Marital Talk

The other night I was having coffee with a friend, and the subject of encouragement came up. My fiancé tends to be incredibly self-motivated, and while I always know when to cheer him on from the sidelines, I’ve never had to be the one to encourage him to get started on a new project, or help keep him motivated when he loses his mojo.

Recently, however, he’s wanted to start a new project but has expressed his lack of motivation to get it going. I know that, if he doesn’t do this thing, he will feel bad about it later, but am completely stuck as to how to get him motivated. If I try the classic “coach” approaches, he responds by pulling farther away from getting motivated, which is the opposite of what I’d wanted!

My friend told me that, with her husband, in times of stress he tends to lose his motivation. And with the wedding impending, and approaching fast, there’s a lot of stress thrown around the house. Her thought was that if The Monkey were like her husband, then the project might just not get started until after the wedding. When there’s less stress, he may feel more likely to self-motivate and get going towards this goal.

While that makes sense, the goal is somewhat time oriented, and to start it in early April could be cutting it close. So I’ve still got to try to get him motivated enough to start. I know that once he’s on the path, he’ll be virtually self-motivated, and I can go back to the role I feel comfortable in – that of cheerleader.

What are some ways you’ve helped to motivate a spouse? Any suggestions to help him find his mojo?

I know I complain about him alot. but I’m going to tell you, he really rocks my world most of the time.  For instance, right now, I an incredibly sick.  I’ve been in bed almost non-stop for 4 days and I’m going to the doctor yet again tomorrow.  That would be GOING TO THE DOCTOR YET AGAIN TOMORROW.

I have been to the doctor so much lately it isn’t funny.  If we didn’t have to pay doctor visit co-pays and prescription medication co-pays, we could have a lot more than we have…and we aren’t doing without honestly.  But, my husband never complains.  He realizes that medication alone runs in the neighborhood of $300 a month, then you figure my 3 or 4 visits a month because of these doggone sinus infections, and it is not pretty.

So, tomorrow, I go to the doctor YET AGAIN and I am going to request that I have sinus surgery again.  I had surgery in the early 90’s and I didn’t have sinus issues for a long time after that.  And, with many different things going on right now, surgery is a scary option.

We are scheduled to do wedding photos on the 13th of December so I can’t very well be sick then nor can I be recuperating from a surgery.   So, what should I do, I go to the doctor tomorrow and hope that he can do the surgery now!!!!  This week would be great!

I know my awesome husband will be there with me, every step of the way, making it easier for me to get by.

My husband and I don’t work well together.  He prefers to work alone and that’s no secret.  As a matter of fact, it isn’t just me that he doesn’t like working with, he simply doesn’t like to work with anyone.  One reason is because he is really smart.  And, when you are that smart, it is frustrating to work with folks who don’t understand what you are trying to do.

Add to that the fact that I can’t lift very much because of my back surgery from a few years ago and my husband is left to work on his own most of the time anyway.  And, well, there’s the never ending relapses of mono….argh!

Anyway, part of this remodeling has been removing a tub and putting in a jacuzzi.  I helped get it in the house but I’m telling you, it was not an easy task.  We smashed each other fingers and toes, we had to turn it this way and that way, but he never got upset with me, he just kept saying, "ok, let me know when you are ready."

Anyway, once we got it into the bathroom, which was not an easy task mind you, we had to get it into the frame.  That wasn’t easy either but we did it.  He climbed around on all sides and we pushed and shoved and all that.

But, it had a leak….on the backside…yea wouldn’t it figure.  So, he had to figure out a way, while I was sick, to get that leak fixed because this man loves himself a jacuzzi.  So, here’s the contraption that allowed the man to work on the tub while I was in bed crying my eyes out over pain, not to mention the saws and smells of caulking and all that.

Yes, I know, the entire site is about marriage so certainly love is included.  But, let me tell you about  my husband.  He is a packrat, he is cluttered, he is unorganized and none of that bothers him in the least.  And, I am totally the opposite.  Organization is my love, well I mean, besides him.

Either way, I’ve been sick.  And, if you’ve ever had to take care of sick people, you know that it takes undying love to do this.  We are knee deep in this remodeling stuff that I mentioned weeks ago.  Last weekend was my deadline for finishing the front deck and our family room.  Except, I was sick.  That wouldn’t be too big of a deal except, the kids were sick too.

And, my mom would normally help with the boys even though they were sick would be fine and I could have just got out of the way instead of helping…except, my mom had a funeral to attend and so she wasn’t available. 

So, instead of finishing this remodeling project which has half of my family room pumpkin orange and the other half plain sheet rock that needs sanding, he was playing nurse to me and the boys.  It was not a pretty site.  And, of course, after we all did our illness recuperating, he got sick early in the week so he couldn’t work on the house then either. 

Now, it is Friday night, I’m still suffering from mono relapses which are enough to make anyone crazy and the boys are at my mom’s.  With that, he is suppose to be sanding and painting my family room.  Right?  Except, it is raining and he says you can’t paint while it rains. 

So, he is working on the floor in the bathroom which is another one of our remodeling projects.  No kidding. 

Anyway, when I was telling you about the love this man has for me, I also want to show you how smart he is, because I’ve told you but now I must show you.  He had done all of this alone. 

In the next post, I"m going to show you how he goes about doing the projects that he simply needs another healthy human being to work with him.

See how pretty the floor is……

Have I mentioned to you all that my husband and I don’t really argue.  I mean, we rarely disagree, we rarely even have minor problems.  I know that sounds crazy and I attribute all of that to my husband’s personality.  Definitely I am a little difficult to get along with, but my husband has the patience of job when it comes to people.  He does have a breaking point but he is much stronger than I am when it comes to tolerance.

So, if you are trying to work through disagreements or problems with your spouse, here’s a few tips from Ladies Home Journal.  First of all, understand the silences from your man.  Women tend to find silence uncomfortable while men find comfort in it.  And, then, women will read into a partner’s silence our own desires, fears and past experiences. 

It’s important to ask for what you need.  Men and women have different ideas of what it means to communicate.  Men tend to be problem-solvers and they do this silently.  They tend to go from saying here is the issue to here’s what we should do about it.  Women tend to bounce suggestions and possibilities around before coming to a solution. 

Phrase your questions so that you can get responses, not simple yes or no phrases.  And one of the more important issues is to learn to argue constructively.  Many men won’t say anything because past experience has taught them that past experiences have been criticized or blamed for past crimes.

Your partner may have learned to simply disengage all together as soon as you start talking.  make it a point to give him the floor, let him talk, let him tell you what is going on in his own mind.

One more important tip is to learn to appreciate the silences.  Most men are rarely considered the best friend of the wife so listen to the silence.  When a man takes his wife into his harms for along hug, shares in a joyful whoop with you or reaches for your hand in the car, he may be saying a great deal.

And, even though you have a preferred time for talking, you have to understand when the time is right for your husband as well.  And, if you try to talk to him at a time when he feels as if he is a captive audience, he will sometimes feel threatened.  Make sure when you do the talking, you do it when both partners are willing.

Sexual desire fluctuate because that just how life is.  And, the time of the relationship changes the different levels of desire.  When you first marry, after you have a child, when the kids leave home, when job pressures are bad, all of those times change the way we feel about sex and our attractiveness. 

Here’s a few tips to make your marriage sexy.  First and foremost remember that impotence is a common problem at every stage of marriage and can take months to clear.  Talking about the problem can help and wise couples recognize that it is a wake-up call but could be a signal of stress somewhere else in the relationship. 

Don’t save affection for the bedroom only.  My husband and I used to greet one another at the front door with hugs and kisses.  But, as the years wore on, we barely manage a kiss goodnight.  It’s important to make sure you don’t let go of the things that felt so good in the beginning.  Make time for love, make loving your mate a habit, you know, the more you do it, the more you like it.  Make sex a top priority even if it means scheduling sex. 

Talking to your mate every day, even if it is just for ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes at night can help the two of you stay close.  You can remember so much about your partner that you might otherwise forget.

As I mentioned above, my husband and I once greeted each other at the door with hugs and kisses.  Now, as I try to remember the last time we kissed, I’m reminded that kissing should be something you do often.  I’m not talking about the little peck that my husband just planted on my forehead, I’m talking about kissing as if you are making out in a dark theater.

If you are like me, your bed may have another body planted right between you and your spouse.  So, you have to be adventurous and find places other than behind a locked bedroom door for your sexual fun.  Break the rules that you’ve set for you and your spouse.  Get involved in an experiment with toys, videos and magazines.  And, finally and probably most importantly, learn to please your partner and make sure your partner knows what to do to please you as well.

Ok, so Ladies Home Journal has this online quiz.  I’m going to take it but first, I’m going to tell you that my marriage is fairly healthy.  In the grand scheme of things, I’d give it a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. I asked my husband who happens to be home today with a sick day and he said "7 or 8".  See, I am delusional. 

I’m going to take the quiz first and I may try to get him involved.  You can go take it as well, here.

Question 1:  We failed miserably.  Actually it wasn’t a good question fitting our family and lifestyle.

Question 2:  Spot on- we agreed

Question 3:  Again, we don’t go out without one another, so this doesn’t fit, but we both chose the same answer in a hypothetical situation.

Question 4:  We agreed with the key in this question being, "you an afford it" because the times we’ve had marital problems with spending was when we could NOT afford extras.

Question 5:  I definitely fail at this one miserably.  I am a story teller and love to make people laugh and the stuff my husband is down right laughable - he’s even laughing now that his answer to this question was the direct opposite of mine, lol.

Question 6:  The female instinct in me kicked in and I became immediately jealous and his answer was ‘kiss you goodbye and not worry anymore’.

Question 7:  We both answered this one the same but I’m not telling you which one right now.

Question 8: We agreed on this one out right, without a second nod.

Question 9:  I am the bully and the stubborn heifer in this couple, we agreed on what my decision would have been but differed on his.

Question 10:  This doesn’t fit us really because simply by process of elimination, we both came to the same answer.

Notice, I didn’t spoil the questions for you, you can take the test without any pre-fabricated ideas of what the ‘right’ answer should be. 

~~~~~~~~~~~This part below is just extra~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo compliments of my new found love for my new camera. I will return to doing some professional work, just on a very low scale.  I did the engagement photos for this couple (she is my cousin) and this is no where near one of the best photos, but is just the epitome of respect in my opinion. 

If you want to see a favorite one, let me see…

I’m getting ready to write a post for a contest.  The contest involves how my husband is the best candidate for 2008 Man of the Year.  I plan to write this one and follow the twelve step rule.  The rule is one I got from an editor which basically says that after writing the post, re-read it.  If at any time a change is made, then it must be read again.  When the post has been read 12 times and no changes made, then it is ready to be published. 

So, I’m going to give this a whirl and I’m also going to have an editor take a look at it.  So, soon I will be telling you all the wonderful things I can come up with as to why my husband should win this award.

He really has been a great husband and I know he is destined to win.

In my house this week marital anything has been non-existent.  I mean we’ve done everything that we normally do with our eyes closed basically.  We’ve approached nothing new, we’ve just sit back, rested and relaxed.

We’ve handled the kids in a much more relaxed manner than every before and even with each other, we just go about our business and work together.

This is called having a great husband.  I know, just a few days ago I was telling you how horrible he is.  But, the fact of the matter is this, when I am sick, he takes over.  I think that maybe the change in weather, plus some sheet rock dust and a little saw dust has worked together to put my sinus’s in a horrible place.

But, as usual, my husband has stepped up to the plate, along with my mother I might add, and let me just be sick.  And, so, I am selfish like that and I’m expecting you guys to do much the same, just let me be sick…and when I’m well, I’ll be back here with more "stuff".

There are many talented writers out there writing everyday about topics just like the stuff I’ve tried to broach here.  But, if you haven’t met Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored, then you have no idea what you are missing. 

Either way, here’s a link to one of her latest goodies

AIN’T NO SUNSHINE WHEN HE’S GONE

Go read, come back, tell me what you learned.

I’m waiting!

I think in the whole scheme of things, my husband and I do really well.  We are one of the couples that would be on the Amazing Race and bicker for one leg of the race and smooch the next.  If were on the show now, we would definitely be winning because my husband has such an eye for detail and all things mechanical that he could easily pull us ahead.

Finally, last night though, I was asked to write a post by the Parent Bloggers Network regarding what is well known in most households as "the man cave".  I was all over this one because I can so do this without thinking twice.  I’ll give you one photo, you’ll have to go read the post to get the rest.

1.  my scanner…which should be in my desk in my family room?

2.  an old monitor…from?

3.  Roboraptor which my kids received for Christmas 3 years ago and both are terrified of him

4.  a printer?

5.  a DVD/VCR player

6.  Look!  Another VCR player

7.  a bin full of…..papers, diploma’s and the like

8.  blinds taken down out of my family room while we are remodeling that should have been tossed in the garbage???

9.  bin full of Thomas the Train trains and track

10.  another bin of Thomas the Train trains and track

11.  a filing cabinet full of my daycare stuff

12.  bin full of VCR tapes and DVD’s

13.  bin full of daycare papers

14.  bin full of ????????/who knows

15.  clothes for good will that he was going to take ……….weeks ago

16.  more good will clothes

Ok, well that little spell of flaming rudeness is over.  I’ve recovered and all is well on the home front.  That’s the most important part anyway, I do declare. 

That doesn’t mean that I don’t need my husband to step up and do his part with the emotional and mental responsibilities in our house.  I mean, it is no easy task just to keep up with the checkbook, never mind keeping up with what has to be paid and when.  And, so it goes, we will discuss this again in counseling. 

And, one other thing that I know has to be addressed is the manner in which he gets so disgusted and agitated with the kids.  However, the other night when I was experiencing a serious emotional havoc, he took over as always.  He makes it easy for me to just be emotionally unstable. 

And, I was in no way nice to him about it.  I kept asking him to please be nicer to the boys, please just talk a little nicer to them, all the while, I was being a complete pain to him.

So, Thursday will come, we will go to counseling and we will talk about it.  Then, after that, who knows?

Cross posted all over the place, just letting you know…

I have a very close cyber-buddy (I mean, you know, as close as two people can be in cyber space) and she has the most upbeat attitude that sometimes I wonder if maybe I need some of what she has stashed in her kool-aid drawer at home.  Either way, I’ve seen her make photos of thunderstorms and turn them into happy times.  She’ll pour a glass of wine and visit with the neighbor while the children play and she sits back with her wine and enjoys it all.

She’s been known to chase their dog around the neighborhood in her PJ’s and barely stops to wonder if anyone notices.  Basically, she just has a great attitude. 

Have I ever known her to not have a great attitude?  Of course I have, no one is that perfect all the time.  But, she knows how to block the punches, skip over the rocks and dunk under the timbers and land flat on her feet right in front of the river of rainbows.  Yea, she is that good.

Anyway, she has a new site up and running and in case you haven’t figured it out already, the site is Happiness Is The New Black.  I sent her a snarky little email asking her what she was trying to prove by not letting me in on the secrets of her blog life and she sent me packing to the about page and the submit page.   But, since I’m in such a grand ol’ mood, I’ll give you a quick blow by blow just in case you are interested in contributing.

In the about section, this quote summarizes the site for me, "True happiness is deep, pure and everlasting. It is subtle and it is popular because we all share an intrinsic need for it."  And, with that, you can share your happiness or just read about the happiness of others.

The Submit section will answer questions for you like, How do I contribute?, What do I contribute? Why should I contribute? as well as the When’s? and How often’s.  Go on check it out, it could make for some serious emotional healing….happiness is contagious The New Black

I think I have a fairly secure system here.  Yes, we’ve had a few problems, don’t let anyone tell you that they don’t.  But, the fact of the matter is, prior to last Christmas or so, we really had never had any issues at all.  We simply snap together and work it.  I think what happened last winter was a huge wake-up call for both of us and now we can continue with making marriage work for us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried it a total of 4 times now, and I know a bad one when I see it.  When I read blogs online when women are discussing their husbands being abusive verbally, it rips at my very gut.  When I read blogs where women discuss the emotional and physical abuse they they endure for the sake of their children….I wonder how hard could it be to see through the clutter and the plain ugliness of it all.

I’m fortunate that there were no children involved in any of my marriages until now.  I think I was very fortunate to find a man who was childless as well.  We were roughly 34 and 33 years of age and most folks have at least had one child by that age and very rarely to those who haven’t find a partner that’s childless.

I was a step-child and I know exactly how difficult it is.  I was a physically, emotionally and verbally abused step-child too.  I am not just playing with words here when I tell you, I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.  And, I know how it feels to wonder why exactly your parent tolerates such nonsense.

I mean, I know my mother loved me.  I  know she knew he was abusive to me because he was equally abusive to her.  So why would she let that continue.  It took a really big scene for her to discover what was happening right before her eyes.  And, even still, I wonder sometimes. 

Anyway, I didn’t start this to write about that, I started it to tell you what a wonderful man I have.  Yes, he has his faults and well, ok, if you make me say it, I have faults too, but over-all, I think we make a pretty good match. 

I just thought it was time for a good story instead of stressed one and then I had to go and throw in the step-children stuff.  Oh well, just remember, good marriages do exist.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I wrote on my other blog Mental & Emotional Health about my desire to change anti-depressants due strictly to cost.  My co-pay for Cymbalta had jumped to $60 a month and I knew there had to be some alternatives that were cheaper.  Prozac is a long time friend of mine and I chose to try it again.  And, it is substantially cheaper at $15. 

Anyway, none of the switching would even be possible if my husband weren’t on board with the switch.  I mean, honestly, no one else is going to deal with you when you are cranky and rude and sleep 20 hours a day as you make the transition. 

My mom would hang around and support me for a little while, and most definitely she has helped by keeping Jace the last 2 days, but she would get agitated herself with me before the medication change happened.  My husband is the only person I know that is up for that challenge.

Part of his understanding comes from the fact that he just started an anti-depressant a couple of months ago and when he first started it, the change in him was obvious but his body just didn’t know exactly how to handle it all.  And, so he had that adjustment period to go through.  He understands where I’m coming from.

And, if you don’t have a husband like that…I suggest you find one, one that will be there for you in all situations….all the time.