Marital Talk

Yea, so if those first 3 tips weren’t enough to make your scratch your head and wonder "what the heck", I’ve got more.  So, we will start with number four and get moving.

4.  For a great afterglow, choose an orgy.  Now, I can see the eyeballs of lots of men popping out.  And, the members of the same team of biologist reported that "under semi-natural conditions sexual behavior rats is highly promiscuous:  they mate in groups and repeatedly change partners in the middle of copulation.  This behavioral sequence allows both male and female to control the rate of sexual interaction, assuring the induction of a reward state outlasting the actual performance of coital responses." Hum……I can’t even respond on this one.

5.  Gifts don’t always work.  According to a British team, "nuptial gifts fail to resolve a sexual conflict."  And, so what they are saying is that nuptial gifts compounds found in the ejaculate of a bush cricket but still, I think we can all learn something."

6.  Bulk up dudes.  I’ve talked about this in detail before, it’s easy to find yourself enjoying the eye candy but is it really necessary.  Well, according to some sheep living on an island off the coast of Scotland, "greater horn length, body size and good condition each independently influence a male’s ability to monopolize receptive females…we also find that larger testes are independently associated with both higher copulation rates and increased siring success.

7.  Invest in lingerie and makeup.  So, we have the pressure as females to be attractive and to make ourselves that way all the time. According to the Mexican biologist, while males may be motivated to have sex by nature, we might skip acting on that motivation in favor of watching "Star Trek" reruns if we do not have "an appropriate stimulus, a sexual incentive."  Ok, whatever dudes…..

Ok, there’s more to this crazy study but I am giving up on it.  It’s crazy, it’s making me nuts and I’ve heard enough.

What does that have to do with marriage?  I dunno really.  What does it have to do with sex?  I dunno that either really.  But, I did find this funky little article on MSNBC about just that.  It discusses science and the search for truth. 

So, anyway, in the article, they discuss sexploration and review the recent scientific literature and advice on getting information from animals and making relate directly to people.  So, here’s what the article had to offer by way of learning…

1.  Do not turn sex into warfare.  Ok, so "sexual conflict is ubiquitous across taxa" and I have to be honest with you, I have no clue what that means.  Basically biologist studied Trinidadian guppies and found "male sexual harassment drives females into habitats that they otherwise do not prefer to occupy".  They relate that to all-female gyms and the Lifetime Channel.  Ok, whatever.

2.  Avoid weaponizing your penis.  Hummmmm now this one caught my attention right away, what the heck is this suppose to mean.  "The spectacular evolution of male genitalia that impose physical injury on females during mating has often been suggested to be a product of sexually antagonistic co-evolution" is what a Swedish scientist had to say.  So, obviously, they say that females are reluctant to mate with males wielding pain-inducing penises.  This supposedly creates a risk of extinction.  Well, yea being afraid is one thing but being so afraid that it takes you to extinction, that’s a bit out there I think.

3.  Try woman-on-top.  This basically says that all men should take a lesson from the Mexican experiment showing that "when female rats are allowed to pace (control) the rate of sexual stimulation they receive…the aversive properties of mating are reduced. 

Ok, I can only take so much of this, I’ll feed you some more tomorrow because this is killing me.

No, really I don’t plan to talk about sex very much here.  I mean, some things really are still sacred.  But, I am going to share with you something I found.  What is it?  It is…the 10 Terrible Sex Tips as quoted by Cosmo magazine.

According to the article written about Cosmo, most of us who have ever had sex before already  know that the tips you find in these magazines is a bit far fetched and well…if terrible is the word you choose to describe them, then so be it.  But, let’s see what Crystal over at College OTR has to say she thinks the 10 Terrible Tips are.

Ok, first of all, she says the one where they suggest you cup his hand against your mouth and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his hand is kind of dumb.  And, I kind of have to agree with her.  She calls it Hand Sex and well…yea, is that what that is?

Have your partner lay on their stomach and wet the skin below their butt with your tongue.  Then, blow on it…uh?  Yea, I’m still not following with Cosmo here.  I’m still on Crystals side so far.  Ok, another one here that sounds a bit ridiculous but maybe some guy out there would like to try it is giving your man a blow job while he hangs from a pull-up bar. 

I’m not so sure that one isn’t in there just because the chances of getting caught increase if you try this one is most places and we all know that having sex "outside" of your comfort zone is more exotic than anything.  Or well, I thought we all knew that. 

Number seven on her list basically exams the how-to’s of oral sex and well, it cause the male anatomy a hot dog and I have to agree with Crystal, hot dogs….nah, just not sexy no matter how you think about it.

There’s the tongue choke hold as she calls it and then there’s number six that just sounds like some pretty kinky foreplay..oh well, whatever floats your boat.  Number five revolves around a guy having to force his tongue into his girlfriends mouth and he found that sexy…hummmm, maybe he just had bad breath?

Number 3 involves hot water and again, I don’t like anything in my mouth that’s hot, not even hot chocolate and I love me some hot chocolate, but whatever……Number 2 says to chill some marbles in the fridge.  Ok, wait, Marbles?  Yea, marbles.  So, what they say is chill the marbles and then make your man lay on them.  Sounds like someone was just dreaming up stupid stuff by now.

And, finally, the number one terrible tip, put a glazed donut around his manhood and nibble it off. Look, I love me some donuts but I want to enjoy my donuts, not let someone else enjoy them for me.

I’ve never entertained the thought that a married couple might have had issues and one or both partners found a way to have and enjoy a double life, a second family if you will.  Then, today, while sitting in the doctor’s off, patiently waiting while it took an hour and a half for them to see the 2 people before me, I found something to read.  I thought I was just picking up any old magazine, little did I know, the enjoyment that would ensue.

There, right in front of me, in the August 2008 issues of Ladies Home Journal was an article written by Jeanne Marie Laskas entitled, "Sex, Lies and Double Lives".  The first thought on my over-worked brain was, "who has time for this?"  And, upon reading, I found that only men have time for this apparently.  I’ll quote Jeanne for a few good ones just to lure you in and then you can go read for yourself.

He did what? I think, as I learn of double lives, of the destructive stuff men do to satisfy apparently acute sexual urges. He rang up an $80,000 tab on a call girl? He arranged for threesomes with his driver? He flashed secret foot signals under a bathroom stall?

He, he, he. Where, I am starting to wonder, are all the shes?

Women don’t do double lives? I try to imagine having a secret second family across town. This notion puts me in immediate need of a nap. Like I need more softball practices to drive to, more piano lessons to arrange? I try to imagine paying $80,000 for a sex slave and wonder what the heck kind of sex that would buy me, but all too quickly I’m back to the dollar amount, calculating not how to get me one of those boy toys but rather: That could buy me how many pairs of shoes?

That should be enough to lure you in because this is  really awesome article.

I’ve given you all a little background about me, now surely some of you can tell me something about your and your spouse.  You don’t have to get nitty gritty and give me all the details, just the general information.  So, I’ve basically made my own little questionnaire.  Please take a few minutes and fill it out so I can get some ideas what you guys are interested in discussing.  Feel free to comment anonymously if you want, I certainly don’t mind and it really may let the conversation be more open if you choose to go the anon way. 

So, without further ado, I give you 5 quick questions:

1.  Where did you and your spouse meet?

2.  Have either of you been married before?

3.  If so, do you or your spouse have children from a previous marriage/relationship?

4.  When you first married/together, was sex the biggest past time you could find?

5.  If so, have you moved on to different past times or are you still regally adored and adoring to your spouse?

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