It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It.
Treat others like you want to be treated is a popular golden rule. In marriages the rule changes somewhat to: It’s not what you say, but how you say it. Tonight my husband and I got into it over how much I spent on groceries. When I told him the amount he asked, “How did you manage to spend that much?” If he had asked me this in a normal tone of voice I probably would have explained that we needed some extra things this month like cleaning supplies. But his tone was very accusatory and defensive;as if I’d went and blown a bunch of money on stuff for myself. Now he is one that likes to yell…..a lot. I’ve always told him he has two volumes, loud and louder. But I’ve adjusted to it over the past ten years and can tell when he’s angry and when he’s just being loud. Sometimes my family reminds me of that show that used to be on about the Gotti’s. Someone in that house was always yelling it seemed, but they all still loved each other at the end of the night. That seems to be us a lot of days.
I can honestly say though, that if my husband watched his tone more often we would fight less over how he talks to me. If I had to pinpoint one problem in our marriage it would be this. He doesn’t say mean things to me or things that make me wonder why he’s asking. It’s just the way he talks a lot of times. I’d take it more personal if he didn’t also do it to his mother, father, sister, kids, and the dogs. In his defense, he does realize he does it and he works to try and change it. But since it is such a part of his personality it is hard to change. I’m going to try and think of some tips to post on how to handle this since my theory on life is that if I’m experiencing something, someone else probably is too.
marriage, yelling, fighting, marriage problems
May 27th, 2007 at 9:52 am
The tone of voice thing is HUGE … sometimes before I say something I pause and adjust my tone, because it can be the difference between a conversation and an argument. Arguments take too much energy!
May 28th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
It’s great that you recognize when your tone isn’t conducive to a conversation. Sometimes I ask why he’s raising his voice and he really has no reason. I try to watch how I say things too.