2.  an old monitor…from?

3.  Roboraptor which my kids received for Christmas 3 years ago and both are terrified of him

4.  a printer?

5.  a DVD/VCR player

6.  Look!  Another VCR player

7.  a bin full of…..papers, diploma’s and the like

8.  blinds taken down out of my family room while we are remodeling that should have been tossed in the garbage???

9.  bin full of Thomas the Train trains and track

10.  another bin of Thomas the Train trains and track

11.  a filing cabinet full of my daycare stuff

12.  bin full of VCR tapes and DVD’s

13.  bin full of daycare papers

14.  bin full of ????????/who knows

15.  clothes for good will that he was going to take ……….weeks ago

16.  more good will clothes

So, we made to our counseling session and when he asked, "so how’s it going?", my husband deferred to me for the answer.  And, so I told the counselor, "I got the kids to sleep in their bed all night not mr-I-will-beat-you-til-you-learn-to-sleep-in-your-bed-all-night-whether-you-want-to-or-not parent."

He got a good laugh out that as he seems to think I am against spanking.  I’ve yet to convince him I’m only against spanking when it isn’t necessary or I am only for spanking when it is necessary.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, our new goal, potty training our 3.95 year old son who hasn’t succumb to spankings, or bribing, or envy or…..anything for that matter.

His suggestion:  look up strong willed children and potty training.

My husband got a good laugh and said, "that won’t work because the first 5 or 6 links you get will be to her blogs".  Yea, that’s pretty funny.  No, it isn’t funny at all that my son who will be 4 next month refuses to use the potty.

So, that’s that.  In a nutshell. 

As you all know, we started counseling because my husband and I had some difficulties.  One of those was the fact that we had children who slept in our bed.  Here’s how the story worked:

Prior to the first child (which lasted from August of 2001 until January of 2003):

Then, from January 2003 until November 2004:

Then, from November 2004 til October 13, 2008

The last two nights:

So, today we go to counseling……..

Ok, well that little spell of flaming rudeness is over.  I’ve recovered and all is well on the home front.  That’s the most important part anyway, I do declare. 

That doesn’t mean that I don’t need my husband to step up and do his part with the emotional and mental responsibilities in our house.  I mean, it is no easy task just to keep up with the checkbook, never mind keeping up with what has to be paid and when.  And, so it goes, we will discuss this again in counseling. 

And, one other thing that I know has to be addressed is the manner in which he gets so disgusted and agitated with the kids.  However, the other night when I was experiencing a serious emotional havoc, he took over as always.  He makes it easy for me to just be emotionally unstable. 

And, I was in no way nice to him about it.  I kept asking him to please be nicer to the boys, please just talk a little nicer to them, all the while, I was being a complete pain to him.

So, Thursday will come, we will go to counseling and we will talk about it.  Then, after that, who knows?

I know that I have changed the blog format some and as of late I’ve spent a lot of time raging about my own’s public school experience.  But, I am trying to get back to the basics here which is "educating our children by whatever means necessary".

I want the blog to reflect all degree’s of teachers as well as learners.  So, with that, go vote for

Best Education Blog.

Ok, I want him to take some mental responsibility here.  I want him to take some of the grief out of my brain and carry it around in his brain for a little while.  Over 3 months ago I informed him that he was in charge of finances.  I’ve done this many times and he always gets out of it some how.

This time, he kept saying, "let’s do it together" and I said, "no because his way of us doing it together is me doing it all".  He promised to help and blah blah blah. 

Since that time, I have continued to carry the financial burden in my brain while I try not to say anything to him and force him to be responsible for it.  It hasn’t happened yet. 

Today, I lost it on him.  I explain to him that the main reason we went to counseling was his inability to take responsibility for "stuff".  (Never mind that I took this as an opportunity to remind him that I asked him 3 weeks ago to move the garbage cans -long story, but it was 3 weeks ago?)

Then, he is short and snippity with our kids, then gets mad when they are smart-mouthing him.  I call it teaching him the skills you want him to use, my husband calls it, "I’m the adult, he is the kid."

I’m trying not to paint a terrible picture of him because he is not, you know that from your previous readings, but this issue, these two issues, one of lack of taking responsibility and the other with the manner in which he talks to the kids….these 2 issues are really bothering me.

If you remember, my husband had dental work done last Thursday.  That means that last Thursday at this time was the beginning of a weekend long of taking care of my husband.  He really doesn’t handle pain well. 

I don’t know that any of us handle pain well, but for him, that wee bit of dental work 3 fillings and 2 pulled teeth was way over his threshold of tolerance.  For me, that’s a let-me-sleep-it-off one day thing.  But, that’s him and not me.

He was forced to repay the care taking yesterday as I got out of bed on Tuesday with a horrendous sinus infection.  I wouldn’t go to the doctor though because I had a regular appointment on Wednesday..I would just tough it out.

What that eventually meant was a crawled to the doctor yesterday, got a shot and came home to hide beneath the covers in my dark cool bedroom.  My mom took care of the boys until Wayne arrived home and then he had them all to himself for dinner and bath.  Luckily  we don’t have homework for the kid on Wednesday nights.

Anyway, he did a wonderful job of handling the house, as usual.  I do find my tolerance level is not too great today and one side of my face is still puffy but, hey, I have good kids, a great husband and…look, I have all of you guys too!