Marital Talk

Author Robert A. Heinlein stated that, “A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” What do you think of that statement? Is it 100% accurate? If you are completely confident in your marriage will you never feel a twang of jealousy? I have to say that I think I agree with most of this theory. I say most of it because I think even the most self-confident person wavers and feels twangs of jealousy in certain circumstances. But overall, the more confident we are the less likely we will be to allow jealousy to ruin our relationship. Now this doesn’t refer to relationships where one partner is using your jealousy against you. This is more about relationships where one person has a tendency to feel jealous over things that their spouse doesn’t even realize is making them jealous.

I reflected on the last time I felt really jealous over something in my marriage. In the beginning, my husband didn’t realize how much a comment he made about another person affected me. Even now, six years later, if I think about it I get myself all worked up again. So although he has apologized and discussed it with me, my lack of self-confidence in whether or not he’s actually telling the truth allows this comment made oh so many years ago to fester up new feelings of jealousy and anger. So how do I deal with unintentional jealous feelings brought on by a past event? Confidence building is easier said than done. To help myself I need to trust him and what he says, believe that he truly does love me, and let go of the feelings I continue to hold inside about this situation.

When situations that cause jealousy are unintentional, reflecting on the inner source of the jealousy and not the people or things believed to be the cause of the jealousy forces you to look at yourself much more closely. It’s not always an easy task. It can be hard to tell yourself that you wouldn’t feel so jealous if it wasn’t for you. It’s much easier to say, “I wouldn’t feel so jealous if it wasn’t for him, her, etc…” My new goal when I feel that ugly monster start to rear its’ head is to reflect on whether or not the jealousy is intentional or something I’m bringing on myself. If the actions or words causing the jealousy are unintentional, then I’ll try to work the feelings out within myself first before getting angry or pouty.