Marital Talk

Well everything is back to normal around here. I spent the weekend cleaning….it’s weird how you clean everything before people come and by the time they leave your house feels disgusting. My in-laws visit was pleasant overall, although it did have its dramatic moments. The annoying cousin that came around more often got pretty close to being punched in the face by my husband. Thankfully, he kept his cool and there was no bloodshed.

Now for a question. How many of you call your in-laws mom and dad? I still call my in-laws by their names rather than mom and dad. To me it feels weird to call people who aren’t my actual parents mom or dad. My husband has made more of an effort to call my mom “mom” but usually he calls her by her name instead. I know my in-laws would like me to call them mom and dad, but so far I haven’t been able to do it comfortably. And it’s not because I don’t love or respect them, it’s just doesn’t feel right to me. My husband is fine with it. He doesn’t feel offended that I don’t call his parents mom and dad like he does and vice versa. The strange thing is I will write mom or dad in a birthday or some sort of occasion card;I just can’t bring myself to actually call them mom or dad out loud. The stranger thing is that both my husband and I call each other’s grandmothers ‘grandma.’ We have no problem with the grandma thing, just the mom and dad thing. Are we alone as a married couple? Do most married couples adopt their spouse’s parents as their own and call them mom and dad? Or are there other couples like us who can’t seem to utter those two simple words?

inlaws, marriage, mom, dad, parents, husband, wife

Well my in-laws arrived yesterday. They pulled in around midnight so I was sure they would sleep late in the morning. But, I guess because of their inner alarm clock, they were up at the crack of dawn. My family is not a morning family. I spent most of the morning trying to wake up. The rest of the day was spent at Wal-Mart buying food to feed 3 families. My mother-in-law bought everything the kids asked for and then some. We left the store with two baskets full of groceries, and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out how to stuff it all into my fridge. My husband had the job of lowering his dad’s truck and putting new tires on. There goes my theory that they would be so exhausted from the 16 hour drive that they’d rest all day. It’s only been one day and I’m already tired. I’ve seen my husband for about 30 minutes total. I know the next two weeks will be run, run, run.

On another note, let’s talk about the in-laws that attract other family members you don’t normally see. My mother-in-law is the one with family up here. She has us, her brother, and of course bunches of nieces and nephews. There is one nephew in particular that I don’t see very often, and I can’t say I’m disappointed. He’s an alright guy. But he’s one of those people that invites themselves places, eats all your food, belches, farts, and rubs his big beer belly like it’s the sexiest thing since the bikini was invented. Now that my MIL is in town, I’ve been blessed with his presence all day. He invited himself over to our pool, to stay for dinner, and I even think he’s going to be going to Chuck E. Cheese with us this week. Thankfully, he spared us any farts and belches tonight. I guess he saves that for when his aunt isn’t around. The rest of their time here I will be spending it with people I don’t see and don’t miss when I don’t see them. I don’t think this situation has a solution unless I uninvite myself to every outing or make up excuses for why I can’t go. This is just one of those grin-n-bear it situations and know that it will all be over in two weeks.

inlaws, in-laws, marriage, family, nieces, nephews

My in-laws are visiting for the next two weeks. This made me realize how important in-laws are to a marriage. Everyone says that when you marry, you marry not only your husband or wife but their whole family too. Luckily, I have a good relationship with my in-laws. My husband and mom get along fairly well also, though I would say they’ve had more ups and downs than I have had with his parents. His parents are still married which seems almost like a rarity anymore. My parents are divorced so he gets to deal with my mom and stepdad and dad and stepmom. With the invasion of the in-laws happening this summer, I’ve decided to dedicate this week to in-law discussions. Meddling in-laws, disapproving in-laws, overhelpful in-laws, loving in-laws, and any other sort of in-law you can think of.

To start with I’ll give you a little insight into the in-law dynamic in my marriage. My in-laws have accepted me from the moment I started dating my husband. My mother, on the other hand, took a little longer to warm up to my husband. When we were teens my husband was one of those boys your mom or dad hoped you would never meet. Thankfully, my husband outgrew his delinquent days and turned into a wonderful husband and father. Now my mother can’t say enough good things about him. My in-laws don’t really get involved in our marriage. Occasionally they may ask how things are, or toss us a few dollars if they sense we’ve hit a rough spot we’re not talking about, overall they’re just really great people. My mother is the same way for us. My stepdad and husband don’t really talk. They’ve had some issues that stem from the past so his relationship with his in-laws is mostly just with my mother. My father is around, but not much, so they haven’t really forged a relationship. Overall though, we both have decent relationships with our in-laws. Sometimes when there are rough patches you have to realize that usually their family just has their best interest at heart. It’s similar to that song I Loved Her First….except think of it has They Loved Them First.

in-laws, inlaws, family, marriage, mother in law, father in law

Exhaustion is one reason many married couples find themselves spending less time together or fighting more frequently. With work days becoming longer and couples with children scheduling more and more activities, marriages are taking a backseat to extracurriculars and careers. By the time work and play activities are over, dinner is on the table, and everyone has gotten ready for bed, most couples want nothing more than to go to sleep. Few words may have been spoken, kisses and hugs have gone to the wayside, and the only thing on the tired minds of many is what they have to do tomorrow. Before you realize what’s happening, your marriage is slowly disintegrating and you feel like a slave to your job or a hired hand to your kids.

Exhaustion causes us to become cranky, easily irritated, and just plain boring. When we’re exhausted it’s easy to push aside activities with our spouse; we figure they’ll understand because they know how tired we are. We also hope they’ll understand why the question of, “What would you like for dinner?” is answered by a rude, defensive “I don’t care. Have whatever you want. Why do I always have to make all the freaking decisions around here?” The truth is, our hope for their understanding is usually overshadowed by the fact that after awhile they don’t understand or they no longer want to deal with it. The good news is that exhaustion can be conquered. It requires only one thing-prioritizing.

If you work many hours and find that your marriage is suffering because of it try to figure out how you can maximize your workload in less time. Are you taking on more projects than you can handle? Are you constantly being asked to fill in for absent co-workers because they know you’ll say yes? Has the almighty dollar caused you to spend more time at work and less at home? Is your job the reason you come home late, cranky, and exhausted? If so, you need to set priorities for both your work and home life. If you think this is impossible and there is just no way you can change your work situation ask yourself, “If something were to happen to my spouse tomorrow would I wish I had spent more time working?” Of course, there are those couples who need to work constantly just to survive. For those couples it is harder to prioritize. But if you can squeeze in quality time, not necessarily quantity time, then you should be able to enjoy your marriage.

If your busy life schedule makes you exhausted then you need to prioritize what activities are truly necessary. If you are transporting kids from one activity to another every day of the week exhaustion would be expected. It’s time to go back to a simpler time when kids didn’t need to have a full schedule by the time they were out of diapers. One I-love-it-and-I-can’t-live-without-it activity is enough. Maybe you can arrange carpooling or have an older sibling take over some of the driving responsibilities. This will help you to feel more rested and hopefully have some extra time to spend nurturing your marriage. If you spend your days at home with a baby or toddler try napping when they do. If that’s not possible, try to at least squeeze a 30-minute break into your day. This will require you not to think about dishes, laundry, mopping, or any sort of time consuming, tiring, cleaning ritual. It’s not always necessary to sleep to ward off exhaustion. Sometimes we just need to put our feet up and relax.

marriage, Exhaustion, marriage, exhaustion

I believe there are ultimately only three types of married couples. Those that plan their lives around their marriage, those that plan their lives according to their marriage, and those that fall in between. Those who plan according to their marriage put their marriage at the forefront. Their decisions are based on how it would affect their spouse or family. Those that plan their lives around their marriage base their decisions on their wants and needs, sometimes forgetting they are part of a unit. My husband and I try our best to plan our lives according to our marriage and not around it; but we tend to fall in the in between category. For the times when we disregard the other person’s feelings or desires it usually causes marital friction. Marriage seems to work best when a couple plans their life according to their marriage.

If you’re not sure how you’re planning your life in regards to your marriage, think back to the three most recent occasions where you had to make a decision that affected you and your spouse or family. Did you make your decision right away, not giving a second thought to how your decision would affect anyone else? Did you think first of your spouse or family and make the decision that would best benefit them? Or did you think first about your spouse or family, taking into consideration their feelings, and compromise to make both you and them happy? The first choice means you plan around your marriage, the second in accordance with your marriage, and the last means you fall in between. If your marriage seems a little rocky, or you feel that things aren’t as harmonious as they once were, try changing the way you plan things.

For example, my husband doesn’t care for me to drink alcohol or bring it into the house. He’s not against people that drink and we have quite a few friends who do. He just doesn’t think it is a good thing for our family. On occasion, I like to have a beer or cocktail. But I thought hard about my husband’s wishes and decided that since his desires were important to me, and an occasional drink really wasn’t, that I would just abstain from drinking. In return, he thought about my desires and understands the rare occasion when I have a beer or fruity cocktail. Both of us planned this part of our life according to our marriage. I could have ignored him and drank whenever I felt like it, but imagine the friction that would have caused. Because I chose to make a choice according to my spouse’s wishes, I induced him to do the same. So if some things in your marriage seem strained, try making your next few decisions according to your marriage and ask your spouse to do the same.

marriage, family, married life, plans, couples

Most people still want to get married, and once they do, they really want to have a good marriage - one that lasts forever. But most of the time, that’s easier said than done. Statistics say that more than half of marriages today end in divorce. So, where do you go to get the tools you need to craft a happy, lifelong relationship? Who do you trust to give you the advice you need to hear? Never fear, you can show up right here at Marital Talk. I’m working hard to bring you real-world tips to make your life “wedded bliss.” If you and your spouse are willing to work hard too, you just might find the treasure you’ve been looking for, right there next to you.