Marital Talk

Every year my husband has worked late on Halloween.  One year, I did half the trick or treating with the kids by myself.  I hated it.  Either way, the time has normally changed before Halloween and folks would generally be out and about by 5 or 5:15 because it gets dark.  Well, since the time hasn’t changed, it was broad daylight still.

But, around 5:20 we loaded  up and headed to Nanny’s.  Because……………this year, the year that I was running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off going to party’s and school and the such, he gets off early. 

Normally we try to sneak a meal after trick or treating, this year, I brought home take-out.  I mean, honestly, this has been our best Halloween yet.

And, to leave you with a little blurb about how wonderful marriage and family…..my  mom put a lot of candy in the kids’s bags.s  But, she also put an Easter Egg in each one of their bags with the following note in it…

Yea, so trick that!

And, if you are wondering, there was plenty of candy in there to last us I’m sure for quite some time, but this year, I one house that we depend on to trick or treat or a orange soda of some kind was shut down. No one was home, lights were out. But, luckily, a different family member took up the policy and Capri Suns were doled out. Obviously with the weather like it is around here, Trick or Treating is a tough job with the heat, especially if you have on a big hot suit.

Yea, so trick that!

The scene:  in a restaurant where we were having dinner, the following conversation ensues….

"3.95 year old who is not potty trained" in other words, youngest kid says:  if mommy goes to jail it will be ok because we have Nanny"

Me:  hey, who said I was going to jail?

Youngest kid:  if I don’t buckle up my seatbelt you will go to jail

Me:  oh, yea, you are right about that

5.5 year old:  if you go to jail, I will be sad mommy

Me:  I know, mommy’s not going to jail baby

Husband:  I would be sad too

Me:  why?  I don’t do anything for you that anybody else can’t do

Husband:  True.  Except take care of the boys.

Lovely relationship we have, eh?

So, we made to our counseling session and when he asked, "so how’s it going?", my husband deferred to me for the answer.  And, so I told the counselor, "I got the kids to sleep in their bed all night not mr-I-will-beat-you-til-you-learn-to-sleep-in-your-bed-all-night-whether-you-want-to-or-not parent."

He got a good laugh out that as he seems to think I am against spanking.  I’ve yet to convince him I’m only against spanking when it isn’t necessary or I am only for spanking when it is necessary.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, our new goal, potty training our 3.95 year old son who hasn’t succumb to spankings, or bribing, or envy or…..anything for that matter.

His suggestion:  look up strong willed children and potty training.

My husband got a good laugh and said, "that won’t work because the first 5 or 6 links you get will be to her blogs".  Yea, that’s pretty funny.  No, it isn’t funny at all that my son who will be 4 next month refuses to use the potty.

So, that’s that.  In a nutshell. 

As you all know, we started counseling because my husband and I had some difficulties.  One of those was the fact that we had children who slept in our bed.  Here’s how the story worked:

Prior to the first child (which lasted from August of 2001 until January of 2003):

Then, from January 2003 until November 2004:

Then, from November 2004 til October 13, 2008

The last two nights:

So, today we go to counseling……..

Ok, well that little spell of flaming rudeness is over.  I’ve recovered and all is well on the home front.  That’s the most important part anyway, I do declare. 

That doesn’t mean that I don’t need my husband to step up and do his part with the emotional and mental responsibilities in our house.  I mean, it is no easy task just to keep up with the checkbook, never mind keeping up with what has to be paid and when.  And, so it goes, we will discuss this again in counseling. 

And, one other thing that I know has to be addressed is the manner in which he gets so disgusted and agitated with the kids.  However, the other night when I was experiencing a serious emotional havoc, he took over as always.  He makes it easy for me to just be emotionally unstable. 

And, I was in no way nice to him about it.  I kept asking him to please be nicer to the boys, please just talk a little nicer to them, all the while, I was being a complete pain to him.

So, Thursday will come, we will go to counseling and we will talk about it.  Then, after that, who knows?

Since my husband had that lovely dental visit, I had to do his job tonight and bath boys as well as get them to bed.  I never do this part.  I haven’t ever done it all by myself when my husband was home.  To be honest, I’ve never done it alone when he wasn’t because my mom would help me.

I know, I’m spoiled.  But, I did it tonight and our children are in their own beds, sleeping…just like every night when daddy does it.  Our referral to the marriage counselor was about my husband’s attitude.  Did we manage to work through that and get it together?  We sure did.  Although, I did have to say "if he keeps treating my kids like he has for the last 6 months, I want a divorce". 

But check that one off of the list of issues to discuss with counselor. CHECK.

The second issue was where our children slept.  Which was …in our bed. When we first discussed this Wayne told the counselor that he wanted them out of our bed but that I didn’t.  I told the counselor that what Wayne said was correct.  They don’t bother me when they sleep in our bed.  I also told the counselor that even though it didn’t bother me, I was willing to do what ever I had to do to get them out of our bed so that my husband would be happy.

You know, if it was that important to him, then as his wife, I needed to do what I had to do (since it wasn’t about harming my children or anything) to make my husband happy.  At that time, the counselor told us over and over and over and over again that "if you want this I can help you do it, but you both have to be in agreement" and he would let out this exasperated sigh.

I told him over and over and over again, I will do it even though it doesn’t bother me because it does bother my husband and I want him to be happy.  And, we bantered back and forth through about 3 sessions.

Today, I called the counselor out.  I said to him, "I knew from the look on your face that you didn’t believe I would do what ever I had to about the sleeping issue in order to make my husband happy".  He kind of half-laughed and asked me what I was meaning in particular.

The plan was that Wayne would put the kids to bed and no matter how bad they cried and begged to go to mommy’s bed, I would stay out of it and let him handle it.  I knew from the counselors face that he didn’t believe me when I said, "yes I will stay out of it.".

So ,I called him on it today.  After I explained it again, he kind of finally said "yes you are right, I’ll see you in two weeks, bye".  And again he laughed.

As he said in the very first session, counseling a counselor is simply  not an easy task.  HEHEHEHEHE

I’m running a series of posts regarding children and their emotional and mental well-being as well as their physical well being.  I’m going to link to them but realize that some of the links won’t work until much later in the week.  But, the reason I believe they are appropriate here is this quote in The Case Against Homework by Sara Bennett and Nancy Kallish which I reference quite frequently in those posts simply as TCAH.

The premises is hard how children are being pushed in our world today.  There is much discussion about homework and children losing their childhood to school work instead of playing in the dirt or running around the playground.  Here’s the quote and it is in reference to children being pushed to score well on standardized tests.

"….Each year, up to twenty test booklet have to be discarded per day because children have thrown up on them"

Are you reading that?  They throw up over a standardized test that measures basically nothing.  While are we emotionally allowing schools to bully our children like this.  Here’s the other links and I’ll date them for you as to their availability.

September 28, 2008 - The Time is Now

September 28, 2008 - More of my silly comments about homework

September 29, 2008 - Some More ADD - TCAH - My Own Child

September 29, 2008 - Let me tell you a little story

September 30, 2008 - Here, Here, I say, here, here

September 30, 2008 - Oh and another real life story

September 30, 2008 - Oh and One more thing

October 1, 2008 - I Hope This is Not What My Future Holds

October 1, 2008 - The Case Against Homework - The Homework Potato

October 2, 2008 - Don’t even get me started on sleep

October 2, 2008 - Another Personal Rant

I’m cross posting this on my Mom is Teaching blog for obvious reasons.  Or at least I think they are obvious.

It relates to activity level of children and also their sleep habits.  You knew I couldn’t let it go that easily didn’t you? 

The Case Against Homework quotes an Early Childhood Education Professor named Olga Jarrett,

"When kids are not allowed a chance to be playful, that playfulness tends to come out in negative, disruptive ways."

I see this every day.  If Jace stays home with me, we stay indoors, he plays, I write, we read a book, we play, we eat, he plays, I write, we take a nap and when Walker gets home from school I swear it is like someone has fed him a hyper pill.  And, in the end, he gets in trouble.  Then, it is bedtime and he gets in more trouble.  It is a vicious cycle. 

Then, days like today (and most of this last week), the boys have played outside after Walker got out of school and Jace has been to my mom’s and played out doors some as well.  They come in, eat, take a bath and go to bed - exhausted.  And, they sleep well, remember.

Winter time is hard because it is more difficult to get him out and about for long periods of time and I’m sure it will affect Walker as well being cooped up in a classroom.

The bottom line goes like this:

an active child that gets the necessary physical activity does better when asked to do quiet activities and rests better after a day full of activity, mental and physical - pretty simple formula if you ask me.

My opinion goes back to a prior post where I said that my parents felt like it was my job to go to school and do homework and they didn’t intervene.  I feel very much like that.  The only job children should have is playing and learning and the more you can make learning look  like playing, the better off you and the child will be in the long run. 

My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on this all the time.  I mean, he has a hard time gripping the fact that when the boys have been cooped up, they need time to run wild and free.  And, if they don’t get that time, they become difficult and they simply aren’t sleepy at their normal bedtime. 

We are making progress, lots of progress, but it is a four-way battle every night; Daddy versus Mommy versus Walker versus Jace.  Every night….I can’t get Wayne to try to think like a 3 and 5 year old….should be easy, but in most cases, not so much.

Ok, stepping off my soap box.

Well, all that hoopla surrounding the how’s and why’s of getting our children to sleep in their own bed was for naught.  No it wasn’t really, it was extremely helpful.  Here’s the pieces of advice we took, modified and used to get the boys to the point where we are now.

1. We took away their night time TV.  Oh it wasn’t easy.  We gave them 3 nights warning which is basically how we handle everything.  We learned a long time ago that my children will do almost anything if you give them fair warning.  So, we counted down the nights and now there is no TV prior to bedtime.
2. We took away their night time "take a sippy of milk and water to bed".  Now they have no reason to come out of their room.  They would use that as an excuse.
3. I allowed my husband to force them to stay in their room and I did not intervene.  It worked.  It was painful, but it worked.
4. Wear them down.  Activities, activities, exercise and more exercise.  The more tired they are, the easier they fall asleep and the harder and more sound they sleep.

It isn’t great, at least one still makes his way to our room during the night but the last 2 nights, one has stayed in his own bed all night and the other has come into our bed after 5 AM or so. 

So, hey, I’ll take it!

One of the big problems in many marriages comes about when the children arrive.  That doesn’t mean the children aren’t loved or welcome, it just means that having a baby is hard, and it puts a lot of pressure on your marriage.  Once children are born, there is high  percent of romantic relationships that get pushed to the back.  And, the wend of the romantic relationship comes the end of a marriage most often than not.

As you know, a newborn sleeps alot but the constant feedings and changing of clothes and diapers along with all the other household duties is tiresome.  Sleep deprivation can and will kick in quickly.  But, even then, the newborn doesn’t require the parent’s attention 24 hour a day.  I know I know, the women are looking at me thinking "woman did you really have babies because you are crazy".  Yes, I had babies and yes I let my marriage slip in the romantic department.  But, things are looking up, their age helps a lot. 

The most important thing to remember is that the children are not the reason why the relationship between the husband and wife suffers.  It is the marital partner who controls his/her time and in turn controls how much time they spend working on their marriage. 

So, go ahead, give it a try, see what you think?  And, then, let me know, ok?

Willard F. Harley, Jr. Ph.D. wrote an article entitled Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other.  Obviously you can go read the entire article on that link but I’ll summarize a few key points and save you from the excess reading.  Basically Dr. Harley says the one thing that we all know but are inclined to let slide when the going gets tough.  Children need their parents.  And, children need their parents to stay married to one another and to love each other.

How hard can that be?  If you don’t know, just look around at the divorce rate that runs between 22 and 32% for 2007.  So, many kids don’t even know what it is like for their parents to be married to each other.  I remember nothing about my parents living in the same house, they divorced when I was four.  And, most obviously if they don’t stay married it is probably because they don’t love one another and believe it or not, that affects our children. 

Couples have to remember that they didn’t marry to simply have kids and watch them grow up.  Men and Women marry so they can meet one another’s intimate emotional needs.  Unfortunately, when children are added to the equation, men and women alike end to put their spouse on the back burner. 

Dr. Harley gives 2 ingredients of a romantic relationship - being in love and meeting intimate emotional needs.  The two go together and you can separate them to fit your thoughts or feelings.  If either one of the factors suffers, the other will also suffer.  That means that no matter how hard you work to raise good moral children, remember that the state of your marriage is fragile and you children need to know that is is stable.

I couldn’t exactly come up with the right word for what our weekend could be described with so I just stuck with "stuff".  I wrote last week about how this weekend we unconsciously approaching it much differently than we ever have before.  For instance, on Friday night, I got my manicure and pedicure and that was 2 nights in a row that my  husband handled bedtime without me even being home.  That’s really unusual.  He usually handles the biggest part of bedtime stuff anyway, but the boys always lay on me quite a bit before giving in for bed.  And, I wasn’t around for that.

Then, Saturday morning I ventured out to Walmart with the two boys in tow.  Yes, something I haven’t done in so long that I don’t even recall the last time I did that.  They boys were absolute gems.  I mean, they acted 3 and 5 but you know, you have to do what you have to do.  Once home, the day basically was kind of normal.  Our five-year-old and husband messed around outside where my husband was building a new deck (and tearing down an old one) and my three-year-old and I took a nap.

Napped and I took the boys to a birthday part alone.  I don’t do that either.  If the party had been going to be inside someone’s house, I would never try it.  But, out in the open, where they could run and be loud, I figured I could handle it.  And I did.

Our weekend concluded when we sent the boys to church with my mom and we went for breakfast alone.  Wayne came home to work on the new porch/deck and I headed back into town for a haircut.  And, listen here, it is just doggone cute.

Again, very uncharacteristic of us but I went to my mom’s to stay for a while and then eat lunch.  Wayne kept working on the deck.  Once the boys were home it was a little more difficult because the boys want to play in all the junked up rotten wood.  Only one minor scrape and we were lucky.

Back inside, I did baths (I never do baths) while Wayne finished up outside unloading stuff and putting our front door back on, we painted it.  I put boys to bed (usually his job) and we close the night be watching something he likes on TV while I write. 

So, for a weekend that we didn’t plan out at all (which is unlike me too, I like plans), I think we did a pretty doggone good job of "different".  I guess sometimes diversity is a good thing! 

Normally my husband and I do almost everything together.  It has been a very rare occasion that we’ve gone separate ways when he is off work.  However, last night I was feeling overwhelmed with the 3 year old’s behavior as well the counselor pretty much let me know that he felt like part of the problem I was describing was I am over-bearing.

Over-bearing?  I won’t really argue with that.  But, as much as I am over-bearing, my husband is laid-back.  My style is sit back, tell the boys to stop doing something after they’ve become obnoxious and then really lower the boom.  I prefer to simply keep them on track as the events transpire. 

The counselor basically said that I had to back off and give him a chance to parent.  He said I had trained my husband to parent that way. 

Anyway, on Thursday night I sent him to Home Depot and home with the boys and I got my manicure and pedicure.  Alone, just me and my book.  Friday night he is at home depot actually buying the lumber he priced last night and I hit McDonald’s for the boys to play before getting them a haircut and heading home. 

Saturday the boys will either be cooped up inside the house with me while my husband dismantles the deck and rebuilds one (once it is down, we won’t be able to get out of the house without jumping six feet).  If my mom is better the kids will go spend a little time with her but mostly they will be in the house with me (and my parenting style), outside in the yard with my husband (and his parenting style and please don’t let them get hurt because of his negligence) or with my mom and her even more laid back style.

It is no wonder these children are confused about what is acceptable behavior.

I generally feel guilty when I indulge in myself.  By indulge I mean spend money on myself in a way that is not beneficial to my entire family.  I’m not sure why I feel this way, but my mom never took time for herself and rarely bought things for herself so I guess I took after her. 

The thing is, when we owned the daycare, I rarely felt like I needed to have "time" away, or that I needed "speciality care".  But, when I have my 3 year old with me all day and he and I just battle one another all day long, I have to have some time to myself.  And, I generally feel guilty for anything I do for myself. 

Today we went to therapy and we had to carry the boys with us due to sitter issues.  So, we had our two boys with us when we went to therapy where we talked about those little cherubs.  Disciple was a big topic during this session, more so than any of our others. 

Then, after a 3-year-old meltdown, we headed to dinner.  When dinner was almost over, my husband suggested that he would take one kid and go get lumber prices for our new deck if I would take the other.  I quickly said, "I was thinking you would take them both and I would go get a pedicure".  And, immediately the guilt set in.

I did go get my pedicure but I also checked with my husband several times because I felt like a bad person for leaving him to deal with both kids.  It isn’t that the boys are that difficult, but I did leave him to handle bedtime alone. 

I know I know, it didn’t hurt anything, but mommy guilt is serious business.

Discuss.

My marriage is very rarely on rocky terms.  I don’t say that with a cocky attitude nor do I take my marriage lightly.  I’ve been married three times prior, I know it can go south fast.  But, as I’ve mentioned to you lately, one of the biggest issues happens to be our children want to sleep in bed with us. 

We had been following a plan we set up with our counselor last time we say him which was, "Wayne would handle getting the boys to bed and forcing them to stay in their bed and I would not intervene."  Yes, I hate to hear them cry, I would give in and let them go to bed with me when they wanted to.  I mean, I can only take so much crying.

Finally, after posting all over the web on Friday about this issue and promising myself that I would take the advice of many of the comments, I realized that my point was, I wasn’t willing to listen to them cry again starting Sunday night.  (Friday and Saturday nights are camp out nights in the living room floor and they don’t usually cry those nights). 

I read the following comment to my husband on Sunday afternoon,

They are crying because they have a need that is not being met. When Sunniemom says that it’s manipulation, that seems to me to be a very unkind thing to assume about a child. Very unkind indeed. And it also completely misconstrues the intent. Yes, children have needs and cry in order to express their feelings. They hope that their needs will be met. Assuming they are manipulation is just a way to put *your* preferences first, and to create a needless power struggle between you and your child.

When ever I wonder if the way that I am treating my child is right, I imagine that it is my husband instead. If your husband was crying in another room at night, whether for being lonely or just wanted to be with you, would you *ignore* his cries? Would you insist on him sleeping alone regardless of his feelings? Is so, I would wonder about how long the marriage would last. Unfortunately, children cannot escape our cruelty.

If you are having trouble standing up to the counselor, why not familiarize yourself with a copy of some of Dr. Sears’ writings on The Family Bed, and maybe print out some information on the benefits of sharing sleep with your children? I think that once you give up the power struggle and let yourself relax into enjoying your children’s company (even at night), you will find yourself a lot happier.

BTW: most counselors of from the school of thought that children need “behavior modification” (e.g. they should be trained like dogs at a dog training school). You may have to look much farther to find someone who is more attachment-parenting oriented, and who is willing to respect your very legitimate intuitions when you sense your crying child is suffering.

 

He agreed that if they had tried to go to sleep and simply couldn’t and were crying hard enough that it seemed cruel BY MY STANDARDS, then he would back off and let me handle it.  Both boys fell asleep in their beds last night and tonight without a tear.  Without one tear!