Marital Talk

So, if you confide in a member of the opposite sex, does it turn into cheating?  I’ve always said that I thought this would be the most painful type of cheating.  So, if there is no sex, is it still an affair?

According to the Peggy Vaughan of DearPegg.com and author of The Monogamy Myth:  A Personal Handbook for dealing with Affairs who was quoted in Ladies Home Journal, Yes, it is an "emotional affair or "accidental affair".  She says, "Emotional affairs are most likely to affect the person who would never intend to cheat."

"According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands have had an extramarital sex.  Add emotional affairs and other non-physical intimacy, and the numbers go up by 20 percent." 

And, so, you ask yourself, what’s wrong with chatting it up with someone, a co-worker, that you have much in common with?  "No touching doesn’t always mean Harmless Flirting."  And, the experts really believe that it is very very wrong.

The basic idea is, there is deception.  So, that makes the risk seem harmless but when the guilty partner starts to rationalize that it’s okay, then the more hiding takes place.  The toxicity exists because of the secrecy.  The number one way to know you are having an emotional affair is if you are hiding it, then you probably are.

And, one reason it is exciting is…the secrecy, the illicitness of the relationship is what makes it exciting and tempting.  And, that’s exactly what makes it wrong.

So, are you crossing the line?  Answer the following questions from LHJ:

1. Do you touch him in "legal" ways, like picking lint off of his blazer? 
2. Do you tell him more details of your day than you do your partner.
3. Do you talk with him more about your relationship than you do with your partner.
4. Does your partner have no idea how much time you spend with this guy?
5. Do you pay attention to how you look before you see him.
6. Do you think crush-like thoughts like, "He’d love this song!".
7. Has one of you said, "I’m attracted to you but I would never act on it because I/you are attached?
8. Would you feel uncomfortable if your partner saw a videotape of the time you spend with this person?

How many times did you answer yes?

0-1:  friendship/harmless crush

2-4:  slippery slope/step back

5 or more:  911 Emotional Affair.

Is it time to fess up?  How?

1. Take responsibility.
2. Offer a sense of security.
3. Be patient.

So, it will be a painful process, just make sure you know what’s what and who is who and then make what’s right right.  Got that?