Marital Talk

I want to throw a big howdy and welcome to all of you who came here via The Daily Mountain Eagle Lifestyles Section of today’s paper.  I’ll do my best to be a good host but I don’t really have any refreshments to offer except that stuff over there in my archives.  Give them a whirl!

Here’s a complete list, if you are interested:

Mom~E~Centric - 5 months old but technically since I moved from a previous blog to this new dig, approximately 6 years of real life blogging.  All of the information hasn’t been converted over yet, just bare with me as I move posts one at a time

A Crack ‘n Life:  3 years old

Life in Reality:  18 months old

TV Boyfriends:  16 months old

Mom is Teaching:  1 month for me as author, but 19 months total with another author 18 months

Marital Talk: 1 month for me as author, but 19 months total with another author for 18 months

Mental and Emotional Health:  1 month for me as author, but it was started in 2006 with another author

So, make yourself at home, then comment and let me know you came by.

I’ve given you all a little background about me, now surely some of you can tell me something about your and your spouse.  You don’t have to get nitty gritty and give me all the details, just the general information.  So, I’ve basically made my own little questionnaire.  Please take a few minutes and fill it out so I can get some ideas what you guys are interested in discussing.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want, I certainly don’t mind and it really may let the conversation be more open if you choose to go the anon way. 

So, without further ado, I give you 5 quick questions:

1.  Where did you and your spouse meet?

2.  Have either of you been married before?

3.  If so, do you or your spouse have children from a previous marriage/relationship?

4.  When you first married/together, was sex the biggest past time you could find?

5.  If so, have you moved on to different past times or are you still regally adored and adoring to your spouse?

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I suppose that most of you have figured out that I basically write about what’s going in my life.  If you have a topic you would like to discuss, please leave a comment here or email me so I can do it.  For now, I’m just pulling from our own lives and making examples.

We are on our way on vacations.  I made the decision to keep our 5 year old out of kindergarten this coming up week.  His teacher sent his work home and we are going to work on it during our week off.  We are going to the beach.  And, we are strictly going for rest and relaxation.  Nothing more.

The city we’ve chosen to visit is one I’ve been too more times than I can count, even if I take my shoes off and we all there last year.  So, we know what we want to see and do..and basically it is very little. 

Wayne and our vacation well together.  He is a little more antsy to get up in the mornings and get going and I prefer to sit back and enjoy the morning watching the waves crash and surfing.  (And if Guidor, Gordo, Gustav or what ever his name is holds true to the weather man’s forecast, we won’t have to worry. 

And, if it is just rain we get off of the big guy, that’s fine too because like I said, we have similar expectations.  We’ve worked unbelievable hard in the last year and half.  Owning your own business is difficult on a marriage, especially when one of the partners is more dedicated and the other has to work his/her own full time job. 

So, basically, we feel like we deserve this vacation.  We’ve been on many short trips together but we really splurged on this one and will be staying for a week.  I absolutely couldn’t be happier.  And, like I said, we both want to sit and relax, hang by the pool and watch our children play in the kiddie pool, the kiddie bowling and we will eventually be rested enough to get in the big pool with them and play.

And, the boys have new sand shoes and sand toys so they will be ready to hit the beach and waste time there as well.  So, with that, I’m giving you the opportunity to tell me about you and your spouse. 

Do you travel well together?

Do you ever travel without one another?

Where is your favorite vacation spot?

What’s a typical vacation like for you and your spouse/family?

I’m waiting on someone to throw me a bone so I can talk about other stuff, so come on all, get to barking at me.

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As most of you have already figured out, I’m not a very short and sweet kind of writer.  I try, oh how I try so hard.  But, the fact is, I just get all excited.  But, this one, this one is going to be short I promise.

My topic is this:  How do you and our spouse/significant other/partner handle the every day duties of running a home when one of the adults involved is sick?  With that, I mean sick as in 1.  has a cold or the flu  2.  sick as in has a temporary illness but that is lasting several months (I’ll explain in detail) or 3. has a long term illness?

1.  Tell me what it is like in your house when you get sick.  Who picks up the extra work that you simply can’t do because you are sick?  Or does anyone bother to help out?  Secondly, what happens when your spouse/partner is sick?  Do you pick up his/her share of he work?  Or do you leave it for them as they maybe did the same to you at one point?

Ok, see, that was pretty short.  That’s my first question.

2.  What happens when one of the adults in the house has a temporary illness but one that lasts for longer than say the flu?  For instance, my husband broke his leg two years ago?  I worked myself into a frenzie around here trying to do my part and his part.  Is that the case at your house?  And, currently I have mono and my husband has been dealt a hand of doing more of the childcare than he already did which was quite a darn bit before.  As long as I rest good for a few days, I can have a few good days.  But, instead, what happens is, we get excited when I feel well and we spend 3 or 4 days on the go and then I have to spend 3 or 4 days in the bed.  What happens at your house under these circumstances?

A side note here, my husband has missed one sick day in 6 years other than when he had a broken leg.  And, even then, he would log into the computer system at work and do what he needed to do from home on many days.  However, since I’ve met him, I’ve had 2 c-sections, spent 12 weeks of one pregnancy on bed rest and 11 weeks of another pregnancy on bed rest, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, a hysterectomy, a major back surgery which involved about 2 months in bed and another 2 months of doing nothing and now with the mono bit which my doc predicts will last well into the month of October.  So, you can see who has been the one drawing the short stick at my house for quite some time.  I’m just curious what would happen at your house under these circumstances.  And, for you single parents, how do you handle these kinds of situations?

Ok, so that one wasn’t very short.  Sorry.

3.  One adult has a long term illness?  For instance, I am a diabetic, I have a thyroid disorder and now I have mono.  Hopefully by the end of October I will be back to normal.  But, cancer is rampant in our world.  How do the adults work out all the logistics when one of the adults has cancer, is paralyzed, etc?  Tell me how it works in your house, please.

Ok, see, that wasn’t so bad.  And, also, in all three questions I really would like to hear from the single parents. 

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Somewhere in Alabama: you will find:

A Crack ‘n Life

Life In Reality

TV Boyfriends

The others should be added by tomorrow.

Mom is Teaching

Marital Talk

Mental & Emotional Health

Ok, I tend to get wordy in these situations but my goal is to tell you about me and my husbands (yes  I meant that plural) as well as what I hope to do with the site. *I want to learn and I want to educate.  So, here goes:

My name is Jerri Ann and my husband is Wayne.  We’ve been married 6 years and we have 2 children.  One is 5 and the other is 3.  We have very different parenting strategies and it causes problems in our marriage.  We recently had our first counseling session because this seems to be our main marital challenge.  I will talk more about this I’m sure. 

We met on the internet.  He saw my online ad.  He sent me a message asking me to dinner.  I had a date with someone that I had been out with before but wasn’t sure I really liked.  I told him I already had plans and he immediately said, "what about lunch". 

There really is a point here, I promise. 

We went to lunch.  He asked me about dinner the next night.  I agreed.  But, I stayed out late that night and asked him to just join me at my apartment for pizza and a Braves game the next night.  (Would it be bad here to admit that I know that this was a Monday and a Tuesday but not the exact dates? It was sometime around the first of August.)  He ordered pizza and came over for the game.  He never went home. 

I am not kidding.  That is exactly what happened.  He had to be sent to Florida for business the next week and by Thursday he asked me to join him.  And, I did.  We bought a camper a month later (he worked construction).  I quit my job the next month.  We started trying to have a child the next month.  I got pregnant 2 months later.  I had a miscarriage but by this time we were living in Florida.  We tried again and immediately we were pregnant with our first child. 

At 38 weeks pregnant, I begged him to quit his job and move home with me.  He agreed.  He got a job.  We bought a home.  We had another baby.  And now…..here we are.

So, that was a trip down memory lane.  Now, a few more quick thoughts.  I want you to really know us and where we came from. 

He was freshly divorced when we met.  So fresh that he didn’t even have a copy of the papers from his lawyer.  He agreed to pay alimony and their house payment for five years.  Luckily, two years later, she got married, gave him the house and he was out of the alimony payment.

I…I am not so simple.  I married at 22 to my college sweetheart.  We grew apart.  I can’t say we tried very hard to keep the marriage together.  It ended 18 months later.  I married again 2 years later.  A rebound marriage to an abusive man.  He was verbally and physically abusive.  He wasn’t smart enough to manipulate me emotionally or intellectually. 

Here comes the hard part.  I married again in 1998.  He was abusive.  Not physically, not verbally, but the emotional and intellectual abuse was far worse.  He became addicted or I should say re-addicted to drugs.  He quit coming home from work on Fridays and would only come home when he had no money.  I finally got the nerve to leave him.  I then spent a year hunting him so that I could get a divorce.   I found him.  He was back in jail and currently he is in prison again. 

I told  you that previous part because when Wayne and I first got together, I had serious issues of him going to work and leaving me.  It took a long time (and I mean like over a year and a half) for me to be comfortable with him going somewhere without me. 

So, we’ve not come to this marriage without baggage, without expectations and sometimes the expectations have been negative.  I gave you the one example of me about feeling like I would be abandoned again so now one about Wayne.

For Wayne, his ex-wife gained a lot of weight after he married her.  I don’t mean, like 50 pounds either.  I mean, she gained almost 200 pounds.  He told me honestly when we met (I weighed about 180 pounds, so I wasn’t a little person, he didn’t care though) that he didn’t mean to be so cold but that he would not sit around and watch someone do that again.  He wished he had intervened. 

Trust me, he isn’t all about physical looks.  He hasn’t said a word as my weight shot up to 225 pounds as of late.  He has done his best to help me.  Now that we know I am diabetic and have a thyroid disorder, I’m losing weight.  We have a treadmill and my plan is to get with it on Monday.  (Why Monday?  Because I’ve had mono and my doc told me not to exercise until she checked me, so I waited.  Monday, the treadmill gets to meet me.)

So, as I said in the beginning, I get wordy with these kind of things but I believe it is important for you to know who I am, who my husband is and how we came to be in this marriage that I would say is strained first and foremost by parental strategies and secondly by financial problems but overall, 98% of the time, we are very very happy.  I would say happy enough to make the folks who know us in real life beg to know the secret.  No secret, just mature adults, doing what we have to do. 

*I am going to save this for tomorrow…because, you know, I got wordy.*

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I have to say goodbye to writing the marital talk blog. I have enjoyed sharing this part of my life, and will miss it. I will continue writing the parenting and religion blog, so please visit there.

I hope the new writer will enjoy sharing the married life with you. God bless!!

 Jean

Who’s your best friend? Is it your spouse?

I can honestly say that my husband is my best friend. When you think about what being a friend and having a friendship means, being friends with your spouse should be the foundation of your marriage:
being kind to each other
being honest with each other
loving when it’s difficult
not being judged for making mistakes
having fun together
talking to each other
listening when the other talks
making up when a disagreement happens
being faithful
encouraging each other

The other benefits of marriage will grow as the friendship grows. Being friends with your spouse will open up areas of relationship that you wouldn’t have if you were only lovers. Being friends and lovers is the best.

If you get dizzy, you better stay off the marriage go round. OK, you may be asking “What is a marriage go round?”

Let me tell you, a marriage go round is the thing all married couples deal with that they keep going round and round with. They will never agree on it, and both of them continue to think they can sway each other to their way of seeing it, doing it, or thinking about it.

It will never happen.

Now, getting off the marriage go round is as easy as deciding that going around and around has gone on long enough. Decide that being of a different opinion, persuasion, or doing things differently is ok.

It is no big deal if he puts the glasses in the cupboard out of order, at least he put them away. It’s no big deal if she pulls the car in the driveway, rather than back it in. At least she got it in the driveway without hitting anything.

And how about opinions? Who cares if he thinks the color of the house is green, and you say it’s turquoise?

Being on the marriage go round may give you something to talk loudly about, but if you get off of it, how much more intimate talking will you be able to do, and enjoy?

I say, agreeing that it’s ok to do things different, think different and hold different opinions will make marriage much more enjoyable, and help you grow as a couple.

Where did the standards for marriage go?
Since when is it alright for people to have many affairs, and expect to be treated like what they did is ok, and even the norm?

Where did the standards for authority figures go? Why is it all of a sudden a good thing to have had an adulterous marriage?

When are we going to say, enough is enough?

When are we going to stop allowing the people who are leaders in this country to do whatever their lusts demand of them, and insist that we will only elect people who have the integrity to stand for what is right, in their private lives, as well as their public lives?

When we begin to take back our rights to say “enough!”, and not allow people who can’t even keep their vows in marriage, to lead us….then maybe we will see change.

It is not alright that our leaders (As in ….I live in NY!) can’t keep their marriage vows.

If they can’t keep their marriage vows, how can we expect them to keep their public office vows?

Let’ wake up, and insist on integrity.

Check this article out. My sister-in-law sent it to me….she said it reminded her of my husband and I…..but it will be about 53 more years before we are there. I am sure we will make it though, after all, we are both devoted to making it work…forever….and ever……and ever…..and….

Thiry years ago today we met. Thanks Dad (after all, it is all your fault!)!

As I have been watching and listening to all the media reactions to Elliot Spitzer and his wife Silda, I have been both amazed and intrigued at all the differing opinions being expressed, and at some of the blaming.

Just like I said would happen, last week, some people are putting the blame on Silda.   I was particularly surprised about the remarksw Dr. Laura made. She said that when ever a man strays, he is not getting what he needs from his wife.

Putting her judgement on Silda, without knowing what was really going on in the relationship. I don’t know what’s going on either, and maybe I am wrong, but I whole heartedly DISAGREE with Dr Laura.

When do we stop making anyone who does wrong the victim, and insist that they take responsibility for their own actions, their own decisions, and their own life?

Silda may have been a neglectful wife, or she may have been a wonderful wife……but that has absolutely nothing to do with why her husband…..the man who pledged to be faithful to her, was not only unfaithful, but used a prostitute. Having sex with a prostitute is not only stupid, it’s dangerous. He put himself and his family in danger of getting sick (disease from sexual contact).

He spent money (probably not just his own money either !) , and lots of it…..for some sexual (I think it’s more like sick) fun!

And this is Silda’s fault how????

Give me a break!

Dr. Laura, you need to reevaluate your understanding of people, and begin to insist that they take resonsibility for their own decisions and actions.

Silda Spitzer, Prostitution, adultery, Spitzer, Dr. Laura

In this breaking news article from Fox News, there is a quote I want to addresss. It is Elliot Spitzer, making his resignation speech.

He says that he has begun to atone for his  failings. I am reminded of a radio show I regularly listen to, dealing with relationships. The common advice given to couples who have been through unfaithfulness, is to try to work it out. Restitution can be made, and must be if the relationship is to be saved. With Counseling, agreement as to what restitution needs to be made, and any consequences that need to be dealt with, marriages can survive, and end up being even better than they were originally.

Marriage Builders offers hope and encouragement to couples trying to rebuild a marriage that has been hurt.  This thing with Spitzer has touched many people, and maybe some will try to fix what is wrong in their relationships because of seeing that even men in powerful positions, with seemingly strong marital relationships, can fall…..hard and fast.

“In the past few days, I have begun to atone for my private failings with my wife Silda, my children and my entire family,” Spitzer said.”The remorse I feel will always be with me. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the love and compassion they have shown me.

“From those to whom much has been given, much is expected. I have been given much — the love of my family, the faith and trust of the people of New York, and the chance to lead this state.

“I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me.”

He added: “Over the course of my public life, I have insisted I believe correctly, that people regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself.

“For this reason, I am resigning from the office of governor.” 

Spitzer Resigns, Elliot Spitzer, Divorce, Unfaithfulness, NY Governor, Marriage help,

Many times when a married person acts unfaithfully, we may ask ” How did she not know? Weren’t there signs?”

And usually there have been, but they are seen more with hindsight than with foresight.

In the case of Elliot Spitzer, a man married for 20 years, the signs that would have been obvious to some in other circumstances, were not so obvious in this case.

Going on unexplained trips, he was the Governor- he was always going on trips. Money being spent, unaccounted for. Again- the Governor has a lot of money, and his wife probably wasn’t even aware of it missing, it was taken care of by the state accountant or something.

Then there is the simple reason that obvious signs wouldn’t be obvious- denial. Not knowing is often easier than dealing with the infidelity and all the baggage that comes with it. The decisions that must be made, and everyone you know telling you what you should do- regardless of what you want to do, or feel you should do, as the offended spouse.

For many women in this situation, there is the fear of making it on their own. Ignoring what is obvious makes it possible for them to continue in the marriage, even for a little while, to make plans on what to do.

Some decide to stay and try to work things out. If the unfaithful spouse is truly repentant,  (admitting wrong done, asking forgiveness, and not doing it anymore), they get some marital counseling, and both spouses are willing to work on changing things, it can work. I have seen it work. But there is a level of trust that will need to be worked up  to again.

Mrs. Spitzer has a lot of decisions to make. She needs support for whatever she decides to do, and she needs our prayers, not our condemnation if she doesn’t handle things the way we think she should.

Governor Spitzer, also needing our prayer, needs to be held accountable for whathe has done, both on a personal level, and on a public level.

Consequences, even for people in power.

infidelity, affair, marriage, marriage problems, Spitzer, Governor

Read about why wives may stand by their men, even in the public eye, when they have been the victimof infidelity.

Personal choices can be hard to make, but in the midst of the public, how much harder. Being faithful to an unfaithful spouse, in support, encouragement, and helping them deal with what is being said and written about them- then the decisions of what to do about the marriage.