Marital Talk

Yea, that’s right, we skipped the pool today.  Never mind that even with an indoor heated pool, I just can’t get into it when it is cold outside…don’t know why.

But, today has been one of those really odd days because…..I never went to sleep Sunday night and then last night or rather around 2:30 this morning I took a sleeping pill so I could go to sleep.  I’m not sure why I’m having such extreme difficulties with insomnia but I am. 

I have a wonderful husband and only because I have a wonderful husband, I slept finally.  He took the boys to the game room (which trust me was like heaven for him as well as them) while I slept off some of the sleeping pill and managed to get some rest.  I arose around 2:30 this afternoon when they returned.

Yes, that’s what you call a good husband people.  The man is amazing, miraculous and I am very lucky to be married to him.  Our children don’t have a clue how lucky they are to have a father who is as intelligent, loving, and thoughtful as theirs is.

I am about to take my insomnia induced headache to bed because he is trying to sleep right here beside me and I think my pecking on the computer is keeping him awake…OOPS!

See, I’m not near as good of a wife as he is a husband…

This is a photo from the wedding we shot a few weeks back…I thought since I was admiring my own husband in this post, this photo would be appropriate as well…

Because we’ve lived together already for two years, I assumed that when The Monkey and I got engaged we’d be able to make a rather seamless transition to fully sharing our finances. Most of our bills were already paid together, with only our personal debt and spending separated.

Apparently I completely underestimated the difficulty merging finances would cause, and I’ve learned a few things along the way. For those of you out there who are already married, feel free to add your tips and tricks into the comments.

First and foremost, I learned to assume nothing. While we both have been open about our debts, I learned that I didn’t have a definitive figure in mind when I sat down to approach a shared finances discussion. To me, knowing fully how much debt the other has was the first step towards creating a shared budget and figuring out how our money would be handled differently once we were married.

I learned very quickly that The Monkey wasn’t as comfortable having these conversations until we were actually married, a stance I found strange. But we decided to begin the conversations on budgeting and finances before the marriage license has been signed, agreeing to leave definitive numbers out and talking more in terms of general ideas and divisions.

This is where I ran into the second road block. I assumed we’d share all bills, and only have separate accounts for spending money. To me, this made sense as we’d be able to pool our finances easier, divide and conquer our debt easier, and really get things paid off faster. The Monkey, on the other hand, had assumed we’d keep things basically as they are.

With these two road blocks discovered, we’ve sort of stymied when it comes to money. We’ve agreed to combine more of our debt, although there are a few things that are still sticking points, and we’re stuck on how much spending money we should each get.

Because I have a decent idea of how much debt we’ll be combining together once we’re married, I’m pretty comfortable with leaving the conversation where it’s at for now, although I know many couples who didn’t walk down the aisle until they had all this stuff nailed down.

So what do you think? What are some good ways to approach money in marriage, knowing that finances are usually the biggest and most frequent fights in a marriage? Are there compromises I’m missing or thoughts I should hold fast to?

Robyn is guest posting at Marital Talk from her regular blog Craft and Found (www.craftandfound.com)

There are many rules that couples find they need to put up to make their marriage work.  And, one huge set of rules regards how to disagree, how to argue, how to fight fair if you will.  Here are few tips on the rules of fighting fair.

1. Remind yourself that it is okay to be angry, and don’t feel guilty about having angry feelings.  Women more than men grow up believing  it is unladylike and bitchy to express negative feelings. 
2. Try to understand that although you disagree with your mate, you are not enemies.  No matter how much love each other, the differences may trigger conflict.  Fighting fair means you will not attack each other - physically or verbally.  There is no hope in name-calling, cursing, screaming or blaming, neither is threatening separation or divorce.
3. Never use information you gained in confidence as a weapon in an argument.  If you do this, you betray the trust your spouse has gained and make it harder for him to feel emotionally safe.
4. Never leave the room until you are either in agreement that the argument is over or have chosen to take this up at a later time.
5. Be sure to acknowledge each other’s feelings and perceptions without being judgmental or critical.
   

When it comes to just saying, "yo, that hurt" or "hey, you are hurting my feelings" it seems to be a very difficult and daunting task.  But, we have to learn.  We do need to learn to say what we feel and make our point clear in order to accomplish the stable relationships that we desire. 

Here’s a quick exercise you can try.  You need to answer the two questions from your spouse’s point of view.  Answer them separately. 

1.  List 3 things you suspect your partner wants, needs, or feels that he or she is not telling you. 

2.  Now list 3 assumptions you believe your partner may be making about you.

Now, compare your answers and see if you even have a general idea of what it is that your spouse wants and needs and obviously, you can see if you have conveyed your wants and needs to him/her. 

After you have talked openly about the assumptions, you should be able to communicate a little better and hopefully avoid trouble in the future.

I think in general, you will find that women are pretty open to putting their feelings out there when they are comfortable. And, most women will even give you some indication of their feelings even in a situation with people they aren’t comfortable with. But, men, men in general won’t open up to the closest people in their lives. I’m assuming it goes back to that old adage that men need to be tough, and sometimes, being tough means spilling all your feelings.

I think in the whole scheme of things, my husband and I do really well.  We are one of the couples that would be on the Amazing Race and bicker for one leg of the race and smooch the next.  If were on the show now, we would definitely be winning because my husband has such an eye for detail and all things mechanical that he could easily pull us ahead.

Finally, last night though, I was asked to write a post by the Parent Bloggers Network regarding what is well known in most households as "the man cave".  I was all over this one because I can so do this without thinking twice.  I’ll give you one photo, you’ll have to go read the post to get the rest.

1.  my scanner…which should be in my desk in my family room?

2.  an old monitor…from?

3.  Roboraptor which my kids received for Christmas 3 years ago and both are terrified of him

4.  a printer?

5.  a DVD/VCR player

6.  Look!  Another VCR player

7.  a bin full of…..papers, diploma’s and the like

8.  blinds taken down out of my family room while we are remodeling that should have been tossed in the garbage???

9.  bin full of Thomas the Train trains and track

10.  another bin of Thomas the Train trains and track

11.  a filing cabinet full of my daycare stuff

12.  bin full of VCR tapes and DVD’s

13.  bin full of daycare papers

14.  bin full of ????????/who knows

15.  clothes for good will that he was going to take ……….weeks ago

16.  more good will clothes

If you remember, my husband had dental work done last Thursday.  That means that last Thursday at this time was the beginning of a weekend long of taking care of my husband.  He really doesn’t handle pain well. 

I don’t know that any of us handle pain well, but for him, that wee bit of dental work 3 fillings and 2 pulled teeth was way over his threshold of tolerance.  For me, that’s a let-me-sleep-it-off one day thing.  But, that’s him and not me.

He was forced to repay the care taking yesterday as I got out of bed on Tuesday with a horrendous sinus infection.  I wouldn’t go to the doctor though because I had a regular appointment on Wednesday..I would just tough it out.

What that eventually meant was a crawled to the doctor yesterday, got a shot and came home to hide beneath the covers in my dark cool bedroom.  My mom took care of the boys until Wayne arrived home and then he had them all to himself for dinner and bath.  Luckily  we don’t have homework for the kid on Wednesday nights.

Anyway, he did a wonderful job of handling the house, as usual.  I do find my tolerance level is not too great today and one side of my face is still puffy but, hey, I have good kids, a great husband and…look, I have all of you guys too!

My husband and I don’t share a lot in common in terms of hobbies and the like.  But, we do make a great team.  We were fortunate that we met when we were some what older, early 30’s, and had already given  up on the one and only soul mate thing.  We knew a fantasy when we saw one.  And, we also knew a teammate when we saw one as well.

This weekend we have laid low due to Wayne’s dental visit on Thursday.  But, we’ve worked so well as a team.  This will need bullets it is so cool:

• Thursday night after arriving home from dentist
  • he went to bed, I handled his normal bedtime routine with the kids
• Friday Morning
  • he laid in bed and on the sofa while I took the oldest to school and entertained the youngest
• Friday Afternoon
  • more laying around for him but I took the kids to a parade
• Friday Evening
  • he did some piddling on the new deck, my mom watched the boys for an hour or so and I worked (and rested)
• Saturday morning
  • I slept in, he dozed on the sofa and the boys played then the youngest went down with me for a nap, the oldest to his room for quiet time
• Saturday night
  • he went back to bed, I did the bedtime duties
• Sunday Morning
  • he got the boys off to church, then rested on the sofa, piddled with the deck and prepared to remodel the living room, just light activity though, while I slept and then worked
• Sunday afternoon
  • we all went into town together, we had a late lunch, then he took the boys to McD’s to play while he used their wifi to do some massive uploads on my blog and I did the weekly grocery shopping
• Sunday evening
  • we all came in, I got the boys calmed and in pj’s and he did bedtime routine, then the two of us worked on my stuff together

Yea, we totally rock the teamwork stuff.

Since my husband had that lovely dental visit, I had to do his job tonight and bath boys as well as get them to bed.  I never do this part.  I haven’t ever done it all by myself when my husband was home.  To be honest, I’ve never done it alone when he wasn’t because my mom would help me.

I know, I’m spoiled.  But, I did it tonight and our children are in their own beds, sleeping…just like every night when daddy does it.  Our referral to the marriage counselor was about my husband’s attitude.  Did we manage to work through that and get it together?  We sure did.  Although, I did have to say "if he keeps treating my kids like he has for the last 6 months, I want a divorce". 

But check that one off of the list of issues to discuss with counselor. CHECK.

The second issue was where our children slept.  Which was …in our bed. When we first discussed this Wayne told the counselor that he wanted them out of our bed but that I didn’t.  I told the counselor that what Wayne said was correct.  They don’t bother me when they sleep in our bed.  I also told the counselor that even though it didn’t bother me, I was willing to do what ever I had to do to get them out of our bed so that my husband would be happy.

You know, if it was that important to him, then as his wife, I needed to do what I had to do (since it wasn’t about harming my children or anything) to make my husband happy.  At that time, the counselor told us over and over and over and over again that "if you want this I can help you do it, but you both have to be in agreement" and he would let out this exasperated sigh.

I told him over and over and over again, I will do it even though it doesn’t bother me because it does bother my husband and I want him to be happy.  And, we bantered back and forth through about 3 sessions.

Today, I called the counselor out.  I said to him, "I knew from the look on your face that you didn’t believe I would do what ever I had to about the sleeping issue in order to make my husband happy".  He kind of half-laughed and asked me what I was meaning in particular.

The plan was that Wayne would put the kids to bed and no matter how bad they cried and begged to go to mommy’s bed, I would stay out of it and let him handle it.  I knew from the counselors face that he didn’t believe me when I said, "yes I will stay out of it.".

So ,I called him on it today.  After I explained it again, he kind of finally said "yes you are right, I’ll see you in two weeks, bye".  And again he laughed.

As he said in the very first session, counseling a counselor is simply  not an easy task.  HEHEHEHEHE

I say MY visit because I went alone.  It was nice.  We had a good chat and we checked off some of our goals that we set in the beginning.  We discussed where we were to go from here and I entered a few thoughts.

Then, we discussed my "mother hen" affect.  Yes, I’m sure you have already figured that out, I think I have to "fix" everything for my kids and…well….for my husband.

Today, he was at the dentist while I was at the counselor’s office.  When I finished at the counselors office, I had to go to the dentist office and talk with the dentist about the treatment plan.  While I was doing this, my husband had his ipod going and his ears plugged.  They had to do some below the gum cleaning and I asked if they could give him nitrous oxide for that because he had already told me he was too embarrassed to ask for that during the cleaning but that it really does bother him.

So, they did the cleaning with the laughing gas and he had previously taken a tiny crumb of a xanax.  So, we went to lunch and he went back to the dentist for his 2 and half hours worth of work.  When it was over, he called me to come pick him up and I was the one who went inside to pay the bill.

All he had to do was be there.  Just as if he were Jace or Walker.  I can’t help it.  He had to have so much work done because he is terrified of the dentist thus he hasn’t gone in a long time.  However, we did get out of there under $1K instead of my estimate of $2.5K.

Who budgeted that money?  Me.  Who knew how to pay for it?  Me.  I really am a pathetic case but I can’t help myself…..

Mental Note…stop it, stop it, stop mothering this 38 year old man stop it stop it!

I’m running a series of posts regarding children and their emotional and mental well-being as well as their physical well being.  I’m going to link to them but realize that some of the links won’t work until much later in the week.  But, the reason I believe they are appropriate here is this quote in The Case Against Homework by Sara Bennett and Nancy Kallish which I reference quite frequently in those posts simply as TCAH.

The premises is hard how children are being pushed in our world today.  There is much discussion about homework and children losing their childhood to school work instead of playing in the dirt or running around the playground.  Here’s the quote and it is in reference to children being pushed to score well on standardized tests.

"….Each year, up to twenty test booklet have to be discarded per day because children have thrown up on them"

Are you reading that?  They throw up over a standardized test that measures basically nothing.  While are we emotionally allowing schools to bully our children like this.  Here’s the other links and I’ll date them for you as to their availability.

September 28, 2008 - The Time is Now

September 28, 2008 - More of my silly comments about homework

September 29, 2008 - Some More ADD - TCAH - My Own Child

September 29, 2008 - Let me tell you a little story

September 30, 2008 - Here, Here, I say, here, here

September 30, 2008 - Oh and another real life story

September 30, 2008 - Oh and One more thing

October 1, 2008 - I Hope This is Not What My Future Holds

October 1, 2008 - The Case Against Homework - The Homework Potato

October 2, 2008 - Don’t even get me started on sleep

October 2, 2008 - Another Personal Rant

I’m cross posting this on my Mom is Teaching blog for obvious reasons.  Or at least I think they are obvious.

It relates to activity level of children and also their sleep habits.  You knew I couldn’t let it go that easily didn’t you? 

The Case Against Homework quotes an Early Childhood Education Professor named Olga Jarrett,

"When kids are not allowed a chance to be playful, that playfulness tends to come out in negative, disruptive ways."

I see this every day.  If Jace stays home with me, we stay indoors, he plays, I write, we read a book, we play, we eat, he plays, I write, we take a nap and when Walker gets home from school I swear it is like someone has fed him a hyper pill.  And, in the end, he gets in trouble.  Then, it is bedtime and he gets in more trouble.  It is a vicious cycle. 

Then, days like today (and most of this last week), the boys have played outside after Walker got out of school and Jace has been to my mom’s and played out doors some as well.  They come in, eat, take a bath and go to bed - exhausted.  And, they sleep well, remember.

Winter time is hard because it is more difficult to get him out and about for long periods of time and I’m sure it will affect Walker as well being cooped up in a classroom.

The bottom line goes like this:

an active child that gets the necessary physical activity does better when asked to do quiet activities and rests better after a day full of activity, mental and physical - pretty simple formula if you ask me.

My opinion goes back to a prior post where I said that my parents felt like it was my job to go to school and do homework and they didn’t intervene.  I feel very much like that.  The only job children should have is playing and learning and the more you can make learning look  like playing, the better off you and the child will be in the long run. 

My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on this all the time.  I mean, he has a hard time gripping the fact that when the boys have been cooped up, they need time to run wild and free.  And, if they don’t get that time, they become difficult and they simply aren’t sleepy at their normal bedtime. 

We are making progress, lots of progress, but it is a four-way battle every night; Daddy versus Mommy versus Walker versus Jace.  Every night….I can’t get Wayne to try to think like a 3 and 5 year old….should be easy, but in most cases, not so much.

Ok, stepping off my soap box.

I think I have a fairly secure system here.  Yes, we’ve had a few problems, don’t let anyone tell you that they don’t.  But, the fact of the matter is, prior to last Christmas or so, we really had never had any issues at all.  We simply snap together and work it.  I think what happened last winter was a huge wake-up call for both of us and now we can continue with making marriage work for us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried it a total of 4 times now, and I know a bad one when I see it.  When I read blogs online when women are discussing their husbands being abusive verbally, it rips at my very gut.  When I read blogs where women discuss the emotional and physical abuse they they endure for the sake of their children….I wonder how hard could it be to see through the clutter and the plain ugliness of it all.

I’m fortunate that there were no children involved in any of my marriages until now.  I think I was very fortunate to find a man who was childless as well.  We were roughly 34 and 33 years of age and most folks have at least had one child by that age and very rarely to those who haven’t find a partner that’s childless.

I was a step-child and I know exactly how difficult it is.  I was a physically, emotionally and verbally abused step-child too.  I am not just playing with words here when I tell you, I KNOW HOW IT FEELS.  And, I know how it feels to wonder why exactly your parent tolerates such nonsense.

I mean, I know my mother loved me.  I  know she knew he was abusive to me because he was equally abusive to her.  So why would she let that continue.  It took a really big scene for her to discover what was happening right before her eyes.  And, even still, I wonder sometimes. 

Anyway, I didn’t start this to write about that, I started it to tell you what a wonderful man I have.  Yes, he has his faults and well, ok, if you make me say it, I have faults too, but over-all, I think we make a pretty good match. 

I just thought it was time for a good story instead of stressed one and then I had to go and throw in the step-children stuff.  Oh well, just remember, good marriages do exist.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I wrote on my other blog Mental & Emotional Health about my desire to change anti-depressants due strictly to cost.  My co-pay for Cymbalta had jumped to $60 a month and I knew there had to be some alternatives that were cheaper.  Prozac is a long time friend of mine and I chose to try it again.  And, it is substantially cheaper at $15. 

Anyway, none of the switching would even be possible if my husband weren’t on board with the switch.  I mean, honestly, no one else is going to deal with you when you are cranky and rude and sleep 20 hours a day as you make the transition. 

My mom would hang around and support me for a little while, and most definitely she has helped by keeping Jace the last 2 days, but she would get agitated herself with me before the medication change happened.  My husband is the only person I know that is up for that challenge.

Part of his understanding comes from the fact that he just started an anti-depressant a couple of months ago and when he first started it, the change in him was obvious but his body just didn’t know exactly how to handle it all.  And, so he had that adjustment period to go through.  He understands where I’m coming from.

And, if you don’t have a husband like that…I suggest you find one, one that will be there for you in all situations….all the time.

One of the big problems in many marriages comes about when the children arrive.  That doesn’t mean the children aren’t loved or welcome, it just means that having a baby is hard, and it puts a lot of pressure on your marriage.  Once children are born, there is high  percent of romantic relationships that get pushed to the back.  And, the wend of the romantic relationship comes the end of a marriage most often than not.

As you know, a newborn sleeps alot but the constant feedings and changing of clothes and diapers along with all the other household duties is tiresome.  Sleep deprivation can and will kick in quickly.  But, even then, the newborn doesn’t require the parent’s attention 24 hour a day.  I know I know, the women are looking at me thinking "woman did you really have babies because you are crazy".  Yes, I had babies and yes I let my marriage slip in the romantic department.  But, things are looking up, their age helps a lot. 

The most important thing to remember is that the children are not the reason why the relationship between the husband and wife suffers.  It is the marital partner who controls his/her time and in turn controls how much time they spend working on their marriage. 

So, go ahead, give it a try, see what you think?  And, then, let me know, ok?

Willard F. Harley, Jr. Ph.D. wrote an article entitled Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other.  Obviously you can go read the entire article on that link but I’ll summarize a few key points and save you from the excess reading.  Basically Dr. Harley says the one thing that we all know but are inclined to let slide when the going gets tough.  Children need their parents.  And, children need their parents to stay married to one another and to love each other.

How hard can that be?  If you don’t know, just look around at the divorce rate that runs between 22 and 32% for 2007.  So, many kids don’t even know what it is like for their parents to be married to each other.  I remember nothing about my parents living in the same house, they divorced when I was four.  And, most obviously if they don’t stay married it is probably because they don’t love one another and believe it or not, that affects our children. 

Couples have to remember that they didn’t marry to simply have kids and watch them grow up.  Men and Women marry so they can meet one another’s intimate emotional needs.  Unfortunately, when children are added to the equation, men and women alike end to put their spouse on the back burner. 

Dr. Harley gives 2 ingredients of a romantic relationship - being in love and meeting intimate emotional needs.  The two go together and you can separate them to fit your thoughts or feelings.  If either one of the factors suffers, the other will also suffer.  That means that no matter how hard you work to raise good moral children, remember that the state of your marriage is fragile and you children need to know that is is stable.