Marital Talk

I saw a cute sign on someone else’s blog and at the time, I just knew I would remember where I saw it so I didn’t record it with the saved sign.  But, as it is, now I can’t remember.  So, if you recognize this as a sign from your blog or if you know whose blog it did come from, please let me know so I can send credit where credit is due. 

The reason I was so intrigued by the sign is because is sums up many things I have to say without me having to say a world.  Here’s what that sign looked like…

Well, I sent that photo to a few friends in email and my friend who is a Pharm D and has her MBA, obviously knows a bit about medication and business too, sent me an email back requesting the following sign….so here you go Krystal…

I’m sorry, but some of these are just too good to pass up….what did you think?

So, I’ve been married 4 times.  I’ve made no bones about the fact that I definitely know how to do marriage the wrong way.  The question is, do I know how to do it the right way even?  It could be that I’ve just ran into a man whose easier to get along with, or maybe not.  It could be I finally met someone who loves me and I love equally. 

I can’t say that I was ready for marriage when I got married the first time but I did it and I had a huge wedding.  One of my bridesmaids tried to convince me not to, apparently she saw something that I didn’t.  After that, I basically didn’t have any friends at all, not just friends that would say, "hey, don’t marry this second time because you are making mistake".  I truly didn’t have any friends, period. 

And, you know that no one ever listens to their family because what do the know, right?  So, I rebound married and it didn’t even last a year. 

The next time I married I was running from everyone.  Again, I had no friends, not just no close friends, I had NO friends.  I am not kidding you at all.  So, I made yet another terrible mistake.  I was lucky that this marriage didn’t end my life because he was incredibly mean and I should have known that.

Now, everyone loves my present husband, including me, lol.  I really didn’t have any friends when I met him either but my mom was in approval of this one when she wasn’t of the last 2 so that had to mean something. 

So, I give you a place to go check out your Divorce IQ…..it is Divorce360

Ok, well that little spell of flaming rudeness is over.  I’ve recovered and all is well on the home front.  That’s the most important part anyway, I do declare. 

That doesn’t mean that I don’t need my husband to step up and do his part with the emotional and mental responsibilities in our house.  I mean, it is no easy task just to keep up with the checkbook, never mind keeping up with what has to be paid and when.  And, so it goes, we will discuss this again in counseling. 

And, one other thing that I know has to be addressed is the manner in which he gets so disgusted and agitated with the kids.  However, the other night when I was experiencing a serious emotional havoc, he took over as always.  He makes it easy for me to just be emotionally unstable. 

And, I was in no way nice to him about it.  I kept asking him to please be nicer to the boys, please just talk a little nicer to them, all the while, I was being a complete pain to him.

So, Thursday will come, we will go to counseling and we will talk about it.  Then, after that, who knows?

Ok, I want him to take some mental responsibility here.  I want him to take some of the grief out of my brain and carry it around in his brain for a little while.  Over 3 months ago I informed him that he was in charge of finances.  I’ve done this many times and he always gets out of it some how.

This time, he kept saying, "let’s do it together" and I said, "no because his way of us doing it together is me doing it all".  He promised to help and blah blah blah. 

Since that time, I have continued to carry the financial burden in my brain while I try not to say anything to him and force him to be responsible for it.  It hasn’t happened yet. 

Today, I lost it on him.  I explain to him that the main reason we went to counseling was his inability to take responsibility for "stuff".  (Never mind that I took this as an opportunity to remind him that I asked him 3 weeks ago to move the garbage cans -long story, but it was 3 weeks ago?)

Then, he is short and snippity with our kids, then gets mad when they are smart-mouthing him.  I call it teaching him the skills you want him to use, my husband calls it, "I’m the adult, he is the kid."

I’m trying not to paint a terrible picture of him because he is not, you know that from your previous readings, but this issue, these two issues, one of lack of taking responsibility and the other with the manner in which he talks to the kids….these 2 issues are really bothering me.

I know that it is common for men to know little about how to run the household other than to bring home a check and expect everything else to run smoothly around him.

My husband is one of those.  He has been needing to go to the dentist for some time now, but he absolutely hates it.  He says it makes him sick at his stomach.  He hates the dentist.  He gets anxious, sweaty, nauseated, and just plain out of sorts.

This attitude has landed him in a particularly horrible situation dentally.  He has teeth that are hurting, teeth that have lost old fillings and teeth that are broken and chipped.  He HAS to go to the dentist.   No questions asked!

So, as we were budgeting our tax return and stimulus check, I focused on him at least getting a little dental work taken care of.  It is absolutely to the breaking point.

So, he said, sure, I’ll go, just set it up and don’t tell me until it is time to go.  So, I did.  He goes on Thursday morning at 9:30, he will get his teeth cleaned and since they are slow at this time of the year, the dentist will start working on the biggest issues and work until we run out of money, Wayne runs out of ability to allow the work to be done or the doctor runs out of time.

So, there, it’s done.  I know many women (and men) who would balk at the very idea of their spouse taking such control over their life.  But, in our house, with this particular subject (and most any subject like this), my husband prefers I just handle it and let him stay out of it until the very end.

Well, I can only make the appointment, I can’t make him go and I certainly can’t make it any easier for him.  He did call (no he had me call) and ask our family doctor if he could have a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety medication so he could go without throwing up on the dental assistants and dentist.

We shall see….

I wrote on my other blog Mental & Emotional Health about my desire to change anti-depressants due strictly to cost.  My co-pay for Cymbalta had jumped to $60 a month and I knew there had to be some alternatives that were cheaper.  Prozac is a long time friend of mine and I chose to try it again.  And, it is substantially cheaper at $15. 

Anyway, none of the switching would even be possible if my husband weren’t on board with the switch.  I mean, honestly, no one else is going to deal with you when you are cranky and rude and sleep 20 hours a day as you make the transition. 

My mom would hang around and support me for a little while, and most definitely she has helped by keeping Jace the last 2 days, but she would get agitated herself with me before the medication change happened.  My husband is the only person I know that is up for that challenge.

Part of his understanding comes from the fact that he just started an anti-depressant a couple of months ago and when he first started it, the change in him was obvious but his body just didn’t know exactly how to handle it all.  And, so he had that adjustment period to go through.  He understands where I’m coming from.

And, if you don’t have a husband like that…I suggest you find one, one that will be there for you in all situations….all the time.

This time I’m going to focus on the actual people who are suppose to be in that bed.  The husband and the wife.  Studies show that Caucasian women involved in marital strife will experience sleep problems.  This study isn’t the bottom line and it isn’t necessarily true of women outside he Caucasian woman.  As most of you know, sleep deprivation is a horrible issue.  And, many times women function with sleep deprivation when newborns arrive simply by the fact that men don’t see it is their responsibility. 

And, women will tell you that performing every day tasks while sleep deprived makes even the most simple task of folding laundry impossible.  Well, according to this study authored by Wendy M Troxel, PhD of the University of Pittsburgh, a multi-site study of mid-life women, with an average age of 46 years, 51% Caucasian, 20% African American, 9% Hispanic, 9% Chinese, and 11% Japanese, the subjects reported their marital happiness, sleep quality and frequency of difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep and early morning awakenings.

The results show that higher levels of marital happiness were associated with lesser risk of having multiple sleep complaints but only among the Caucasian women. 

Happily married women had less difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, fewer early morning awakenings, and more restful sleep as compared to unhappily married women.

and

“Divorced individuals tend to have more sleep problems than those who are married; however, among the married, we know very little about how differences in marital quality may be linked with sleep,” said Dr. Troxel. “The present results show that happily married women have fewer sleep problems than unhappily married women.”

As I said above, sleep deprivation is a horrible thing, and sleep plays a vital role in health and well-being.  So, if you want to keep our wife healthy by allowing her to get the sleep she needs, then make sure she is happy in her marriage.  Sounds simple enough?

I’m looking for good information to pass along to you, the readers of this blog.  I am dying for some interaction.  So, I’m going to challenge you to an experiment.  Are you willing to try it?

Here’s how it works.  For 21 days you will live a complaint free marriage.  I read about it first on Simple Marriage and here is how it works.

It is simple, you go 21 days in a row without complaining.  Sounds easy, right?  No, it doesn’t to me, I’m a complainer and simply from our counseling sessions already, our counselor has agreed that yes I complain but that I am also correct that when my husband suggests that I am nagging, that he is the problem in that area.

Dr. Phil (and I know his credibility is ruined but this makes sense, even if a convict said it) explained once that it takes 2 people to make a nag.  One person to make a request, "Will you take out the trash please?", the second person to ignore it or say, "Ok, later" but never actually do it.  The second person doesn’t do his/her part and the the trash stays inside longer.  The first person says again, "Will you please take out the trash?" and the second person either ignores it or says, "ok, later" but still doesn’t do it.  The first person is now a nag because he/she has to say again, "Will YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH?"  There is no please there and the second person is thinking, "why does he/she keep saying this to me?"  Make sense, it took both parties to make a nag.

Now, complaining is a little different.  So to go 21 days without complaining is an entirely different saga. 

When I read it, the suggestion was to wear a rubber band or something obvious around your wrist.  Do not complain to your spouse.  If you do, you switch the bracelet or rubber band to the other arm and start your 21 days over. 

Now, make sure you understand that a complaint is a complaint but just because you are asked to do something does not make it a complaint.  Here is Echart Tolle’s take on the subject of complaining,

Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up-if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ That’s complaining.

Let me know if you are willing to give it a try, I’m curious to see if anyone is brave enough.  If I can get just one person to join me, I’ll give it a whirl, otherwise, having no one to chat it up with makes it harder to stick with. 

Can you do it?  Will you?

`Yes, I know there aren’t that many posts here about this matter, but…well, it is starting to be a really old issue.  Here’s a bit of information, just in case you forgot (as if anyone could forget this horror of horrors).

They go to bed fine.  They watch about 15 minutes of Blue’s Clues or Thomas the Train (I insist on these two because the others are too active, those two should bore anyone to sleep).  When it goes off, usually one of them is asleep.  It doesn’t matter though, it happens if one is asleep or their both awake.  After another fifteen minutes or so, they start asking if they can go to "momma’s bed".

Side Note:  I don’t know why they say it the way they do but it is "momma’s bed" and "momma’s bathroom" although Wayne and I both sleep and bath in the respective rooms. 

When we spoke to the counselor about this, he said, "tell them no and put them back in bed".  And, Wayne said that he would do that but I would give in after they got up a few times.  So, I agreed to let him handle it.  Well, here’s my analogy, correct me if I’m wrong….

Human Beings cry when they are unhappy, correct?  And, my children are crying, so that means they are unhappy, correct?

I am an only child.  I remember having insomnia as far back as age eight.  I couldn’t stand my mom’s new husband and I would lie in bed for hours sometimes.  And, I would cry.  I hated being alone.  And, I would cry.  So, what I said about my children crying, that means they are unhappy right?  By the way, the counselors words to me when I explained my thoughts on this matter were "don’t project that onto your children, that was you, not them."

 

Is there anyone out there who see’s this with their children or did when their children were young.  Remember, my kids are 3 and 5.  Just curious if anyone has any thoughts on the matter.

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When I started my post yesterday, I had intentions of showing you the following email.  Then, as usual, I got off track and managed to end up telling you about holidays and gifts.  So, today, I’m going to show you the email and then tell you a little more to help the email to make sense.  The email was written to a friend who knows more about me than you do so I suspect some of it may need further explaining. 

Anyway, here goes: (bits and pieces in red bold is what I’ve added to help explain the history)

My mom and I went to a bridal shower of a cousins.  At the shower they went around the room and asked each person to give the bride-to-be a piece of advice.  When it came to my turn (which was right before my mother’s - who has been married 5 times, 3 times to same man), I said, "Listen, between my mom and I we’ve been married 9 times, listen to me, do not ever start a habit with your husband-to-be that you don’t intend on doing forever.  For instance, if you don’t mind doing his laundry for the rest of  his life, then fine, do it.  But, if you have any inclination that you don’t want to be his maid, then only do it every now and again for the first year.  That way, you don’t end up doing it forever.  I can promise you that when I get home, I can ask Wayne what he thought my advice for you would be and he will say the same thing, ‘don’t start something you don’t intend to finish or do forever’" (yes, my mom married the same man 3 times and yes, this is my fourth marriage)

Everyone got a hearty laugh except my mom who insisted she had not been married 5 times. 
When I got home, I told Wayne the scenario, I said "what do you think I told her"  and he said, "don’t start anything yo don’t want to do forever".  I almost rolled laughing.  He and I are very very different.  We have nothing in common in so many ways.  He doesn’t even know how to throw a ball.  (I played college athletics and have a degree in physical education.) He throws with his right hand and steps with his right foot at the same time.  I cringe every time I see him do it.  And, he prefers race cars and junk to sports, but he is learning.  You should have heard him at Walker’s T-ball games, yelling like he knew what was going on, I laughed at him.  He really is clueless about it. 

He is an awesome man though and I didn’t know 2 people could live in the same house and get along as well as we do. (My first marriage there was no arguing, mostly  me bossing him and him doing as I said.  Trust me that’s no fun for anyone although it sounds pretty good.  My second marriage my opinion greeted me with a whack to the head.  Again, not much fun.  And finally, my third marriage was just a disaster from the words "I Do"). I mean, mom certainly never had the model marriage and well…who knows about my dad.  (My dad was married before he was married to my mom for a very short period of time and he never mentioned it to me.  There were no children from the marriage and it was just left un-discussed.  But, he didn’t marry again after my mom.)

But, we’ve been together 7 years last month and we have never had an argument that resulted in raised voices.  We discuss a lot, he listens a lot, and really the only problem we have is the way he treats the boys.  He was raised by his grandparents and still believes that the kids should be seen and not heard.  And, of course, I waited a long time for those 2 boys and I am a mother hen.  So, I am just as wrong about it as he is, but I’m not telling him that. 

He really is wonderful.  Although, he is a slob and my OCD doesn’t cope well with it most of the time, but it doesn’t result in arguments, just regular day to day stuff. 

Susie (not her real name, the woman who directed my first wedding that had also been my babysitter) told me this somewhere after marriage one but before marriage 4, "if it bothers you, do something about it, if not, let it be.  for instance, if his socks are in the living room and it bothers you, then pick them up, if it doesn’t bother him, don’t nag at him to do it, just do what matters most to you and let him do the same" 

It was like someone had hit me in the head.  I still complain some about him leaving the socks in the living room sometimes but mostly just because it seems like the thing to do.  The boys both seem to have my organized genes with the exception of Jace having just a tad of not caring about organization. 

Walker on the other hand, he has OCD bad and with numbers just like me.  Remember how I used to memorize people’s licenses plates?  Well, Walker watched the Olympics and he knew which lane was the USA swimming (Michael Phelps usually) and the next time he swam, he wanted to know why he wasn’t in same lane.   He knows his multiplication facts through 3.  However, if you ask him what 3 times 4 is, he will tell you 12.  If you ask him what 4 times 3 is, he says, "you know I don’t know my 4’s yet."  (That part was really just FYI, it has nothing to do with this post or email, I just talk too much sometimes or at least it seems that way.)

He (Walker, our five year old)  really is going to be way smarter than me and maybe even his dad.   Wayne has a tested and certified IQ of 170.  Yea, sickening.  He could make Carol (not her real name but a girl who never made a B.  She graduated high school with a 98 average overall in every class for the four years.  She graduated from Auburn with straight A’s.  Made it to medical school and still, nothing less than practically perfect) look like she needed to be in a learning disabled class. 

He (my husband Wayne) was the electrical engineer on a project in Florida when we lived there…..6 years ago.  They still call him to ask questions about the electrical stuff AND the sad part is, he can help them fix crap still, after 6 years.  He can tell them which box has what wires and what number wires and where they go to the next box.  Crazy stuff, but the man has no clue when garbage day is or when holidays are. 

Ask him when Memorial Day is and when Labor Day is, he doesn’t know.  Thanksgiving he can manage, Christmas he can manage, but other than that, no Presidents Day  memory, Easter, birthdays, anniversary’s, etc.  Oh and he does know Halloween.  But, man he is too smart for his own good.  Walker will be much like that.

But, anyway, why I got off on that instead of telling the story at the beginning instead of shutting  my trap I don’t know.  But, I’m sure that it somewhat explains why my 5 year old was getting in trouble EVERY DAY  for the first week of school and she finally moved him to a seat in the back of the room, alone, facing the wall and not his classmates. 

That kid is a walking narrator of the day.  I’m posting about that soon, I’ll let you know so you can read it, it is painful.

So, now, back to where I started, which is, the most wonderful husband in the world and I still disagree, but even he knew my philosophy about how our every day lives are conducted as well as how together we just simply get things done.  I do what matters to me, he does what matters to him  and that’s that.  That doesn’t mean that we never disagree, it just means that we are good together and negotiating is easy. 

Getting the tattoos for my birthday (one for him, one for me) was my idea.  When I approached him with the idea though, he told me that he had already thought of it.  I don’t buy into the whole soul mate thing, but I do buy into love and that’s what matters in the end.  Love and understand together make for a happy marriage.  One simply can’t exist without the other.

So, I wonder, if I could get at least one person to read and comment on some of my posts I would definitely try to stray in other directions.  So, feel free to email me and give me some topics that interest you, answer some of the questions on my previous emails.  Just let me hear from you so I have something to work from.  I am dying for some communication here.

Today was our session with our counselor.  I think all three of us really don’t know how to act because my husband and I really don’t have any issues to sort through.  There are some but not that I’m comfortable revealing to the counselor just yet.  But, when we met him the first time, I was the one doing all the talking.

I told the counselor how I felt about the way Wayne treated the boys, how he was grumpy and hateful, etc.  But, at the same time, he had just started taking an anti-depressant and he was already starting to get better.  So, before we closed, I simply said, "Here I’ve done all this badgering of my husband and he hasn’t said one negative thing about me.  Does that mean I’m doing everything right and I’m perfect?"

We all got a good laugh out of that.  So, Wayne looked at me and said, "you know the only problem I have."  I looked at the counselor and told him that that Wayne didn’t like it because our children slept in our bed.  The counselor laughed and asked Wayne if that was the issue.  Wayne confirmed it and we all got a good laugh about how I was doing the talking for both of us. 

Anyway, today, after a little jabbering about the fact that things were relatively good at our house, he asked if we were serious about getting the children out of our bed.  Wayne didn’t answer.  I let him know that it doesn’t bother me that they are there and that Wayne was the one who doesn’t like it.

He offered up a bit of research which is difficult to explain but I’m going to try.  Basically it goes like this (I thought I would eventually find it on-line but I couldn’t):

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and each time they pecked it, they got a piece of corn.  So, obviously they learned, peck once and corn comes out.

Group 2 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they had to peck the lever 5 times to get corn.  So, they would peck peck peck peck peck, get corn, peck peck ..you understand I know.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they got corn at random pecks.  One peck, corn, 5 pecks, corn, 20 pecks, corn, 8 pecks, corn.

Then, they took all the corn away.

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group peck, no corn, peck, no corn, peck, no corn - and they finally gave up.

Group 2 of Chickens

This group would peck peck peck peck peck,no corn, lather, rinse and repeat.  This group finally gave up.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group never gave up, they just kept pecking because they thought that at some point they would eventually get a piece of corn.

He related that to our children.  He says that they have figured out that there is a limit where we just say, "I give up, it is simpler to just let them go into our bed than to keep fighting us."

As we speak, we are doing the bedtime battle, however we both agreed that it is a mute point until we get back from vacation.

His suggestion of course, as I already knew, was to hold our ground.  No going to our bed, they had to go to bed in their bed, period.  No matter how many times they come and ask us before we go to bed, the answer has to be no.  Wayne can do it, or so he says he can.  I can’t.  I hate it.  I don’t like for them to cry.

I told the counselor how I am an only child and I was always alone and I hated it.  All I can think about is how horrible it felt and when the kids want to come to bed with us, I feel it is because they are feeling that way.

His answer, of course, was "don’t project yourself onto your children".

Finally, it came down to the fact that if they come to our bed during the middle of the night, we simply took them back to their room.  I agreed that this was a simple plan.  We’ve done it before.  However, as I told him, that always falls on me. 

When it was one and we were breaking him, I would get up 7 or 8 times a night and take him back.  Wayne never had to do this, he never even stirred.  The man could sleep through a volcano. 

The counselor agreed that this was ridiculous and how did I get any rest.  I explained that I didn’t, sleep deprivation is ugly and on me it is really ugly.  So, again I made the suggestion that even though it doesn’t bother me that the kids are in our bed, I know it bothers Wayne and I’m willing to toughen up and let him handle them prior to us going to bed.  I followed that up with the fact that when the boys come into our room after we are asleep, I felt like it would only be fair that he get up at least half the time.

The counselor agreed that it was fair.  Wayne on the other hand admitted that he would never wake up.  So, I say, "it just doesn’t work out because he wants it but I am the one who wakes up every time, even if it is to wake him up and tell him that it is his turn to take the kid back to bed."

The counselor agreed again that this sounded off.  We left this session with the counselor stating that if we really wanted the children out of our bed, he would help us.  But, of course, he made it clear, WE have to WANT it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The counselor said that when this happened with his children, he would finally get to a point where he would sit his children down before bed and tell them "Listen, Dad is not getting any sleep, if you come to our bed tonight, I’m going to spank you."

I obviously made an odd face because he said that he did indeed get his little paddle out and spank one of his kids at 2 AM.  But, that this child quit coming to their bed. 

I am not going to spank my children for coming to our bed, even if it is 99 times.  I will however try to find a way of rewarding them for staying in their bed. 

So, I am curious what you guys do about "children in the marital bed".

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As most of you have already figured out, I’m not a very short and sweet kind of writer.  I try, oh how I try so hard.  But, the fact is, I just get all excited.  But, this one, this one is going to be short I promise.

My topic is this:  How do you and our spouse/significant other/partner handle the every day duties of running a home when one of the adults involved is sick?  With that, I mean sick as in 1.  has a cold or the flu  2.  sick as in has a temporary illness but that is lasting several months (I’ll explain in detail) or 3. has a long term illness?

1.  Tell me what it is like in your house when you get sick.  Who picks up the extra work that you simply can’t do because you are sick?  Or does anyone bother to help out?  Secondly, what happens when your spouse/partner is sick?  Do you pick up his/her share of he work?  Or do you leave it for them as they maybe did the same to you at one point?

Ok, see, that was pretty short.  That’s my first question.

2.  What happens when one of the adults in the house has a temporary illness but one that lasts for longer than say the flu?  For instance, my husband broke his leg two years ago?  I worked myself into a frenzie around here trying to do my part and his part.  Is that the case at your house?  And, currently I have mono and my husband has been dealt a hand of doing more of the childcare than he already did which was quite a darn bit before.  As long as I rest good for a few days, I can have a few good days.  But, instead, what happens is, we get excited when I feel well and we spend 3 or 4 days on the go and then I have to spend 3 or 4 days in the bed.  What happens at your house under these circumstances?

A side note here, my husband has missed one sick day in 6 years other than when he had a broken leg.  And, even then, he would log into the computer system at work and do what he needed to do from home on many days.  However, since I’ve met him, I’ve had 2 c-sections, spent 12 weeks of one pregnancy on bed rest and 11 weeks of another pregnancy on bed rest, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, a hysterectomy, a major back surgery which involved about 2 months in bed and another 2 months of doing nothing and now with the mono bit which my doc predicts will last well into the month of October.  So, you can see who has been the one drawing the short stick at my house for quite some time.  I’m just curious what would happen at your house under these circumstances.  And, for you single parents, how do you handle these kinds of situations?

Ok, so that one wasn’t very short.  Sorry.

3.  One adult has a long term illness?  For instance, I am a diabetic, I have a thyroid disorder and now I have mono.  Hopefully by the end of October I will be back to normal.  But, cancer is rampant in our world.  How do the adults work out all the logistics when one of the adults has cancer, is paralyzed, etc?  Tell me how it works in your house, please.

Ok, see, that wasn’t so bad.  And, also, in all three questions I really would like to hear from the single parents. 

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Well, at this time only ten people have participated in the poll but I full expect to see a couple more people in the poll later.  And, you can look for yourself and see that 40% of the polling people say that parenting is what stresses their marriage the most.

Parenting is terribly difficult in our houses as well.  Especially since my husband and I are both only children, we really have problems discerning when to step in and when to stay out of sibling squabbles.  And, of course, one of us always thinks the other one is being too strict.

Money received 30% of the votes and I can honestly say that we don’t argue about money in our house.  We don’t have much and we just pay what we have pay and I can count the few times that money was an issue.  Both of us are very giving and our children are no spoiled.  Neither my husband nor myself grew up in a home with an endless money stream so we know how to watch what we are doing.  Our children are learning this as well too I think. 

As far as the 20% of the people who chose sex as a stressor, I can totally understand.  There are so many factors to sex after children come along that it makes sex difficult.  Find the time, having the energy, slowing down to even spend enough time with one another that sex becomes a conscious thought.  And with so many drugs out there that treat serious diseases like diabetes, thyroid disorders, depression and anxiety, many people explain problems with their libido.  I’d love to hear more from you on this topic if you have time to comment.

So, with that, we will start our study on how parenting affects marriages tomorrow since it received the most votes.  And,, as the percentages change, I’ll keep you up to date.

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I’m anxious to start writing more research based information along with real-life examples.  So, if you will, please participate in my poll.  And, remember, anonymous comments are welcome.  I know many people frown on anonymous comments but I believe in a forum like this one, if we have the opportunity to be more honest and open, we can all learn from each other without hurting anyone.

So, please, take part of the poll.  Also, multiple selections are allowed.

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Ok, I tend to get wordy in these situations but my goal is to tell you about me and my husbands (yes  I meant that plural) as well as what I hope to do with the site. *I want to learn and I want to educate.  So, here goes:

My name is Jerri Ann and my husband is Wayne.  We’ve been married 6 years and we have 2 children.  One is 5 and the other is 3.  We have very different parenting strategies and it causes problems in our marriage.  We recently had our first counseling session because this seems to be our main marital challenge.  I will talk more about this I’m sure. 

We met on the internet.  He saw my online ad.  He sent me a message asking me to dinner.  I had a date with someone that I had been out with before but wasn’t sure I really liked.  I told him I already had plans and he immediately said, "what about lunch". 

There really is a point here, I promise. 

We went to lunch.  He asked me about dinner the next night.  I agreed.  But, I stayed out late that night and asked him to just join me at my apartment for pizza and a Braves game the next night.  (Would it be bad here to admit that I know that this was a Monday and a Tuesday but not the exact dates? It was sometime around the first of August.)  He ordered pizza and came over for the game.  He never went home. 

I am not kidding.  That is exactly what happened.  He had to be sent to Florida for business the next week and by Thursday he asked me to join him.  And, I did.  We bought a camper a month later (he worked construction).  I quit my job the next month.  We started trying to have a child the next month.  I got pregnant 2 months later.  I had a miscarriage but by this time we were living in Florida.  We tried again and immediately we were pregnant with our first child. 

At 38 weeks pregnant, I begged him to quit his job and move home with me.  He agreed.  He got a job.  We bought a home.  We had another baby.  And now…..here we are.

So, that was a trip down memory lane.  Now, a few more quick thoughts.  I want you to really know us and where we came from. 

He was freshly divorced when we met.  So fresh that he didn’t even have a copy of the papers from his lawyer.  He agreed to pay alimony and their house payment for five years.  Luckily, two years later, she got married, gave him the house and he was out of the alimony payment.

I…I am not so simple.  I married at 22 to my college sweetheart.  We grew apart.  I can’t say we tried very hard to keep the marriage together.  It ended 18 months later.  I married again 2 years later.  A rebound marriage to an abusive man.  He was verbally and physically abusive.  He wasn’t smart enough to manipulate me emotionally or intellectually. 

Here comes the hard part.  I married again in 1998.  He was abusive.  Not physically, not verbally, but the emotional and intellectual abuse was far worse.  He became addicted or I should say re-addicted to drugs.  He quit coming home from work on Fridays and would only come home when he had no money.  I finally got the nerve to leave him.  I then spent a year hunting him so that I could get a divorce.   I found him.  He was back in jail and currently he is in prison again. 

I told  you that previous part because when Wayne and I first got together, I had serious issues of him going to work and leaving me.  It took a long time (and I mean like over a year and a half) for me to be comfortable with him going somewhere without me. 

So, we’ve not come to this marriage without baggage, without expectations and sometimes the expectations have been negative.  I gave you the one example of me about feeling like I would be abandoned again so now one about Wayne.

For Wayne, his ex-wife gained a lot of weight after he married her.  I don’t mean, like 50 pounds either.  I mean, she gained almost 200 pounds.  He told me honestly when we met (I weighed about 180 pounds, so I wasn’t a little person, he didn’t care though) that he didn’t mean to be so cold but that he would not sit around and watch someone do that again.  He wished he had intervened. 

Trust me, he isn’t all about physical looks.  He hasn’t said a word as my weight shot up to 225 pounds as of late.  He has done his best to help me.  Now that we know I am diabetic and have a thyroid disorder, I’m losing weight.  We have a treadmill and my plan is to get with it on Monday.  (Why Monday?  Because I’ve had mono and my doc told me not to exercise until she checked me, so I waited.  Monday, the treadmill gets to meet me.)

So, as I said in the beginning, I get wordy with these kind of things but I believe it is important for you to know who I am, who my husband is and how we came to be in this marriage that I would say is strained first and foremost by parental strategies and secondly by financial problems but overall, 98% of the time, we are very very happy.  I would say happy enough to make the folks who know us in real life beg to know the secret.  No secret, just mature adults, doing what we have to do. 

*I am going to save this for tomorrow…because, you know, I got wordy.*

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