Marital Talk

Communication is one of the most important aspects in any relationship, especially marriage.
Here is the definition of communication from http://www.dictionary.com

“Communication:
1. the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated.
2. the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.
3. something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted.
4. a document or message imparting news, views, information, etc.
5. passage, or an opportunity or means of passage, between places.
6. communications, a. means of sending messages, orders, etc., including telephone, telegraph, radio, and television.
b. routes and transportation for moving troops and supplies from a base to an area of operations.

7. Biology. a. activity by one organism that changes or has the potential to change the behavior of other organisms.
b. transfer of information from one cell or molecule to another, as by chemical or electrical signals ”

I especially like # 7. If you really think about it, our purpose and desire in marriage is often to change the behavior of the other “organism” involved in the relationship. If we are able to effectively communicate, we will not only change the behavior of the other, but have our behavior changed by them also.
Communication is two-fold. It requires talking and listening.
It is easier to talk than to listen- but much more beneficial to listen than to talk. If we are really listening, we make sure we are understanding what is meant by the one talking- otherwise there is no true communication.
Mis-understanding can be avoided if we listen well.
When we really hear what our spouse is saying to us, we may see things in a different light. When we pay attention to them and their desires, it will enable both parties to understand eachother better.
Listening effectively may require asking questions such as: “Did you mean….?”, or “Are you saying…?”
When given the chance to clarify, the speaker may word things in a way that is better understood by the listener.

Here is a good article on communication in marriage. http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2007/002/15.17.html

communication, marriage, spouse, talk, listen

I think all of us are familiar with intentional jealousy. It seems to be the thing to do when we’re young and dating. I don’t know about you, but I can remember when I was in high school and you think that if your boyfriend or girlfriend sees you with someone else it will be a ‘good’ thing. They will be so overwhelmed with jealousy, they will confess their undying love for you and you will feel completely and utterly desirable. Where this ridiculous assumption comes from is still being researched I believe. Because what this actually does is cause mistrust and feelings of insecurity in whomever we’re in a relationship with. It is a fairy-tale ideal that jealousy causes feelings of love and devotion rather than anger and insecurity.

So what do you do if you’re married to someone who thinks it’s okay to commit acts that make you jealous? Maybe they noticeably flirt or check out other people when you’re with them. (I’m familiar with that scenario). Maybe they act suspicious when they receive cell phone calls or emails from people you don’t know. They like to make you think they’re hiding something or could leave you for someone else at any moment. They’re doing this for one of two reasons- They enjoy hurting you and watching you get upset; or they hold that adolescent notion that jealousy makes good things happen. Either way, communication is key in handling this.

You must let your partner know how their actions make you feel. If they truly love and care about you they will understand that feelings of jealousy aren’t coveted and the two of you can discuss a solution. If their intentions are mean-spirited they may not care how you feel. In this case you must decide how much you are willing to take. You could try not letting their actions bother you to see if that solves it. Kind of like the belief that if you ignore the bully he’ll leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, and your partner’s actions are truly making you miserable and they’re not willing to change, you must decide the fate of your marital future.

In our situation, I told my husband that I thought it was disrespectful when he looked at other women when I was with him. Even if he wasn’t doing it intentionally to piss me off and make me feel insecure, I asked him to make a conscious effort not to do it with me in the car, walking behind or next to him, etc… He argued with me for awhile that he wasn’t doing what I claimed, but it’s hard to deny something when your wife has witnessed you doing it. He is making an effort to control his wandering eye when I’m with him, and it wouldn’t be good for me to imagine what he does when he’s with his friends and I’m not around. That would just be feeding the green-eyed monster with a silver spoon and I refuse to do that……anymore. For more tips on jealousy check out this site.
2-in-2-1 - Marriage Clinic - Pressures in Marriage - Struggling with Jealousy

marriage, jealousy, envy, insecurity, wife, husband,

Author Robert A. Heinlein stated that, “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” What do you think of that statement? Is it 100% accurate? If you are completely confident in your marriage will you never feel a twang of jealousy? I have to say that I think I agree with most of this theory. I say most of it because I think even the most self-confident person wavers and feels twangs of jealousy in certain circumstances. But overall, the more confident we are the less likely we will be to allow jealousy to ruin our relationship. Now this doesn’t refer to relationships where one partner is using your jealousy against you. This is more about relationships where one person has a tendency to feel jealous over things that their spouse doesn’t even realize is making them jealous.

I reflected on the last time I felt really jealous over something in my marriage. In the beginning, my husband didn’t realize how much a comment he made about another person affected me. Even now, six years later, if I think about it I get myself all worked up again. So although he has apologized and discussed it with me, my lack of self-confidence in whether or not he’s actually telling the truth allows this comment made oh so many years ago to fester up new feelings of jealousy and anger. So how do I deal with unintentional jealous feelings brought on by a past event? Confidence building is easier said than done. To help myself I need to trust him and what he says, believe that he truly does love me, and let go of the feelings I continue to hold inside about this situation.

When situations that cause jealousy are unintentional, reflecting on the inner source of the jealousy and not the people or things believed to be the cause of the jealousy forces you to look at yourself much more closely. It’s not always an easy task. It can be hard to tell yourself that you wouldn’t feel so jealous if it wasn’t for you. It’s much easier to say, “I wouldn’t feel so jealous if it wasn’t for him, her, etc…” My new goal when I feel that ugly monster start to rear its’ head is to reflect on whether or not the jealousy is intentional or something I’m bringing on myself. If the actions or words causing the jealousy are unintentional, then I’ll try to work the feelings out within myself first before getting angry or pouty.

A reader of the blog sent this story about jealousy to me: Why Do I Get Jealous? — Yahoo! Personals I thought it brought up some common reasons jealousy occurs in relationships and how important trust is. But then I thought longer on the topic of why jealousy exists and how it starts. I realized that in order to grasp jealousy you must do more than just have trust;you must understand what trust is and with whom you have trust issues. Dictionary.com defines trust as: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. Reading this definition made me realize that jealousy is actually quite easy to understand. When the integrity, strength, ability, or surety of our spouse OR ourself becomes unreliable jealousy creeps in.

If we’re jealous of another person because we think our husband or wife finds them more fun, better looking, smarter, or sophisticated it’s really not the other person causing the jealousy. It’s the loss of our own self-esteem or strength that allows the jealousy to creep in. On the other hand, if your spouse has cheated on you jealousy is easily sparked because you’ve lost your reliance on their integrity and surety. Basically, there is a lack of trust. I have told my husband before that if I ever lost complete trust in him I most likely could not continue to be married to him. To me, trust is the most important thing in a marriage or any give and take relationship.

But I am prone to feel jealous if I catch him checking out another woman, overhear him talking on the phone with his guy friends discussing girls they used to know, or even comments on his MySpace page from girls can tick me off. But I realize now that I’m not so much jealous of the other people as I am in doubt of my own self. I don’t have enough trust in my own self-worth to let these things roll of my back. So I think the first step in conquering jealousy is to define where you’ve lost trust. Once you can say where you are lacking in trust, you can determine whether or not that trust can be regained and how to achieve that. More to come this week on the green-eyed monster.

jealousy, trust, marriage, relationships

I posted a few days ago how my husband and I got into an argument started mostly by his tone of voice. If you have a spouse that starts a conversation rudely or loudly, maybe these three tips can help you out. I have tried all of them at one time or another;sometimes it is a success and somtimes it isn’t. Sometimes I get an apology right away, and other times we still argue but he apologizes later.

1. Watch Your Tone
Your tone is as important as your spouse’s. Tones can range from happy, sad, angry, irritated, furious, or mocking. It is usually the tones that imply that we are irritated, angry, or mocking our spouse that start arguments. It is easy to lose your cool when you are being yelled at, or spoken to disrespectfully, but if you try to maintain a calm tone you are more likely to induce conversation rather than arguing. This works for me half of the time. If I keep a calm tone, I find that we have a better chance of discussing the problem rather than yelling at each other.

2.Point Out The Behavior
This tip can be tricky. You don’t want your spouse to feel as if you are reprimanding them or treating them like a child. The best way to do this is to ask them why they’re yelling, being disrespectful, mocking etc… Many times you may find that they have no good reason and may not even understand why they are doing it. This signals that it has become such a part of their personality that it is just normal for them to speak to you like that. If they justify their behavior with a viable reason, you may need to step back and see if they are justified in their behavior. After our argument the other night I realized that my husband did have a right to be upset. I would have been too if he had spent as much as I did. I didn’t feel he was justified in yelling at me without so much as a discussion beforehand, but I did see how the situation could make him fly off the handle. That’s where step 3 comes in.

3.Discuss it After You Cool Down
The next day I told him I understood where he was coming from, but that he should have approached me with more respect. He agreed and apologized, and I made him promise to never let me go to the grocery store twice in the same day. He agreed to that too. But there are times where your spouse will feel that they are right and no manner of talking to them will get you an apology or understanding. This has happened to us on more than one occasion, but the more we talk about our feelings the less this happens. For the times when he or I feel we’re in the right we usually just let time heal the anger. There may be no apologies given and we may still feel that we’re right no matter what, but after some time we give up on being angry and move on. Don’t waste energy being mad at your spouse when you can spend energy loving on them.

If you would like more tips on this topic click on the link below.
Marriage and communication: Tips for talking - Equality in Marriage Institute

marriage, marriage problems, yelling, marriage tips

Treat others like you want to be treated is a popular golden rule. In marriages the rule changes somewhat to: It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Tonight my husband and I got into it over how much I spent on groceries. When I told him the amount he asked, “How did you manage to spend that much?” If he had asked me this in a normal tone of voice I probably would have explained that we needed some extra things this month like cleaning supplies. But his tone was very accusatory and defensive;as if I’d went and blown a bunch of money on stuff for myself. Now he is one that likes to yell…..a lot. I’ve always told him he has two volumes, loud and louder. But I’ve adjusted to it over the past ten years and can tell when he’s angry and when he’s just being loud. Sometimes my family reminds me of that show that used to be on about the Gotti’s. Someone in that house was always yelling it seemed, but they all still loved each other at the end of the night. That seems to be us a lot of days.

I can honestly say though, that if my husband watched his tone more often we would fight less over how he talks to me. If I had to pinpoint one problem in our marriage it would be this. He doesn’t say mean things to me or things that make me wonder why he’s asking. It’s just the way he talks a lot of times. I’d take it more personal if he didn’t also do it to his mother, father, sister, kids, and the dogs. In his defense, he does realize he does it and he works to try and change it. But since it is such a part of his personality it is hard to change. I’m going to try and think of some tips to post on how to handle this since my theory on life is that if I’m experiencing something, someone else probably is too.

marriage, yelling, fighting, marriage problems