Marital Talk

I am one of the few people who can honestly say that an onslaught of stress doesn’t effect me at the time it is occurring.  Death’s in the family, accidents by family members, children going extreme on their behavior or simply time crunches just don’t bother me.  Right then.  I don’t mind running from one activity to another.  Although, as I’ve aged, I like it less and less because I’ve found I love a good afternoon nap.  Basically what happens is I do just fine in the moment, then in a few weeks, usually 10 days or so, I have a break down.  I hit bottom and have to work my way back out of the funk.

My husband is directly the opposite.  He likes running from one activity to another, as long as they are his kind of activities and the kids aren’t acting up.  But, for the most part, the kind of dodging of bullets that we do with our time, he gets irritated.  He prefers to just quit doing any of it and not bother with even trying.  Now, that, that I can’t handle even in the moment.  I need someone to carry 50% of load or none of it.  Just helping 75% doesn’t do me any good because I don’t know when the help is coming.

When we owned the daycare, we didn’t necessarily argue but we jabbed at one another the whole weekend.  We would go about daycare work and just border on being rude to one another.  Stress will make you say and do things you wouldn’t necessarily do otherwise.

Well, I told you all that to say, this past weekend was wonderful.  We just gelled as a couple.  Lazy Friday night with take-out, he laid around all morning Saturday, I slept 9:30 or so and then ran some errands.  He put the boys down for a nap and then napped himself.  When I arrived home, the boys were awake and he happily took back the child care duties and allowed me a nap.  Then, we hit the local fair, you can read more about that here.    Then, Sunday, I slept til 11, he got the boys dressed for church and then snoozed himself.  We had lunch together with no children and then home for another nap.  The boys returned home from a day with the Nanny and the rest of the night just smoothly sailed right into bedtime.  The two of us then sat on the sofa, surfed and watched TV.

Now, weekends like this, we have a little more difficulty in making decisions on what to do and when to do it, having too much time on your hands is just not something we are accustom to.  But, really, there was no rude remarks or jabs at one another for something silly. 

It was nice to have a stress free weekend with my husband, my kids and just breeze through, only doing what we wanted to do.  Yes, my grass is 3 feet tall but it was raining yesterday so, what can you do?  Yes, my laundry is piled a mile high but I can do that today while I work.  So, what does that leave?  It leaves everyone refreshed and ready for a new week. 

I sure hope this becomes a routine because I sure to like just being calm, doing simple things and letting life happen around us. 

And you?  What happened over your weekend?  Relax?  Work?  Your Spouse?  Children?

`Yes, I know there aren’t that many posts here about this matter, but…well, it is starting to be a really old issue.  Here’s a bit of information, just in case you forgot (as if anyone could forget this horror of horrors).

They go to bed fine.  They watch about 15 minutes of Blue’s Clues or Thomas the Train (I insist on these two because the others are too active, those two should bore anyone to sleep).  When it goes off, usually one of them is asleep.  It doesn’t matter though, it happens if one is asleep or their both awake.  After another fifteen minutes or so, they start asking if they can go to "momma’s bed".

Side Note:  I don’t know why they say it the way they do but it is "momma’s bed" and "momma’s bathroom" although Wayne and I both sleep and bath in the respective rooms. 

When we spoke to the counselor about this, he said, "tell them no and put them back in bed".  And, Wayne said that he would do that but I would give in after they got up a few times.  So, I agreed to let him handle it.  Well, here’s my analogy, correct me if I’m wrong….

Human Beings cry when they are unhappy, correct?  And, my children are crying, so that means they are unhappy, correct?

I am an only child.  I remember having insomnia as far back as age eight.  I couldn’t stand my mom’s new husband and I would lie in bed for hours sometimes.  And, I would cry.  I hated being alone.  And, I would cry.  So, what I said about my children crying, that means they are unhappy right?  By the way, the counselors words to me when I explained my thoughts on this matter were "don’t project that onto your children, that was you, not them."

 

Is there anyone out there who see’s this with their children or did when their children were young.  Remember, my kids are 3 and 5.  Just curious if anyone has any thoughts on the matter.

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I certainly do not wish to alienate anyone and this is not a male bashing post.  What I am interested in learning is how to prepare my two young boys as they grow and learn to cope with the outside world.  The fact of the matter is this, my husband depends on me for a great deal of the family responsibility.  No, he works, he his the bread winner but he has no clue how the money is spent.  A few months back I insisted that he take charge of the checkbook and the bills and see if he could manage any better than I could.

Thus far, he is slowly slipping out of the responsibility and I am taking over once again.  I know that part of that is related straight to our personality types.  I am a type A perfectionist, he is more laid back and is a horrible at time management.  He was in the army where he had to be responsible for himself so I know he can do it.  When he returned from the army, he had to get a job and find a place to live, etc and he did just fine. 

Later he married and he let his first wife handle all things that related to the responsibility factor while he merely sat around and let her work it out at her own discretion.  And, here now, 10 years later and he is doing the same thing. 

As it is right now I make his doctor’s appointments, I take care that his blood pressure medication and ADD medication are filled and refilled at the right time and as it stands, I’m back to handling the finances.  I make the decisions on the children’s health, dental, school and schedules even.

So, what I’m wondering is this, how do I foster a sense of independence and responsibility in my two sons as they grow so that I do not have a son who can’t even remember when to take his own medication?  I know that my father is the reason I have the attitude that I have but he isn’t around for me to ask and who knows, he might not have a clue what to do with my wee tots in this generation.  So, I come to you, any suggestions?

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Just curious, who handles homework duty at your house?  For the most part, I only hear women discussing "homework duty" and I’ve never read about or spoken with a dad who homeschooling.  So, I"m curious, how does it play out at your house?

I end up being the homework person thus far which not only irritates me from the standpoint that my son is only in kindergarten and I can’t figure out why in the heck he even has homework, but why is it my responsibility?  I’ve written a post about this subject as it relates to ones mental and emotional health over here as well as the whole idea of kindergarten children having homework seeming absurd over here. 

And, like I said, in my house, I’m the one who ends up handling homework duties because obviously a kindergarten child can’t do it alone.  My husband says that since I am a teacher anyway, homework should be my responsibility.  I say that our children need to see that both of us are involved in their education and that he too needs to take part in homework now and again.

My husband has an IQ over 170 and there is so much he could teach our children, but he simply says he doesn’t have the patience for it.  Our oldest son is going to be much like his father so I just think he should get more involved. 

And…at your house?

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Having my children sleep in my bed does not bother me.  I’ve mentioned that before.  My husband however doesn’t like it, he not feels that it keeps the two of us apart, he says he doesn’t sleep well when the two of them crash our bed around midnight.  The truth is, I don’t know what part of it bothers him the most because 9 times out of 10 he never even wakes up when they do get in our bed.

When my kids were babies, he would volunteer to get up with them for feedings.  But, I would have to wake him up or he wouldn’t even hear the baby crying.  So, I find it really hard to understand how he can be bothered by them now.  But, the fact of the matter is, he says it does.

Tonight, was particularly hard.  We have only been back from a week long vacation at the beach where the boys slept in another room, in a bed together and some nights they didn’t even come get in bed with us.  Last night Walker remembered it was "camp out night" (Friday and Saturday nights are camp out nights, they just didn’t realize Friday night that it was Friday night because of the schedule for the week being so messed up), and I offered to let him spend the night with my mom and he chose camp out night instead.

He finally fell asleep shortly before I was ready for bed.  Jace fell asleep on the sofa, Walker in the camp out area and my husband and I went to bed.  When we got in bed, we both promptly fell asleep on our respective sides of the bed. 

So, how is it that it can bother him so bad if one or both of the boys come to our bed?  He brags about sleeping near a runway for several weeks during Desert Storm.  He also brags about working swing shift and learning to "sleep when you had a chance."  But now, now for some reason he is constantly complaining about these two beautiful babies sleeping in the Marital Bed.  How can that be?

Anyone?

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Being a part of team isn’t always.  I’ve been part of athletic teams, academic teams, employee teams and I’ve attempted the marital team 3 times prior to this final fourth marital team.  I’m not sure what makes this marital team work so much better than any before, but we really do work well. 

I’m not real sure I believe in the whole "one and only soul mate" because I’ve connected with many people over the years.  I guess my first real connection was with the two girls that I’ve been friends with since we were 14 years old. 

We were all born  in the 1968.  Cheryl in March, e in September and Connie in October.  Thus, if you do the math, this is the year we all turn 40.  Another connection is one I had with a guy in high school.  We barely spoke to one another the first 2 years of high school.  But, as class sizes decreased, friendships with the your classmates increased.  This guy and I eventually became really good friends.

From there, it is hard to say that I had a real soul mate kind of connection again.  That’s why I say I don’t buy into the "one and only soul mate" theory.  Alas, my husband and I now aren’t what I would deem as "soul mates".  We are a team, we work together really well and both of us are happy.

This week has brought about the team work in our marriage more than usual I think.  Basically, my husband normally rises at 4:30 or 5 to go to work.  So, the very fact that he has slept til 7 or 7:30 when the boys get up means that he has slept-in.  That’s important because for me, sleeping in means 9 or even 10.  But, since the boys usually rise by 7:30, he is up with them, he has had the opportunity to sleep late and so have I.

From there it is a series of team work that would get us all dressed, beach supplies gathered, pool supplies, towels, reading material, cameras, phones, keys, etc.  But, we managed it like old pros. 

Once on the beach, I manned the kids when they were playing in the sand, he took over once they stepped near the oceans edge.  Then, once we moved to the pool, we would share the duties of getting all the gear to the shower, I would hand it to him as he rinsed it off.  I kept it separated and then we would head for the pool.

Part of the time we both got in the pool, others Wayne got in with them alone.  Either way, it seemed to fit both of our personalities to do what we had to do and everyone was happy. 

Back in the room was much the same, I stripped the boys down, he ran them some warm water to rinse off with while I gathered their clothes.  One of us would pick up the mess while the other helped the youngest get dressed. 

There’s no reason to keep up with all the examples, I’m just proud to say that we work well together.  We may not be what some people would considered "one and only soul mates" but we are most definitely a marital team.

I’ve given you all a little background about me, now surely some of you can tell me something about your and your spouse.  You don’t have to get nitty gritty and give me all the details, just the general information.  So, I’ve basically made my own little questionnaire.  Please take a few minutes and fill it out so I can get some ideas what you guys are interested in discussing.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want, I certainly don’t mind and it really may let the conversation be more open if you choose to go the anon way. 

So, without further ado, I give you 5 quick questions:

1.  Where did you and your spouse meet?

2.  Have either of you been married before?

3.  If so, do you or your spouse have children from a previous marriage/relationship?

4.  When you first married/together, was sex the biggest past time you could find?

5.  If so, have you moved on to different past times or are you still regally adored and adoring to your spouse?

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I suppose that most of you have figured out that I basically write about what’s going in my life.  If you have a topic you would like to discuss, please leave a comment here or email me so I can do it.  For now, I’m just pulling from our own lives and making examples.

We are on our way on vacations.  I made the decision to keep our 5 year old out of kindergarten this coming up week.  His teacher sent his work home and we are going to work on it during our week off.  We are going to the beach.  And, we are strictly going for rest and relaxation.  Nothing more.

The city we’ve chosen to visit is one I’ve been too more times than I can count, even if I take my shoes off and we all there last year.  So, we know what we want to see and do..and basically it is very little. 

Wayne and our vacation well together.  He is a little more antsy to get up in the mornings and get going and I prefer to sit back and enjoy the morning watching the waves crash and surfing.  (And if Guidor, Gordo, Gustav or what ever his name is holds true to the weather man’s forecast, we won’t have to worry. 

And, if it is just rain we get off of the big guy, that’s fine too because like I said, we have similar expectations.  We’ve worked unbelievable hard in the last year and half.  Owning your own business is difficult on a marriage, especially when one of the partners is more dedicated and the other has to work his/her own full time job. 

So, basically, we feel like we deserve this vacation.  We’ve been on many short trips together but we really splurged on this one and will be staying for a week.  I absolutely couldn’t be happier.  And, like I said, we both want to sit and relax, hang by the pool and watch our children play in the kiddie pool, the kiddie bowling and we will eventually be rested enough to get in the big pool with them and play.

And, the boys have new sand shoes and sand toys so they will be ready to hit the beach and waste time there as well.  So, with that, I’m giving you the opportunity to tell me about you and your spouse. 

Do you travel well together?

Do you ever travel without one another?

Where is your favorite vacation spot?

What’s a typical vacation like for you and your spouse/family?

I’m waiting on someone to throw me a bone so I can talk about other stuff, so come on all, get to barking at me.

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Today was our session with our counselor.  I think all three of us really don’t know how to act because my husband and I really don’t have any issues to sort through.  There are some but not that I’m comfortable revealing to the counselor just yet.  But, when we met him the first time, I was the one doing all the talking.

I told the counselor how I felt about the way Wayne treated the boys, how he was grumpy and hateful, etc.  But, at the same time, he had just started taking an anti-depressant and he was already starting to get better.  So, before we closed, I simply said, "Here I’ve done all this badgering of my husband and he hasn’t said one negative thing about me.  Does that mean I’m doing everything right and I’m perfect?"

We all got a good laugh out of that.  So, Wayne looked at me and said, "you know the only problem I have."  I looked at the counselor and told him that that Wayne didn’t like it because our children slept in our bed.  The counselor laughed and asked Wayne if that was the issue.  Wayne confirmed it and we all got a good laugh about how I was doing the talking for both of us. 

Anyway, today, after a little jabbering about the fact that things were relatively good at our house, he asked if we were serious about getting the children out of our bed.  Wayne didn’t answer.  I let him know that it doesn’t bother me that they are there and that Wayne was the one who doesn’t like it.

He offered up a bit of research which is difficult to explain but I’m going to try.  Basically it goes like this (I thought I would eventually find it on-line but I couldn’t):

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and each time they pecked it, they got a piece of corn.  So, obviously they learned, peck once and corn comes out.

Group 2 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they had to peck the lever 5 times to get corn.  So, they would peck peck peck peck peck, get corn, peck peck ..you understand I know.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they got corn at random pecks.  One peck, corn, 5 pecks, corn, 20 pecks, corn, 8 pecks, corn.

Then, they took all the corn away.

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group peck, no corn, peck, no corn, peck, no corn - and they finally gave up.

Group 2 of Chickens

This group would peck peck peck peck peck,no corn, lather, rinse and repeat.  This group finally gave up.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group never gave up, they just kept pecking because they thought that at some point they would eventually get a piece of corn.

He related that to our children.  He says that they have figured out that there is a limit where we just say, "I give up, it is simpler to just let them go into our bed than to keep fighting us."

As we speak, we are doing the bedtime battle, however we both agreed that it is a mute point until we get back from vacation.

His suggestion of course, as I already knew, was to hold our ground.  No going to our bed, they had to go to bed in their bed, period.  No matter how many times they come and ask us before we go to bed, the answer has to be no.  Wayne can do it, or so he says he can.  I can’t.  I hate it.  I don’t like for them to cry.

I told the counselor how I am an only child and I was always alone and I hated it.  All I can think about is how horrible it felt and when the kids want to come to bed with us, I feel it is because they are feeling that way.

His answer, of course, was "don’t project yourself onto your children".

Finally, it came down to the fact that if they come to our bed during the middle of the night, we simply took them back to their room.  I agreed that this was a simple plan.  We’ve done it before.  However, as I told him, that always falls on me. 

When it was one and we were breaking him, I would get up 7 or 8 times a night and take him back.  Wayne never had to do this, he never even stirred.  The man could sleep through a volcano. 

The counselor agreed that this was ridiculous and how did I get any rest.  I explained that I didn’t, sleep deprivation is ugly and on me it is really ugly.  So, again I made the suggestion that even though it doesn’t bother me that the kids are in our bed, I know it bothers Wayne and I’m willing to toughen up and let him handle them prior to us going to bed.  I followed that up with the fact that when the boys come into our room after we are asleep, I felt like it would only be fair that he get up at least half the time.

The counselor agreed that it was fair.  Wayne on the other hand admitted that he would never wake up.  So, I say, "it just doesn’t work out because he wants it but I am the one who wakes up every time, even if it is to wake him up and tell him that it is his turn to take the kid back to bed."

The counselor agreed again that this sounded off.  We left this session with the counselor stating that if we really wanted the children out of our bed, he would help us.  But, of course, he made it clear, WE have to WANT it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The counselor said that when this happened with his children, he would finally get to a point where he would sit his children down before bed and tell them "Listen, Dad is not getting any sleep, if you come to our bed tonight, I’m going to spank you."

I obviously made an odd face because he said that he did indeed get his little paddle out and spank one of his kids at 2 AM.  But, that this child quit coming to their bed. 

I am not going to spank my children for coming to our bed, even if it is 99 times.  I will however try to find a way of rewarding them for staying in their bed. 

So, I am curious what you guys do about "children in the marital bed".

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Yes, I live over the top most of the time.  One of the top vote getters in the Poll entitled Strong Points of Your Marriage was Leisure Activities.  I must say that sounds fairly obvious to most people, or at least to the two or three I’ve spoken with.  But the fact is, sometimes, the very fact that there is time to be burned and that time is suppose to be spent doing something enjoyable is enough to cause conflict. 

For Wayne and I, it depends on the details of our leisure time.  It depends on if the leisure time is simply time off work, like the weekends, or a real vacation where you get in a car or plane and go sleep in a strange bed.  Let me explain.

If it is a regular work week, and there’s a holiday thrown in that gives a three-day weekend or even if a weekend comes a long that we have no plans at all, we differ completely on what "leisure activities" means. 

In that situation, leisure activities means sleep.  It means that I do not have to do the dishes until I want to, I do not have to vacuum or do laundry until I want to and I can take a nap anytime I please.  And, if that nap happens to last….oh 4 or 5 hours, that’s ok because it is my leisure activity for the time period in question.

This drives Wayne crazy.  He hates it when I sleep.  If I had my choice (and I did pre-marriage and children), I would sleep from Friday night until late Saturday afternoon, rise for a few hours and go back to bed sleeping until about mid-day on Sunday.  I would do my chores and then head back to bed in preparation for the work week.  That…that is the ultimate leisure activity for me.

For Wayne, a leisure activity means so many other things.  It means pulling out the lawn mower and working on it, pulling out the four-wheeler and working on it, waxing and buffing his car, getting dressed up nice and going somewhere nice to eat, having a few drinks and then returning home for …..well, you know for what.

I guess you can see the conflict there, eh?

Here’s what Duane W. Crawford at Texas Tech University and Ted L. Houston at the University of Texas at Austin had to say on the matter.

Obviously they did a study and:

Results indicated that

(a) new parents and childless couples do not differ in the amount of time they spend in leisure activities both spouses like,

(b) parenthood reduces the amount of time new fathers engage in leisure activities independently, (my husband would shout Amen to this one to the rooftops)

(c) parenthood increases the amount of time couples pursue activities together that are liked by the wife but not the husband, and (wow, he disagreed with this one)

(d) parenthood reduces the amount of time wives pursue leisure activities they dislike but their husbands like. (this one confuses me a little bit)

The results show that parenthood restricts husbands’ independent leisure pursuits and increases the extent to which spouses’ leisure activities reflect the preferences of wives rather than husbands.

I have to say that I don’t agree with the last one as much as I do the others.  Naturally I linked to it and you can go read it all for yourself and see what you think and where you and your spouse fall into the whole "leisure activities" subject.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you how the Leisure Activity takes on a totally different meaning when we have the opportunity to go on vacation.

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Well, at this time only ten people have participated in the poll but I full expect to see a couple more people in the poll later.  And, you can look for yourself and see that 40% of the polling people say that parenting is what stresses their marriage the most.

Parenting is terribly difficult in our houses as well.  Especially since my husband and I are both only children, we really have problems discerning when to step in and when to stay out of sibling squabbles.  And, of course, one of us always thinks the other one is being too strict.

Money received 30% of the votes and I can honestly say that we don’t argue about money in our house.  We don’t have much and we just pay what we have pay and I can count the few times that money was an issue.  Both of us are very giving and our children are no spoiled.  Neither my husband nor myself grew up in a home with an endless money stream so we know how to watch what we are doing.  Our children are learning this as well too I think. 

As far as the 20% of the people who chose sex as a stressor, I can totally understand.  There are so many factors to sex after children come along that it makes sex difficult.  Find the time, having the energy, slowing down to even spend enough time with one another that sex becomes a conscious thought.  And with so many drugs out there that treat serious diseases like diabetes, thyroid disorders, depression and anxiety, many people explain problems with their libido.  I’d love to hear more from you on this topic if you have time to comment.

So, with that, we will start our study on how parenting affects marriages tomorrow since it received the most votes.  And,, as the percentages change, I’ll keep you up to date.

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Most married couples can remember a time when date night meant any night of the week. Being intimate could happen anytime and anywhere. Exhaustion didn’t set in until after a frisky night, and a candlelit bath was a regular occurrence, not a luxury. Those were the days before kids. So how do you maintain not only intimacy but also solitary time with your spouse to discuss issues that don’t involve bugs, boogers, or boo-boos? How do you get away from the sound of little feet, the screaming at the top of their lungs, and their inability to understand what the term privacy means? Frankly, you don’t. However, you can manage to spend some quality time with your spouse even with the kids around. Use some of the ideas below to remind you that you’re not only a parent but also a wife or husband too.

One necessity for some bonding time is to create a kid-free couple zone in your house. This doesn’t have to be the bedroom or a small closet that locks from the inside. A comfy couch, oversized chair, or even a soft rug with lots of snuggly throw pillows can be a couple zone. After creating the zone, you will need to create the rule that when mom and dad are lounging in the couple zone they have a designated amount of time that they cannot be bothered. The kids must entertain themselves quietly or risk being sent to the alternate time-out zone. You can use the couple zone when watching a movie or favorite television show, or just sit and chill for a few minutes after dinner. Whichever way you choose, it is a place where you can reconnect with your spouse without interruptions. At least that is the theory. (more…)