Intentional Jealousy
I think all of us are familiar with intentional jealousy. It seems to be the thing to do when we’re young and dating. I don’t know about you, but I can remember when I was in high school and you think that if your boyfriend or girlfriend sees you with someone else it will be a ‘good’ thing. They will be so overwhelmed with jealousy, they will confess their undying love for you and you will feel completely and utterly desirable. Where this ridiculous assumption comes from is still being researched I believe. Because what this actually does is cause mistrust and feelings of insecurity in whomever we’re in a relationship with. It is a fairy-tale ideal that jealousy causes feelings of love and devotion rather than anger and insecurity.
So what do you do if you’re married to someone who thinks it’s okay to commit acts that make you jealous? Maybe they noticeably flirt or check out other people when you’re with them. (I’m familiar with that scenario). Maybe they act suspicious when they receive cell phone calls or emails from people you don’t know. They like to make you think they’re hiding something or could leave you for someone else at any moment. They’re doing this for one of two reasons- They enjoy hurting you and watching you get upset; or they hold that adolescent notion that jealousy makes good things happen. Either way, communication is key in handling this.
You must let your partner know how their actions make you feel. If they truly love and care about you they will understand that feelings of jealousy aren’t coveted and the two of you can discuss a solution. If their intentions are mean-spirited they may not care how you feel. In this case you must decide how much you are willing to take. You could try not letting their actions bother you to see if that solves it. Kind of like the belief that if you ignore the bully he’ll leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, and your partner’s actions are truly making you miserable and they’re not willing to change, you must decide the fate of your marital future.
In our situation, I told my husband that I thought it was disrespectful when he looked at other women when I was with him. Even if he wasn’t doing it intentionally to piss me off and make me feel insecure, I asked him to make a conscious effort not to do it with me in the car, walking behind or next to him, etc… He argued with me for awhile that he wasn’t doing what I claimed, but it’s hard to deny something when your wife has witnessed you doing it. He is making an effort to control his wandering eye when I’m with him, and it wouldn’t be good for me to imagine what he does when he’s with his friends and I’m not around. That would just be feeding the green-eyed monster with a silver spoon and I refuse to do that……anymore. For more tips on jealousy check out this site.
2-in-2-1 - Marriage Clinic - Pressures in Marriage - Struggling with Jealousy
marriage, jealousy, envy, insecurity, wife, husband,
July 6th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Well written! I definetly felt this one…my husbands wandering eye got stomped out long ago before we were married but I have to force myself not to think about whether his eyes wander and I don’t see it or whether he does it when I’m not around. It’s not healthy to think like that and I have to really shake myself up sometimes to stop it!
July 29th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Good post, tough topic … I think it varies from couple to couple. I don’t mind if his eye wanders from time to time, as long as in his mind he stays firmly grounded in our home. It is when the POSSIBILITIES become tempting enough to shake the relationship that it is an issue, and that usually requires an emotional connection with someone else. We have not had that happen, but it is that kind of depth to the wandering that would make me concerned. But the occasional 30 second fantasy about someone else’s rack? Not enough for me to be concerned.