Marital Talk

I posted a few days ago how my husband and I got into an argument started mostly by his tone of voice. If you have a spouse that starts a conversation rudely or loudly, maybe these three tips can help you out. I have tried all of them at one time or another;sometimes it is a success and somtimes it isn’t. Sometimes I get an apology right away, and other times we still argue but he apologizes later.

1. Watch Your Tone
Your tone is as important as your spouse’s. Tones can range from happy, sad, angry, irritated, furious, or mocking. It is usually the tones that imply that we are irritated, angry, or mocking our spouse that start arguments. It is easy to lose your cool when you are being yelled at, or spoken to disrespectfully, but if you try to maintain a calm tone you are more likely to induce conversation rather than arguing. This works for me half of the time. If I keep a calm tone, I find that we have a better chance of discussing the problem rather than yelling at each other.

2.Point Out The Behavior
This tip can be tricky. You don’t want your spouse to feel as if you are reprimanding them or treating them like a child. The best way to do this is to ask them why they’re yelling, being disrespectful, mocking etc… Many times you may find that they have no good reason and may not even understand why they are doing it. This signals that it has become such a part of their personality that it is just normal for them to speak to you like that. If they justify their behavior with a viable reason, you may need to step back and see if they are justified in their behavior. After our argument the other night I realized that my husband did have a right to be upset. I would have been too if he had spent as much as I did. I didn’t feel he was justified in yelling at me without so much as a discussion beforehand, but I did see how the situation could make him fly off the handle. That’s where step 3 comes in.

3.Discuss it After You Cool Down
The next day I told him I understood where he was coming from, but that he should have approached me with more respect. He agreed and apologized, and I made him promise to never let me go to the grocery store twice in the same day. He agreed to that too. But there are times where your spouse will feel that they are right and no manner of talking to them will get you an apology or understanding. This has happened to us on more than one occasion, but the more we talk about our feelings the less this happens. For the times when he or I feel we’re in the right we usually just let time heal the anger. There may be no apologies given and we may still feel that we’re right no matter what, but after some time we give up on being angry and move on. Don’t waste energy being mad at your spouse when you can spend energy loving on them.

If you would like more tips on this topic click on the link below.
Marriage and communication: Tips for talking - Equality in Marriage Institute

marriage, marriage problems, yelling, marriage tips