Marital Talk

Today was our session with our counselor.  I think all three of us really don’t know how to act because my husband and I really don’t have any issues to sort through.  There are some but not that I’m comfortable revealing to the counselor just yet.  But, when we met him the first time, I was the one doing all the talking.

I told the counselor how I felt about the way Wayne treated the boys, how he was grumpy and hateful, etc.  But, at the same time, he had just started taking an anti-depressant and he was already starting to get better.  So, before we closed, I simply said, "Here I’ve done all this badgering of my husband and he hasn’t said one negative thing about me.  Does that mean I’m doing everything right and I’m perfect?"

We all got a good laugh out of that.  So, Wayne looked at me and said, "you know the only problem I have."  I looked at the counselor and told him that that Wayne didn’t like it because our children slept in our bed.  The counselor laughed and asked Wayne if that was the issue.  Wayne confirmed it and we all got a good laugh about how I was doing the talking for both of us. 

Anyway, today, after a little jabbering about the fact that things were relatively good at our house, he asked if we were serious about getting the children out of our bed.  Wayne didn’t answer.  I let him know that it doesn’t bother me that they are there and that Wayne was the one who doesn’t like it.

He offered up a bit of research which is difficult to explain but I’m going to try.  Basically it goes like this (I thought I would eventually find it on-line but I couldn’t):

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and each time they pecked it, they got a piece of corn.  So, obviously they learned, peck once and corn comes out.

Group 2 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they had to peck the lever 5 times to get corn.  So, they would peck peck peck peck peck, get corn, peck peck ..you understand I know.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group had a lever in their cage and they got corn at random pecks.  One peck, corn, 5 pecks, corn, 20 pecks, corn, 8 pecks, corn.

Then, they took all the corn away.

Group 1 of Chickens:

This group peck, no corn, peck, no corn, peck, no corn - and they finally gave up.

Group 2 of Chickens

This group would peck peck peck peck peck,no corn, lather, rinse and repeat.  This group finally gave up.

Group 3 of Chickens:

This group never gave up, they just kept pecking because they thought that at some point they would eventually get a piece of corn.

He related that to our children.  He says that they have figured out that there is a limit where we just say, "I give up, it is simpler to just let them go into our bed than to keep fighting us."

As we speak, we are doing the bedtime battle, however we both agreed that it is a mute point until we get back from vacation.

His suggestion of course, as I already knew, was to hold our ground.  No going to our bed, they had to go to bed in their bed, period.  No matter how many times they come and ask us before we go to bed, the answer has to be no.  Wayne can do it, or so he says he can.  I can’t.  I hate it.  I don’t like for them to cry.

I told the counselor how I am an only child and I was always alone and I hated it.  All I can think about is how horrible it felt and when the kids want to come to bed with us, I feel it is because they are feeling that way.

His answer, of course, was "don’t project yourself onto your children".

Finally, it came down to the fact that if they come to our bed during the middle of the night, we simply took them back to their room.  I agreed that this was a simple plan.  We’ve done it before.  However, as I told him, that always falls on me. 

When it was one and we were breaking him, I would get up 7 or 8 times a night and take him back.  Wayne never had to do this, he never even stirred.  The man could sleep through a volcano. 

The counselor agreed that this was ridiculous and how did I get any rest.  I explained that I didn’t, sleep deprivation is ugly and on me it is really ugly.  So, again I made the suggestion that even though it doesn’t bother me that the kids are in our bed, I know it bothers Wayne and I’m willing to toughen up and let him handle them prior to us going to bed.  I followed that up with the fact that when the boys come into our room after we are asleep, I felt like it would only be fair that he get up at least half the time.

The counselor agreed that it was fair.  Wayne on the other hand admitted that he would never wake up.  So, I say, "it just doesn’t work out because he wants it but I am the one who wakes up every time, even if it is to wake him up and tell him that it is his turn to take the kid back to bed."

The counselor agreed again that this sounded off.  We left this session with the counselor stating that if we really wanted the children out of our bed, he would help us.  But, of course, he made it clear, WE have to WANT it.

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The counselor said that when this happened with his children, he would finally get to a point where he would sit his children down before bed and tell them "Listen, Dad is not getting any sleep, if you come to our bed tonight, I’m going to spank you."

I obviously made an odd face because he said that he did indeed get his little paddle out and spank one of his kids at 2 AM.  But, that this child quit coming to their bed. 

I am not going to spank my children for coming to our bed, even if it is 99 times.  I will however try to find a way of rewarding them for staying in their bed. 

So, I am curious what you guys do about "children in the marital bed".

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