Marital Talk

Because I’m about to be a newlywed, and want to relish in the wedded bliss for as long as possible, I’ve set a goal to have a date-night once a month to “keep the romance alive”. Or whatever.

So I’m trying to collect great (and cheap!) ideas for some unique date nights (or days).

This is what I’ve come up with so far – I’d love some comments to help me come up with other ideas.

Dinner and a movie – yes, it’s classic, timeless, and probably pretty boring. But we do this at home, with take-out pizza and a good (or terrible, depending on Netflix) action flick to keep us entertained. We’re actually doing this a few days after our wedding, and I’m considering it our first official married persons date.

Morning at the farmer’s market – okay, so not technically a date “night”, but I’m pretty excited to bust this one out once the Farmer’s Market hits it’s stride. We’ll be able to pick up some locally-grown foods, and enjoy the people watching and the sunshine. All that’s missing is a dog on a leash and some cutesy kissing.

College game day – we’ve got a pretty popular college football team within an hour’s drive of us, and we try to get to a game at least once a year. This fall, I’m definitely going to count it as a date, as we go just the two of us and have such a great, coupley time whenever we’re there.

Ice skating – once the weather gets cold, I want to go rent some skates and hit up one of our city park’s skating rinks. I haven’t been on skates in YEARS, and I think it would be a great way to get some good quality (butt) time in!

And that’s where my creativity runs dry. What are some other great date night suggestions?!

Yesterday, I asked for some of your ideas and traditions for Valentine’s Day. Today I’m going to share with you some thoughts for little, inexpensive touches that can make this year’s V-Day a little more special.

Spend some time with friends. We’re blessed to have two other couples that we are extremely close to. we celebrate birthdays and most holidays with them, and they are definitely our extended family in a lot of ways. While both couples will most likely have dinner plans of their own, we’re considering offering up a group drinks excursion later in the evening.

Wake up to a loving sight. Cut out some paper hearts and string them with fishing line over the bed, so when your spouse wakes up there’s love all over the room! If you can’t do this without waking them up, string them all over the bathroom and let them go first!

… through the stomach! Bake some cookies, but use themed cookie cutters to make hearts, lips, bows and arrows and more! Add sprinkles and red frosting for an even more festive touch!

Make your spouse breakfast in bed! Take the top off of a tv tray and bring up some coffee, bagels, muffins or even cinnamon rolls. If you can splurge on some bed trays, all the better!

Go for a walk. Even if it’s snowy and cold in your neck of the woods (it sure is in mine!), taking 30 minutes to bundle up and go for a walk around the neighborhood, hand in hand, is never a bad idea. It’ll automatically slow down your day and give you a chance to re-connect.

Give the gift of time. If you’ve got kids, and you know your spouse has been craving some alone time, taking the kids to the zoo, children’s museum, or skating for a few hours to give your spouse that alone time would be a tremendous gift!

What are some other great ways you celebrate V-Day inexpensively?

This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, which is great for people who want to plan a romantic evening without the stress of having to head into work early the next day. But for us, with a wedding coming up just a few weeks after Valentine’s Day, a romantic (read: expensive) date night seems out of the question. So we’re already discussing plans for the day.3

In years past, The Monkey and I have kept our V-Day plans rather simple, with some pizza ordered from our favorite joint, a movie played on the PS3 (usually action, because I love me a good chase scene), and some cuddle time with the cats, who always know just when to sneak up on the couch and form a huge loving family cuddle-pile. And while this is a great way to spend any evening, really, I’d like to do something a little more special for our last V-Day before we’re married.

This year that is definitely still an option, but I’m wondering if there are other things we can do to spice up the day and evening a little bit more. What with having an entire day and night to celebrate! We’ve got some ideas, most of which are on the cheap, but I wanted to pose the question to you all, dear readers. What are you doing for Valentine’s Day this year? Are you celebrating in a traditional way, with dinner, flowers, candy and such? Will you be staying in and enjoying the day with family?

Head to Watching Showtime to see how newlyweds Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter are enjoying their first few weeks of marriage!em>

It’s definitely no secret that marriage is hard.  As they say, anything worth having is worth working for and marriage is As they say, anything worth having is worth working for and marriage is definitely hard and definitely worth working to have.

So, are you interested in marriage saving tips?  Most people need to feel that there partner is really there for them.  According to many experts, empathy is the key to a stronger, happier relationship.  So, here’s a few tips I found in Ladies Home Journal.

Empathy Don’ts

• Don’t stonewall or ignore what your partner is saying
• Don’t minimize a spouse’s concerns
• Don’t rush to fix the problem.  Many people mistakenly believe that downplaying worries or offering advice is helpful. 

Empathy Do’s

• Do pay attention by setting aside your newspaper or turning off your TV when your partner is talking. 
• Do validate the feelings of your partner.
• Do ask questions with genuine interest and make sure you know what your partner has said.
• Do respond with affection, understanding, and support.
• Do show support and by all means, take your spouse’s side

So, are you interested in marriage saving tips?  Most people need to feel that there partner is really there for them.  According to many experts, empathy is the key to a stronger, happier relationship.  So, here’s a few tips I found in Ladies Home Journal.

Empathy Don’ts

• Don’t stonewall or ignore what your partner is saying
• Don’t minimize a spouse’s concerns
• Don’t rush to fix the problem.  Many people mistakenly believe that downplaying worries or offering advice is helpful. 

Empathy Do’s

• Do pay attention by setting aside your newspaper or turning off your TV when your partner is talking. 
• Do validate the feelings of your partner.
• Do ask questions with genuine interest and make sure you know what your partner has said.
• Do respond with affection, understanding, and support.
• Do show support and by all means, take your spouse’s side

• This of course is just hitting the highlights. It should be a little piece of the puzzle and if you work hard and you listen to your elders, you are bound to find some good information out there. The best piece of advice I ever received was "if it matters, then do something about it". That was in reference to say your spouse leaving their socks in the family room every night. Yes, he should pick them up, but if they don’t bother him, then so be it, if it bothers you, then you pick them up.

definitely hard and definitely worth working to have.

Ok, so Ladies Home Journal has this online quiz.  I’m going to take it but first, I’m going to tell you that my marriage is fairly healthy.  In the grand scheme of things, I’d give it a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. I asked my husband who happens to be home today with a sick day and he said "7 or 8".  See, I am delusional. 

I’m going to take the quiz first and I may try to get him involved.  You can go take it as well, here.

Question 1:  We failed miserably.  Actually it wasn’t a good question fitting our family and lifestyle.

Question 2:  Spot on- we agreed

Question 3:  Again, we don’t go out without one another, so this doesn’t fit, but we both chose the same answer in a hypothetical situation.

Question 4:  We agreed with the key in this question being, "you an afford it" because the times we’ve had marital problems with spending was when we could NOT afford extras.

Question 5:  I definitely fail at this one miserably.  I am a story teller and love to make people laugh and the stuff my husband is down right laughable - he’s even laughing now that his answer to this question was the direct opposite of mine, lol.

Question 6:  The female instinct in me kicked in and I became immediately jealous and his answer was ‘kiss you goodbye and not worry anymore’.

Question 7:  We both answered this one the same but I’m not telling you which one right now.

Question 8: We agreed on this one out right, without a second nod.

Question 9:  I am the bully and the stubborn heifer in this couple, we agreed on what my decision would have been but differed on his.

Question 10:  This doesn’t fit us really because simply by process of elimination, we both came to the same answer.

Notice, I didn’t spoil the questions for you, you can take the test without any pre-fabricated ideas of what the ‘right’ answer should be. 

~~~~~~~~~~~This part below is just extra~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo compliments of my new found love for my new camera. I will return to doing some professional work, just on a very low scale.  I did the engagement photos for this couple (she is my cousin) and this is no where near one of the best photos, but is just the epitome of respect in my opinion. 

If you want to see a favorite one, let me see…

I am one of the few people who can honestly say that an onslaught of stress doesn’t effect me at the time it is occurring.  Death’s in the family, accidents by family members, children going extreme on their behavior or simply time crunches just don’t bother me.  Right then.  I don’t mind running from one activity to another.  Although, as I’ve aged, I like it less and less because I’ve found I love a good afternoon nap.  Basically what happens is I do just fine in the moment, then in a few weeks, usually 10 days or so, I have a break down.  I hit bottom and have to work my way back out of the funk.

My husband is directly the opposite.  He likes running from one activity to another, as long as they are his kind of activities and the kids aren’t acting up.  But, for the most part, the kind of dodging of bullets that we do with our time, he gets irritated.  He prefers to just quit doing any of it and not bother with even trying.  Now, that, that I can’t handle even in the moment.  I need someone to carry 50% of load or none of it.  Just helping 75% doesn’t do me any good because I don’t know when the help is coming.

When we owned the daycare, we didn’t necessarily argue but we jabbed at one another the whole weekend.  We would go about daycare work and just border on being rude to one another.  Stress will make you say and do things you wouldn’t necessarily do otherwise.

Well, I told you all that to say, this past weekend was wonderful.  We just gelled as a couple.  Lazy Friday night with take-out, he laid around all morning Saturday, I slept 9:30 or so and then ran some errands.  He put the boys down for a nap and then napped himself.  When I arrived home, the boys were awake and he happily took back the child care duties and allowed me a nap.  Then, we hit the local fair, you can read more about that here.    Then, Sunday, I slept til 11, he got the boys dressed for church and then snoozed himself.  We had lunch together with no children and then home for another nap.  The boys returned home from a day with the Nanny and the rest of the night just smoothly sailed right into bedtime.  The two of us then sat on the sofa, surfed and watched TV.

Now, weekends like this, we have a little more difficulty in making decisions on what to do and when to do it, having too much time on your hands is just not something we are accustom to.  But, really, there was no rude remarks or jabs at one another for something silly. 

It was nice to have a stress free weekend with my husband, my kids and just breeze through, only doing what we wanted to do.  Yes, my grass is 3 feet tall but it was raining yesterday so, what can you do?  Yes, my laundry is piled a mile high but I can do that today while I work.  So, what does that leave?  It leaves everyone refreshed and ready for a new week. 

I sure hope this becomes a routine because I sure to like just being calm, doing simple things and letting life happen around us. 

And you?  What happened over your weekend?  Relax?  Work?  Your Spouse?  Children?

Having my children sleep in my bed does not bother me.  I’ve mentioned that before.  My husband however doesn’t like it, he not feels that it keeps the two of us apart, he says he doesn’t sleep well when the two of them crash our bed around midnight.  The truth is, I don’t know what part of it bothers him the most because 9 times out of 10 he never even wakes up when they do get in our bed.

When my kids were babies, he would volunteer to get up with them for feedings.  But, I would have to wake him up or he wouldn’t even hear the baby crying.  So, I find it really hard to understand how he can be bothered by them now.  But, the fact of the matter is, he says it does.

Tonight, was particularly hard.  We have only been back from a week long vacation at the beach where the boys slept in another room, in a bed together and some nights they didn’t even come get in bed with us.  Last night Walker remembered it was "camp out night" (Friday and Saturday nights are camp out nights, they just didn’t realize Friday night that it was Friday night because of the schedule for the week being so messed up), and I offered to let him spend the night with my mom and he chose camp out night instead.

He finally fell asleep shortly before I was ready for bed.  Jace fell asleep on the sofa, Walker in the camp out area and my husband and I went to bed.  When we got in bed, we both promptly fell asleep on our respective sides of the bed. 

So, how is it that it can bother him so bad if one or both of the boys come to our bed?  He brags about sleeping near a runway for several weeks during Desert Storm.  He also brags about working swing shift and learning to "sleep when you had a chance."  But now, now for some reason he is constantly complaining about these two beautiful babies sleeping in the Marital Bed.  How can that be?

Anyone?

Share this post :

When I started my post yesterday, I had intentions of showing you the following email.  Then, as usual, I got off track and managed to end up telling you about holidays and gifts.  So, today, I’m going to show you the email and then tell you a little more to help the email to make sense.  The email was written to a friend who knows more about me than you do so I suspect some of it may need further explaining. 

Anyway, here goes: (bits and pieces in red bold is what I’ve added to help explain the history)

My mom and I went to a bridal shower of a cousins.  At the shower they went around the room and asked each person to give the bride-to-be a piece of advice.  When it came to my turn (which was right before my mother’s - who has been married 5 times, 3 times to same man), I said, "Listen, between my mom and I we’ve been married 9 times, listen to me, do not ever start a habit with your husband-to-be that you don’t intend on doing forever.  For instance, if you don’t mind doing his laundry for the rest of  his life, then fine, do it.  But, if you have any inclination that you don’t want to be his maid, then only do it every now and again for the first year.  That way, you don’t end up doing it forever.  I can promise you that when I get home, I can ask Wayne what he thought my advice for you would be and he will say the same thing, ‘don’t start something you don’t intend to finish or do forever’" (yes, my mom married the same man 3 times and yes, this is my fourth marriage)

Everyone got a hearty laugh except my mom who insisted she had not been married 5 times. 
When I got home, I told Wayne the scenario, I said "what do you think I told her"  and he said, "don’t start anything yo don’t want to do forever".  I almost rolled laughing.  He and I are very very different.  We have nothing in common in so many ways.  He doesn’t even know how to throw a ball.  (I played college athletics and have a degree in physical education.) He throws with his right hand and steps with his right foot at the same time.  I cringe every time I see him do it.  And, he prefers race cars and junk to sports, but he is learning.  You should have heard him at Walker’s T-ball games, yelling like he knew what was going on, I laughed at him.  He really is clueless about it. 

He is an awesome man though and I didn’t know 2 people could live in the same house and get along as well as we do. (My first marriage there was no arguing, mostly  me bossing him and him doing as I said.  Trust me that’s no fun for anyone although it sounds pretty good.  My second marriage my opinion greeted me with a whack to the head.  Again, not much fun.  And finally, my third marriage was just a disaster from the words "I Do"). I mean, mom certainly never had the model marriage and well…who knows about my dad.  (My dad was married before he was married to my mom for a very short period of time and he never mentioned it to me.  There were no children from the marriage and it was just left un-discussed.  But, he didn’t marry again after my mom.)

But, we’ve been together 7 years last month and we have never had an argument that resulted in raised voices.  We discuss a lot, he listens a lot, and really the only problem we have is the way he treats the boys.  He was raised by his grandparents and still believes that the kids should be seen and not heard.  And, of course, I waited a long time for those 2 boys and I am a mother hen.  So, I am just as wrong about it as he is, but I’m not telling him that. 

He really is wonderful.  Although, he is a slob and my OCD doesn’t cope well with it most of the time, but it doesn’t result in arguments, just regular day to day stuff. 

Susie (not her real name, the woman who directed my first wedding that had also been my babysitter) told me this somewhere after marriage one but before marriage 4, "if it bothers you, do something about it, if not, let it be.  for instance, if his socks are in the living room and it bothers you, then pick them up, if it doesn’t bother him, don’t nag at him to do it, just do what matters most to you and let him do the same" 

It was like someone had hit me in the head.  I still complain some about him leaving the socks in the living room sometimes but mostly just because it seems like the thing to do.  The boys both seem to have my organized genes with the exception of Jace having just a tad of not caring about organization. 

Walker on the other hand, he has OCD bad and with numbers just like me.  Remember how I used to memorize people’s licenses plates?  Well, Walker watched the Olympics and he knew which lane was the USA swimming (Michael Phelps usually) and the next time he swam, he wanted to know why he wasn’t in same lane.   He knows his multiplication facts through 3.  However, if you ask him what 3 times 4 is, he will tell you 12.  If you ask him what 4 times 3 is, he says, "you know I don’t know my 4’s yet."  (That part was really just FYI, it has nothing to do with this post or email, I just talk too much sometimes or at least it seems that way.)

He (Walker, our five year old)  really is going to be way smarter than me and maybe even his dad.   Wayne has a tested and certified IQ of 170.  Yea, sickening.  He could make Carol (not her real name but a girl who never made a B.  She graduated high school with a 98 average overall in every class for the four years.  She graduated from Auburn with straight A’s.  Made it to medical school and still, nothing less than practically perfect) look like she needed to be in a learning disabled class. 

He (my husband Wayne) was the electrical engineer on a project in Florida when we lived there…..6 years ago.  They still call him to ask questions about the electrical stuff AND the sad part is, he can help them fix crap still, after 6 years.  He can tell them which box has what wires and what number wires and where they go to the next box.  Crazy stuff, but the man has no clue when garbage day is or when holidays are. 

Ask him when Memorial Day is and when Labor Day is, he doesn’t know.  Thanksgiving he can manage, Christmas he can manage, but other than that, no Presidents Day  memory, Easter, birthdays, anniversary’s, etc.  Oh and he does know Halloween.  But, man he is too smart for his own good.  Walker will be much like that.

But, anyway, why I got off on that instead of telling the story at the beginning instead of shutting  my trap I don’t know.  But, I’m sure that it somewhat explains why my 5 year old was getting in trouble EVERY DAY  for the first week of school and she finally moved him to a seat in the back of the room, alone, facing the wall and not his classmates. 

That kid is a walking narrator of the day.  I’m posting about that soon, I’ll let you know so you can read it, it is painful.

So, now, back to where I started, which is, the most wonderful husband in the world and I still disagree, but even he knew my philosophy about how our every day lives are conducted as well as how together we just simply get things done.  I do what matters to me, he does what matters to him  and that’s that.  That doesn’t mean that we never disagree, it just means that we are good together and negotiating is easy. 

Getting the tattoos for my birthday (one for him, one for me) was my idea.  When I approached him with the idea though, he told me that he had already thought of it.  I don’t buy into the whole soul mate thing, but I do buy into love and that’s what matters in the end.  Love and understand together make for a happy marriage.  One simply can’t exist without the other.

So, I wonder, if I could get at least one person to read and comment on some of my posts I would definitely try to stray in other directions.  So, feel free to email me and give me some topics that interest you, answer some of the questions on my previous emails.  Just let me hear from you so I have something to work from.  I am dying for some communication here.

I’m taking the lazy way out on this one.  I talk to an old friend earlier tonight through text messages while getting my birthday present.  What did I get?  I got a tattoo.  No, I am not kidding.  Yes, I most certainly did get a tattoo.  We rarely celebrate adult birthdays in our family.  The kids?  Oh yea, they get a great party with lots of presents.  But, I can’t remember the last time my husband and I bought and exchanged presents for our birthdays, anniversary’s or even mothers and fathers day.  So, since my birthday fell during the week or our vacation, I suggested we do something that we’ve both talked about at some point and time and call it this years birthday/anniversary/mother’s-father’s day gifts.  What was it that I wanted so terribly bad?  A tattoo.  Yea, I’m not kidding. 

Here’s mine, it is on my shoulder so that I can still wear some of my sleeveless outfits that I consider to be "dress up" without anyone actually seeing the tattoo (sometimes you know, you just need to be really somber and my tattoo is nothing near somber) but in just regular everyday sleeveless clothes, it will peek out and people should be able to see it.  And, if they don’t, I don’t care, I got it for me, not the world anyway. 

Here’s a picture of my little gem…..

My husband is gone now to get his.  He is getting an American Bald Eagle with red, white and blue stripes on it.  Since we are on vacation, we had to take turns going to the parlor because we didn’t want to take the kids along.  I’m not sure when he will return, his should take longer than mine since it costs substantially more and looked quite more detailed.  Money wasn’t really the issue, we picked out what we wanted and that was the end of that.

When I started writing this, I had planned to tell you something entirely different, but I’ll save that for another day. 

So, what do you think? 

Would you and your spouse do something like this? 

Does your family have a big celebration for the adults like they do for the kids?

Do you and your spouse make a big deal out of your anniversary and mother’s and father’s day?

Tell me what how you celebrate as a couple. 

I’ve given you all a little background about me, now surely some of you can tell me something about your and your spouse.  You don’t have to get nitty gritty and give me all the details, just the general information.  So, I’ve basically made my own little questionnaire.  Please take a few minutes and fill it out so I can get some ideas what you guys are interested in discussing.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want, I certainly don’t mind and it really may let the conversation be more open if you choose to go the anon way. 

So, without further ado, I give you 5 quick questions:

1.  Where did you and your spouse meet?

2.  Have either of you been married before?

3.  If so, do you or your spouse have children from a previous marriage/relationship?

4.  When you first married/together, was sex the biggest past time you could find?

5.  If so, have you moved on to different past times or are you still regally adored and adoring to your spouse?

Share this post :

Today was our session with our counselor.  I think all three of us really don’t know how to act because my husband and I really don’t have any issues to sort through.  There are some but not that I’m comfortable revealing to the counselor just yet.  But, when we met him the first time, I was the one doing all the talking.

I told the counselor how I felt about the way Wayne treated the boys, how he was grumpy and hateful, etc.  But, at the same time, he had just started taking an anti-depressant and he was already starting to get better.  So, before we closed, I simply said, "Here I’ve done all this badgering of my husband and he hasn’t said one negative thing about me.  Does that mean I’m doing everything right and I’m perfect?"

We all got a good laugh out of that.  So, Wayne looked at me and said, "you know the only problem I have."  I looked at the counselor and told him that that Wayne didn’t like it because our children slept in our bed.  The counselor laughed and asked Wayne if that was the issue.  Wayne confirmed it and we all got a good laugh about how I was doing the talking for both of us. 

Anyway, today, after a little jabbering about the fact that things were relatively good at our house, he asked if we were serious about getting the children out of our bed.  Wayne didn’t answer.  I let him know that it doesn’t bother me that they are there and that Wayne was the one who doesn’t like it.

He offered up a bit of research which is difficult to explain but I’m going to try.  Basically it goes like this (I thought I would eventually find it on-line but I couldn’t):

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and each time they pecked it, they got a piece of corn.  So, obviously they learned, peck once and corn comes out.

Group 2 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they had to peck the lever 5 times to get corn.  So, they would peck peck peck peck peck, get corn, peck peck ..you understand I know.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they got corn at random pecks.  One peck, corn, 5 pecks, corn, 20 pecks, corn, 8 pecks, corn.

Then, they took all the corn away.

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group peck, no corn, peck, no corn, peck, no corn - and they finally gave up.

Group 2 of Chickens

This group would peck peck peck peck peck,no corn, lather, rinse and repeat.  This group finally gave up.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group never gave up, they just kept pecking because they thought that at some point they would eventually get a piece of corn.

He related that to our children.  He says that they have figured out that there is a limit where we just say, "I give up, it is simpler to just let them go into our bed than to keep fighting us."

As we speak, we are doing the bedtime battle, however we both agreed that it is a mute point until we get back from vacation.

His suggestion of course, as I already knew, was to hold our ground.  No going to our bed, they had to go to bed in their bed, period.  No matter how many times they come and ask us before we go to bed, the answer has to be no.  Wayne can do it, or so he says he can.  I can’t.  I hate it.  I don’t like for them to cry.

I told the counselor how I am an only child and I was always alone and I hated it.  All I can think about is how horrible it felt and when the kids want to come to bed with us, I feel it is because they are feeling that way.

His answer, of course, was "don’t project yourself onto your children".

Finally, it came down to the fact that if they come to our bed during the middle of the night, we simply took them back to their room.  I agreed that this was a simple plan.  We’ve done it before.  However, as I told him, that always falls on me. 

When it was one and we were breaking him, I would get up 7 or 8 times a night and take him back.  Wayne never had to do this, he never even stirred.  The man could sleep through a volcano. 

The counselor agreed that this was ridiculous and how did I get any rest.  I explained that I didn’t, sleep deprivation is ugly and on me it is really ugly.  So, again I made the suggestion that even though it doesn’t bother me that the kids are in our bed, I know it bothers Wayne and I’m willing to toughen up and let him handle them prior to us going to bed.  I followed that up with the fact that when the boys come into our room after we are asleep, I felt like it would only be fair that he get up at least half the time.

The counselor agreed that it was fair.  Wayne on the other hand admitted that he would never wake up.  So, I say, "it just doesn’t work out because he wants it but I am the one who wakes up every time, even if it is to wake him up and tell him that it is his turn to take the kid back to bed."

The counselor agreed again that this sounded off.  We left this session with the counselor stating that if we really wanted the children out of our bed, he would help us.  But, of course, he made it clear, WE have to WANT it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The counselor said that when this happened with his children, he would finally get to a point where he would sit his children down before bed and tell them "Listen, Dad is not getting any sleep, if you come to our bed tonight, I’m going to spank you."

I obviously made an odd face because he said that he did indeed get his little paddle out and spank one of his kids at 2 AM.  But, that this child quit coming to their bed. 

I am not going to spank my children for coming to our bed, even if it is 99 times.  I will however try to find a way of rewarding them for staying in their bed. 

So, I am curious what you guys do about "children in the marital bed".

Share this post

Yes, I live over the top most of the time.  One of the top vote getters in the Poll entitled Strong Points of Your Marriage was Leisure Activities.  I must say that sounds fairly obvious to most people, or at least to the two or three I’ve spoken with.  But the fact is, sometimes, the very fact that there is time to be burned and that time is suppose to be spent doing something enjoyable is enough to cause conflict. 

For Wayne and I, it depends on the details of our leisure time.  It depends on if the leisure time is simply time off work, like the weekends, or a real vacation where you get in a car or plane and go sleep in a strange bed.  Let me explain.

If it is a regular work week, and there’s a holiday thrown in that gives a three-day weekend or even if a weekend comes a long that we have no plans at all, we differ completely on what "leisure activities" means. 

In that situation, leisure activities means sleep.  It means that I do not have to do the dishes until I want to, I do not have to vacuum or do laundry until I want to and I can take a nap anytime I please.  And, if that nap happens to last….oh 4 or 5 hours, that’s ok because it is my leisure activity for the time period in question.

This drives Wayne crazy.  He hates it when I sleep.  If I had my choice (and I did pre-marriage and children), I would sleep from Friday night until late Saturday afternoon, rise for a few hours and go back to bed sleeping until about mid-day on Sunday.  I would do my chores and then head back to bed in preparation for the work week.  That…that is the ultimate leisure activity for me.

For Wayne, a leisure activity means so many other things.  It means pulling out the lawn mower and working on it, pulling out the four-wheeler and working on it, waxing and buffing his car, getting dressed up nice and going somewhere nice to eat, having a few drinks and then returning home for …..well, you know for what.

I guess you can see the conflict there, eh?

Here’s what Duane W. Crawford at Texas Tech University and Ted L. Houston at the University of Texas at Austin had to say on the matter.

Obviously they did a study and:

Results indicated that

(a) new parents and childless couples do not differ in the amount of time they spend in leisure activities both spouses like,

(b) parenthood reduces the amount of time new fathers engage in leisure activities independently, (my husband would shout Amen to this one to the rooftops)

(c) parenthood increases the amount of time couples pursue activities together that are liked by the wife but not the husband, and (wow, he disagreed with this one)

(d) parenthood reduces the amount of time wives pursue leisure activities they dislike but their husbands like. (this one confuses me a little bit)

The results show that parenthood restricts husbands’ independent leisure pursuits and increases the extent to which spouses’ leisure activities reflect the preferences of wives rather than husbands.

I have to say that I don’t agree with the last one as much as I do the others.  Naturally I linked to it and you can go read it all for yourself and see what you think and where you and your spouse fall into the whole "leisure activities" subject.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how the Leisure Activity takes on a totally different meaning when we have the opportunity to go on vacation.

Share this post :

I received a comment that some of my ideas for couple time weren’t practical for a couple with a toddler. When I think of toddlers, I think of the way mine craves solitary time and doesn’t mind playing in her room by herself. I forget sometimes that some toddlers are non-stop bundles of energy. So I gave it some thought and here is what I came up with for couple time with a toddler around. Keep in mind this isn’t one on one time, but more like quality time with your toddler included. With the right frame of mind, and a high dose of caffeine to keep you awake, you can manage to get some unwinding, let’s talk about our grown-up lives time out of these ideas. If you have any more ideas please leave them in the comments section and I’ll add them to the post.

Take a walk- this allows you to throw your toddler in their stroller, grab your spouse’s hand, and talk their ear off. If you can muster up enough energy to do this right before your child’s bedtime, you may get lucky and they fall asleep and stay that way for the night. Then you have another opportunity to take advantage of couple time. If you’re to the point of exhaustion and want to sleep when your toddler does, well, there isn’t much I can do to help you with that. (more…)